Month: October 2019

COUNSELLING SESSION WITH DR TIMI OYEBODE @ RCCG AREA 27, PROVINCE 44; SISTER FELLOWSHIP UNDER THE THEME: RECOVERY FROM EMOTIONAL ABUSE, TRAUMA AND LOW SELF ESTEEM

1. The first thing you can do on this Journey of Recovery is to first of all IDENTIFY & DETACH YOURSELF from the pain you are going through.

… Your PAIN doesn’t define you! – it doesn’t.

Oh! So your Marriage is not happy? Does that make you an unhappy person? – NO!

Oh! Because the man does not love you or is not acting good to you, does that make you a bad person? – NO.

Oh! Does it make you less Spiritual? – NO.

“Your Pain doesn’t define you; it is your words that defines you”. And you have to define yourself. You are who you say you are!

I have shared my story in a lot of places; I have gone within and outside the Country to share my experience.

I have had Press Guys come over and say: Ok, Interview Sessions and they say ‘Madam: So you were a Lesbian?’ Or ‘you are a Lesbian’.

And I say to them – NO; ‘I struggled with Lesbianism, I struggled with Masturbation – My struggle with sexual challenge doesn’t make me one!

“… I am NOT my Struggle!” You are not your struggle too!

2. And you need to stand in that space of SELF IDENTITY – See it the way God sees you.

… That’s a good step step to Recovery.

And the only way you can do that, is to search the Scriptures; you need to search the Scriptures: So “What is God saying about me?”.

During my Journey of Healing, I had this big exercise book, and I was writing everywhere I saw in the Scripture starting with: “I love you!”.

In fact, if you see that, you will be amazed:

I started writing out from Genesis to Revelation; everywhere God used direct Word of: ‘I Love you’.

From there, I started taking them literally..

Isaiah 43:1; stands with me all the time; oh! Isaiah 60:3. (Let’s check it, to understand what am saying. You need to have an Identity.

“But now thus saith the LORD that created thee, O Jacob, and he that formed thee, O Israel, Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by thy name; thou art mine.”

When God has called us; another Version says “because I have LOVED you”.

Before any of the mess we ever found ourselves: God loved us!

One thing that the enemy wants us to believe, over the years is that: “God doesn’t care about our feelings” – No, He cares!

You know why I know?

Because if you now look at this Recovery Journey you will see what it means; because at the end of the journey, the Focus is always that “YOUR PAIN IS NOT YOURS’.

Jesus didn’t go to the Cross to save Himself. Jesus didn’t experience the pain to liberate Himself – He was already liberated!

Jesus went through the pain because of You and I.

You are going through your pain: whether Marital, Emotional, Financial, Physical Pains.

Whatever form of Pains you are going through: it is not because of you, it is because of someone else – That is the dynamism of God!

I don’t know why He does it, I don’t know how He does is; but that is how He does His things! – He may makes you GO THROUGH IT.

A woman was explaining to me recently, her passion for Widows. And then one day finally, she got a call, and her husband is dead!

She started crying and God said: “I saw that you are not taking that thing seriously; so you need to FEEL the Pains!”

… And that is why am telling you; you see, there are some things that you cannot question.

She said God told her: ‘So that you can feel the Pains of those people I have called you to help’.

Your experience in life is for you to feel the Pains!

So if you refuse to feel the Pains; if you start deadening that Pain – if you keep saying ‘it didn’t happen’; it doesn’t matter, it didn’t happen!

Whatever you have been through; the more you deaden it; eh! The more you are neglecting an Assignment God has called you into.

So pick up your Pains again; open those wounds – let us start cleaning them afresh!

And then the second one; Always, and that is why I said: ‘TAKE UP YOUR PAIN AGAIN!’

What do you do with it?

Track your first experience: when was the first time this thing ever happened to you?

Oh! Someone is Abusive; they are abusing the person, they keep abusing you.

When was the first time you can remember in your life that someone used negative words on you? Because that line was what informed you!

3. GRIEVE YOUR LOSS: That’s another thing to do!

Every abuse, everything in our Path takes something from us: whether it is our Abusive Marriage – it’s bad, it’s painful!

You have every right to cry over it. Don’t let someone tell you: ‘Your pain is too small’.

4. Identify the Negative Thoughts and Self Sabotaging Statements.

And that is why I said: ‘you are not your Struggle’.

Don’t join the world to say: You know ‘am addicted to Pornography’.

Who says? It is a struggle – a struggle is NOT YOU, okay?

… So please don’t use those words to define you.

5. FORGIVE YOUR ABUSERS (that’s another step).

Forgive your Abusers, forgive yourself!

Because that is why some of us feel ‘I caused it’. Or you were told!

Like a woman told me her own experience; she is an adult who has gone to look for a house. She has gotten Agents to take her; and they told her they have found the house. They took her to the house and they entered the house.

And while she was still looking around in the room, the man pushed her down on the floor there and raped her.

Yes! She was saying: I was not raped at age fifteen (15) to twenty (20). A thirty (30) something years old woman!

She said, maybe I should have not gone alone; maybe I should have called somebody – Self Blame!

Many of us are good at that – you start blaming yourself.

But I have come to tell you today; it doesn’t matter if you think you are at fault.

No! Because they are some Forces that were working against you – that was not even in your control.

It could be your unconscious mind attracting it; it could be that the situations around you that are actually attracting it.

…. It has nothing to do with you directly.

So I want you to drop the template today. Say: I am not at fault. I am not my Abuser, I didn’t make my Abuser do what he did to me. That is God’s own Daughter!

6. DRAG YOUR TRIGGERS – that’s another thing!

At what point do you usually feel that sadness? At what point do you usually know that ‘I feel worthless?’ Is it when they talk to you anyhow? What is it exactly that makes you know you are feeling that pain again?

7. ACCOUNTABILITY: And of course get Accountability!

What that means is that you can’t get your Recovery alone; you can’t go on the journey of Recovery alone.

When myself and Pastor (Mrs) were talking the other time, explaining how some of us feel like; ‘I don’t need to talk to somebody’. God didn’t direct us in isolation: there is a Place of expressing and sharing your pains.

But the reality is this: You cannot afford to share your own with just anybody. And that is the reality.

Because if they don’t use it against you (and that is another big trauma again all over) okay?

And that is why now you need to know that there are helps available; there are Professional Counsellors available.

I have chosen the Path of Counselling; I took that Path when God called me years ago. And I had to go into School to start learning it afresh! I left what I studied initially, to go and start studying about human mind and how to help people heal -because my Call is Healing.

And there are so many people like myself; and not just me. But you need to find them, you need to get out of your comfort space and look for help. You need to get helped!

… Do you get my pont? And that’s it!

8. And then LEARN TO RISE AND FALL AGAIN: Your recovery is not Automatic.

And that is why I explained to us earlier, I said: “Salvation is instantaneous, but Healing (Recovery) is a PROCESS”.

So you might find yourself fumbling again. And then you just find yourself in that Place where you are unhappy – it seems am unhappy again!

But you just need to say to yourself NO! My happiness is in my hands. I determine what happens to me. It doesn’t matter what am seeing: I just have to focus on myself and get my happiness from within.

9. CONFRONT YOUR FEARS please! That’s another thing.

How do you respond to the things you are afraid of? Because most of the times your fears happen to you.

… Job said: “the things I feared most have befallen me!”

If you are afraid that your Marriage will crush; sorry it will clash.

But if you stand up and say that even if this is my reality; even if it is the things I see;

He says, beyond what we see, is what we believed.

That is why I say to us, the Body, the Spirit and the Soul – the threw (3) of them are important!

So we are not moved; we are not humans by what we see alone!

So if my reality is saying this, I just need to get helped; and I need to stand on the ground that I know this, and that this is what I have. And you will get what you want.

But if you allow your fears take over (and some of us are in that space). Some of us are not even married: we have seen young Ladies who say, their Marriage will break – before they get married (you have not even seen the husband).

… Confront your fears!

And of course like always say, the last:

10. Use your PAIN to HEAL other people (repeatedly)

Healing is your choice!

That is what I have come to say to you today.

I can’t teach you how to get healed on the spot but I can say to you: There is a Healer. And I can say to you there is a Balm in Gilead!

If God could heal me, if God could forgive me to stand before you today: remember I told you earlier “Am not better than anyone of us”.

I am the same with you in so many ways; but our Journey might differ. Your experience could be worse than me.

But if I can stand today, and still show my face among Christians and say ‘I am a child of God’.

It doesn’t matter what you have faced, God has a Purpose for your Pains!

I want us to get up on your feet; put your hand on your chest quickly.

… Don’t worry, I will still take questions. We will still go into the Questions and Answer Section.

… What a Great Session with our Counsellor – Dr Timi – A Great Counsellor of People that has experienced Trauma, Abuse, Marriage Counsellor etc.

You will get to be reading a Dedicated Column of Dr Timi’s Messages on our DMC Websites on: www.discoveeymediacrew.com.

Also you can get to invite her to your Churches, Seminars and Conference – All you need do is to reach out to us @ DMC!

… Discovery Media Crew, Reaching out to the world through the Power of the Gospel!!!

COMPILATIONS BY

MOSES DURODOLA AND TITILAYOMI AJAYI

© DMC 2019

COUNSELLING SESSION WITH DR TIMI OYEBODE @ RCCG AREA 27, PROVINCE 44 SISTERS FELLOWSHIP UNDER THE THEME: RECOVERY FROM EMOTIONAL ABUSE, TRAUMA AND LOW SELF ESTEEM

Abuse is transgenerational. You didn’t deal with it, you think you have moved on? Then it goes on again to your kids.

And you see, most of our parents; some of you will remember the struggles they fought with you before you married the man you married; or even when you were having relationships.

Some of us would even say: if not for the way my mother was behaving, I won’t have married this man I married. Because maybe the pressure they were putting on you was so much. And the next available man you met proposing marriage, you just hopped on!

Yet the truth is this; you might need to ask your Mum and find out what her own story was. That is how her own story was, usually! And that is why you need to deal with your own Pains… so you also do not pass it on to your kids.

You can’t sweep it under the carpet, you can’t deal with it the way your parents dealt with theirs. How did they deal with it? They would rather call you and be telling you ‘You will just get pregnant’; your life will just scatter,

As in; they wanted to prevent you from making the mistakes they made. But unfortunately, they are actually tickling your brain to go ahead and make the mistakes – and that is why many of us make the same mistakes.

Another funny way to see it also, is when you say: ‘I don’t want to marry a man like my father’.

What usually happens; the woman marries the man, even worse than than her father.

It is sad really… that it is a Generational Link of Abuse. And that is why we need to nib it! We need to get to a point where we deliberately own up and speak out!

It is amazing, many times when I meet women; some would go on to say that they want to tell me something they had never shared before.

I met a Lady recently, she was telling me her story: she said she knew that when she was a young girl, she had this thing with their house girl. And that they did it even to her when she was in Secondary School.

That even when she was in Secondary school, she remembered that she now still had sexual encounter with other girls. That she thought that it has gone!

But now that she is married, it’s ok, she is not having the urged. But the thought keeps coming to her.

And I asked her: ‘so what did you do?’ She said, I thought it was gone!

I said, No! The pain of abuse doesn’t go. You have to deal with it! You have to DEAL with you!

I am standing in front of you, and so I want to say to you ‘that if I can stand in front of you; if I can be a product of Rape and healed, you also can be’.

I was abused; my first encounter with sex was when I was age seven (7), okay? And in my house! In my house, a pastor’s lodge. It is a family full of Pastors.

Most of my Abusers (all my life) were Christians and Pastors. They were not Lay People; they were not ordinary Fellowship Members, they were Leaders in the Church!

And so I understand the place of the Abused; even as a young girl, begging and pleading with a Man of God, and the Man of God is telling you ‘I carry Grace, don’t worry my own Grace has forgiven you’: as in forgiveness is from me over to you.

Another place, if you sitting in the congregation and the person is coming to Minister; and all you are thinking of is what is going to happen tonight again? And all of that!

And it got to a point I remembered begging God and pleading with God; in fact I remember nights of going naked, saying ‘God if You exist, just make him not to come’. Because he will come again! It was terrifying!

The wife is there, even in the same house, and I will be begging him: ‘do you know your wife is in the…. (It doesn’t work!)

And then, I remembered going to school, with these terrible experiences (and remember am still talking about the Generational Circle of Abuse). Even in school, I had male teachers who were exploitative too – you see, a victim of abuse is an easy target for the next pedophile…. once an Abuse has occurred, if not dealt with, it becomes a pattern!

The moment there is a continued Circle of Abuse, it keeps repeating itself…; and that is why some are still in marriages, and the Abuse is continuing – Because you have not dealt with that Abuse (with that Pain)!

That is why it is continuing; because everywhere you get to, you are carrying it on your forehead already: Victim, Victim, Victim!

And so Abusers, automatically pick on you easily!

They know you are struggling with LOW SELF ESTEEM: They know you don’t have what it takes to defend yourself. They know how you feel already – I don’t have anybody to defend me! And that is why it’s easy to pick on you.

But I remember in my story, I moved on!

I remember the first time I tried taking my life, I think I was roughly fifteen (15) Years old at that time. I couldn’t take it anymore! I felt, I just need to end it all. But yet, I didn’t die!

I tried again when I was a bit older – I think at that time I was about leaving school. I still remember the experience wherein I had this mature boyfriend and I thought:

Because a friend was telling me ‘Tell this guy, he is older, he can help you out to put a stop to the abuse going on with my Guardian and all of that’.

And then, the guy too had reacted and said; oh, I thought I was keeping you for myself, I didn’t know somebody has been touching you… So he raped me in his room there! And still I had to pack myself and come out.

And I still remember my friend going there to fight for me. And I will never forget how I was crying and sobbing that day. And my friend was hugging me and begging me. And telling me ‘it is going to be fine’.

And I kept saying ‘it’s not going to be fine; nothing is going to be fine – am just messed up, am just terrible’. And we started kissing.

… And that began my journey to Lesbianism! And that was a Journey for several years again.

The journey – a life of hell, a life of frustration; where you have secrets that you dare not let people know that you are struggling with this!

ADDICTION: I knew what it meant, struggling with masturbation, struggling with Porn, struggling with things that you can’t really share…

A woman sent me a message recently: She has been married for years. But she realised she doesn’t get any interest in sex except she masturbates! And so the struggle continues.

I remember up till the point when I left Christianity, when I left the Church. When I decided I didn’t want to have anything to do with God again. When I decided that God doesn’t love me, so I won’t love Him. I want to be!

And I started living my life the way I thought was best for me. That is what Abuse can do!

… ABUSE is one of the things that birth ADDICTIONS!

You are wondering, how come you are struggling with Masturbation, You are wondering? You are wondering how come you can’t do without watching Porn?

It is because your mind has been wounded. There is a wound inside of you. And the way the body is wired – we are not wired to stay in the Place of Pains!

So the moment you are in that Place of Pain, your body and your mind will automatically be looking for relieve;

And so if you find relieve through any of these behaviours, you adopt that behaviour. It’s the continuity of that behaviour we now call ADDICTION – because that behaviour begins to control you.

But this is what we are saying, that all of it: whether you are a victim of ABUSE, going on to give you TRAUMA (that is inner wound). And then going on to form ADDICTION in your life that you are struggling with LOW SELF ESTEEM!

A husband told me about his wife – he said, my wife masturbate in her sleep. I said, are you monitoring her in her sleep?

But the reality is this: the more acting out your ADDICTION is; the more acting out your PAIN is – you act out your pain! Just that we have to act it out in different ways;

Some people act out their Pains by picking an ADDICTION (a behaviour)!

Some people act out their Pains in anger, by being angry. – Okay?

When you see a young girl, who, probably gets pregnant today (and she is not married); and so you are expecting that she should know better. And before you know it, she has taken in again the next year- Acting out!

And I have come to let you know, that God has heard your cry – Amen!

God heard my cry repeatedly; even when I didn’t know He was listening. Even when I have searched and concluded that God doesn’t listen. Even when I have searched and concluded that God picks the people He liked – He knows how to attend to the people He loves, and even when we feel He has abandoned us… He is there!

Even at that time, God was still saying: “I am there!”

In your Pain, He is there.!

He is the reason why that thing that happened didn’t take your life:

You were raped, abi?

Some other Girls were raped; some women were raped and they died – Do you know that?

Oh, you had Abortion, abi? Oh! Some people had abortions, and they DIED.

Which one is yours?

Oh, you suffered abi?

You were on the streets; your father didn’t care for you, your parents sent you out. You ended up being on the road.

Some people ended up on the road; the same day they ended up on the road; a car hit them and they died!

Some once street, a car did not hit them, but the Police arrested them with vagabonds for loitering- they ended up in prisons!

You need to know what other people are going through; you need to know no matter how bad your case was – God was there with you; God was the one that didn’t make it bad than how bad it was!

That was my reality; that was the point I had to come into: I can’t tell you the whole of my life story today (because time will not allow me).

But I want you to know that if I can; if God can pick me out of the mess of my life, and began to reform me, and began to give me the Assignment of taking His Healings to His Own daughters; then He has a Purpose for your being!

But unfortunately, except you stand up to it, except you decide and say ‘Enough is Enough!

Except you say to yourself ‘No more pity; enough of sitting down and lamenting in the situation I have found myself. Enough is Enough!

… What a Great Session with our Counsellor – Dr Timi – A Great Counsellor of People that has experienced Trauma, Abuse, Marriage Counsellor etc.

You will get to be reading a Dedicated Column of Dr Timi’s Messages on our DMC Websites on: www.discoveeymediacrew.com.

Also you can get to invite her to your Churches, Seminars and Conference – All you need do is to reach out to us @ DMC!

… Discovery Media Crew, Reaching out to the world through the Power of the Gospel!!!

COMPILATIONS BY

MOSES DURODOLA AND TITILAYOMI AJAYI

© DMC 2019

COUNSELLING SESSION WITH DR TIMI OYEBODE @ RCCG AREA 27, PROVINCE 44 UNDER THE THEME: RECOVERY FROM EMOTIONAL ABUSE, TRAUMA AND LOW SELF ESTEEM

Do you know also that research even tells us that experiences we had as children ends up affecting us even as Adults?

There is something we call ACE – ADVERSED CHILDHOOD EXPERIENCES.

ADVERSED CHILDHOOD EXPERIENCES (ACE) says: “If you have ever encountered any of these Traumatic Experiences as a child; your brain will computerize it – your brain will store it”. And it will have effects even in Adulthood.

For example, if you were ever ABUSED as a child – whether sexual, physical, emotional or whatever – it did not go away with your childhood as you think.

You might think, oh am an adult now so that means, it’s gone; it’s not there – It’s still very much there!

If you ever lost a parent as a child – maybe you had to live with a single parent. Or maybe your parents died, you had to live as an orphan; it has its own place for you, even as an adult.

If you ever were abandoned or had a sense of abandonment, or neglect from parents or caregivers. It has a place for you as an adult.

Not just its place; in fact research has shown us, not just what you will be doing; if I meet with you now, you tell me some of your challenges – I probably will tell you your experience as a child. It’s that serious now!

I can tell you; if you experience this as a child, you are likely to experience it as an adult.

For example, if you were a victim of Sexual Abuse as a child; you are likely to experience suicidal thoughts, You are likely to even have what we call: ‘A Feeble feel of God’.

And usually what causes that: is because ‘our Sexuality is synonymous to our identity.’

And so many times when you were violated, there is a tendency for you to then believe as you grow up, ‘that means my body is nothing’; there’s nothing good in me. And unconsciously you keep on repeating that psycho like idea to yourself.

Sexuality is expression of our inner self. And that is why it’s a big deal, when we come into the space of Trauma as we begin to explain what Trauma means;

TRAUMA simply means “An inner wound”.

It is a wound that is very deep – deep inside of our consciousness – It’s there!

In fact, i always explain that emotional pain is as painful as physical pain…; Ok let me give this example again; that if you hit your leg or have a cut: and you decide that, oh this my cut, would heal on its own – it will go! Deep wound, and you decide to cover it. What happens?

Yes, you have covered it successfully; but not long later – it’s either it makes you handicap (you start leaping); two, it starts stinking.

And many times, I look at some women, and I would say to them, ‘You are stinking!” – Not body odour; but your ‘wound’ is stinking.

You thought you have buried it, you thought you have dealt with it; but you find yourself struggling with anger issues – Your wound is stinking!

You find yourself struggling with self-esteem; your wound is stinking!

It’s there! You didn’t let it heal; you covered it up. ‘moved on’, like many of us say!

And I have come here to let you know today, ‘that time does not heal wound’.

It’s a myth. Time doesn’t heal emotional wounds! It may cover it up… but that’s just for a while.

Oh, it happened years ago; so so and so have moved on! The mind has mastered it; your consciousnesses has taken it in, and it’s there in your Programming.

That is why you find out that you act in some ways, in some places and you are shocked!

Even you yourself is like, I didn’t expect I will do that. But there is an inner anger that makes you do those things; even when you least expect.

And that is why today, I want us to become deliberate about our Pains, about our Pasts, about our Abuses – particularly Abuse!

Abuse is one of the major lead to Traumas.

WHAT DO WE CALL ABUSE?

Abuse simply means – “The Misuse of a thing” –

When something is not used the way it should be used; then an Abuse has occurred!

If am married, my husband and I are supposed to be one before God, right? The moment there is a third person or sense of somebody else; that means an ABUSE has occurred.

Are you getting me now?

So Abuse is not only what you think an Abuse is. Abuse is the moment something is been misused!

The Purpose of this Union is this; and when the Purpose is forfeited – it’s not working out that way, then an Abuse has occurred.

Abuse goes down, even farther down to when we were children. So many times when I ask women, ‘if you were abused as a child?’ The responses are sad!

Some doesn’t even understand what abuse means nor sure if they should referred to what happened to them as abuse. Because of the things that happened to them; some even thought it is normal.

Oh, some people say ‘but there was no penetration!’ And since they didn’t penetrate, it means I was not abused – since you did marry me as a Virgin – It doesn’t matter!

I had a young Bride who had come into a Session, because the husband and her had been married for Months and they couldn’t have sex; and they had been referred to come over for a Sex Therapy.

And in the Session, this woman, ok! Were you ever abused?

She said, No ooo!

Did anything ever happen to you? – No ooo!

Did you see somebody being raped? – No ooo!

Were you raped? – No ooo!

Ok, so what gets you frigid?

She couldn’t place it!

Until We had to do a ‘Mindfulness Exercise’ for her.

The ‘Mindfulness Exercise’ was able to bring her back to her childhood; and then she remembered!

When she was around the age of eight (8) and nine (9) (there about); they had their Dad’s driver living in their Boys quarters.

She said herself and her younger brother (about seven (7) years old brother) usually go to peep when this man is watching a movie in his apartment. And so on this particular day, they had gone there as usual.

And as they were peeping (watching what he was watching through his window) the man saw them. When the man saw them, the man came out and called them over; that ‘you these little children, you want to see abi?’ Why are hiding? Come inside!

He had dragged them into his room, sat them down, and made them to face the screen: he was watching ‘Blue Film’ – Pure Blue film! Orgy and everything you can imagine, in there!

And the Lady said she can even recollect that some of the scenes could be so disgusting; that you know as a child, they tryed to remove their face. And the man will push their face, and say ‘Sebi you want to see? Be looking; you must see ooo!’

… And that was it! That was it; just been made to see Exotic Pornographic video, Abused her psyche about sex! And affected her, over twenty (20) years later – in marriage!

Now you see what I mean; when I say that ‘It is not only Penetrative sex that is an Abuse’.

Abuse is also when you show phonographic pictures to children or to anyone. Or when someone feels uncomfortable!

A young Lady shared her own experience also: Her family had people come from the village to work for her Dad. Her Dad has a workshop, and all of that!

So she had some of these people who had come from the village to work with them! And so she said, overtime, one of them, she just noticed that as she is passing (she was a young girl); she said she was probably twelve (12) or thirteen (13) years of age when these happened.

And as she was passing, this guy will just flash her; flash here means he is actually naked: wears an overall, and waits at the corner for her, and suddenly just removes the overall – so that she could see his erected Penis.

He didn’t touch her, remember? He even stayed far from her! Of course, other times he doesn’t do that, their eyes catches, he signals to her like ‘you and I know something other people don’t know’.

She said it kept on going till the day she couldn’t take it anymore; she went to tell her Mum that ‘this uncle, he will just suddenly remove his trousers’. He will just suddenly open his chest! You know, he was doing things like that to her!

And the Mum in response, said ‘Eh!’ Instead of attacking the man, she attacked her (the daughter); the man went on to teach her the lesson of her life, so that when she sees sex, she would run! And so she did that for years!

The Mum put pepper in her virgina, the Mum flogged her, told her everything, that she should not be seeing a man – as if she was the one putting the man on the road – Abused!

Many of us also have our own stories of Abused. I was a victim of Abuse myself! Many of us had it, too.

And one Core thing, which I need us to understand is that: ‘you need to admit to yourself that something was done to you, that was wrong’.

It is unfortunate how many of us take responsibility for our Abuse or justify the abuse: ‘see, am at fault, am sure I caused it’. And it will go on with you for years!

In fact, mine was even bad, because one of my Abusers said my eyes were seducing him. I was a young girl of twelve (12) with a tiny body frame.

Of course you can imagine how I was as a young child. I was very thin and tall, and just straight like that. Yet you are saying that this tiny girl’s eyes were seducing you.

And so for years, I believed it! Even after the abuse had stopped. Even when I became an Adult; LOW SELF ESTEEM came in.

… Because you feel like you are the one causing it. It is because you look at them, and your eyes pulled them to you.

You see, ABUSE IS IN DIFFERENT FORMS: You need to admit that those things that happened to you, shouldn’t have happened. We need to admit that it had affected your psyche one way or the other.

As a young girl in Primary school, I still remember I had one of my teachers picked on me; and nobody could do anything to stop it.

… ABUSE – Psychological And Emotional Abuses!

Many of us have gone through some of these things. And that is the Point am explaining.

I know You have had these experiences, especially abuse… but then it had hold you down long enough.

It’s time to rise above it all.!

… What a Great Session with our Counsellor – Dr Timi – A Great Counsellor of People that has experienced Trauma, Abuse, Marriage Counsellor etc.

You will get to be reading a Dedicated Column of Dr Timi’s Messages on our DMC Websites on: www.discoveeymediacrew.com.

Also you can get to invite her to your Churches, Seminars and Conference – All you need do is to reach out to us @ DMC!

… Discovery Media Crew, Reaching out to the world through the Power of the Gospel!!!

COMPILATIONS BY

MOSES DURODOLA AND TITILAYOMI AJAYI

COUNSELLING SESSION WITH DR TIMI OYEBODE @ RCCG AREA 27, PROVINCE 44; UNDER THE THEME: RECOVERY FROM EMOTIONAL ABUSE, TRAUMA AND LOW SELF ESTEEM

BIBLE TEXT: 1 SAMUEL 25:2-42

For this particular Meeting, the story God gave me for illustration is the story of Nabal and his wife.

Do we know her? Do we remember that woman – the wife of Nabal? Who remembers her? – Let me hear her name – ABIGAIL!

Thank You!

You remember that story, of this woman (Abigail) who was married to this man (Nabal); who was so full of himself. This man was so arrogant, and so ready to risk the whole family’s life.

The story had gone on and on; but let’s quickly just see – let me take some Scriptures right here and read it out to us. And then explain the story, and then we will go to the Full Session.

1 SAMUEL 25:2-42 (please read through).

I want you to pick some words specifically in this story; because you will be amazed that whatever it is that your journey is and your peculiarity is – it is there! It’s there in the Scriptures.

Ok so here is a very beautiful woman Abigeal – Fantastic. The scripture says ‘She had good understanding’.

Do you know what that means? For a woman to have good understanding?

That means she is accommodating, enduring, amiable – She can be tolerant; highly tolerant!

But when a tolerant woman gets into a Marriage with a hard man; it’s a tough deal really. Your patience level gets tested to the extreme – that you see yourself doing some things, If they told you when you were sixteen (16) Years old, you would probably say ‘I can never do this’.

But now, you see yourself Years down the line that you become the ‘Margaret Thatcher’ that you thought you can never be. You see yourself fighting battles with your spouse and you are wondering: This is not me!

Let’s check the story again, As at that time (please note) David was in trouble – David was running away from the people who wanted to kill him in his own kingdom. So he was a bit more like a ‘Vagabond’- okay?

He had his own Soldiers who were going with him – but they lodged in different Places, they hanged around. And usually, because he is a Warrior, many times, communities have heard about him even before he arrives at their villages. They know about this displaced man or King who is so Powerful but running for his life.

So if he comes asking for something, because they also understood his battles – that King Saul wanted him dead (that is the King of Israel), some people offer him their help as his team needs food and upkeep on their journey.

So David was going around, without food. And he heard about this rich man – remember Nabal was a rich man! They said he had over three thousand (3,000) Sheep as at that time! So you see he was a very, very rich man.

So David sent a Message: I have heard about this rich man, please you ten (10) guys go and meet him. Tell him that we are passing by, and we might need some food – Just a little!

… Remember, Nabal lives in Prosperity!

David was literally begging Nabal (as seen in our Text 1 Samuel 25:5-9). So when his men got to Nabal – according to all these words (in the name of David); and they waited!

You can only imagine what Nabal said to them in return: “Who’s David? He dare sent you people to me? You all must be stupid.” You can only imagining what he would have actually said. (1 Samuel 25:10-13)

Remember, David sent only ten (10) men earlier. Nabal could have given only the ten (10) of them food. And they would have been contented. And remember he said ‘on a Feast Day’: that means there was celebration going on, there was plenty of food going round.

And so when David heard of Nabal’s insulting respond, he said to his people obviously in anger, …“come on guys, this man needs to be taught a lesson – a very good lesson!”

David had been known, to teach arrogant communities hard lessons: they get in, they destroy a place, they take over, they conquer; and all that! – He is a Warrior, remember? He was angry and set to destroy Nabal.

However, in 1 Samuel 25:14-17; we saw Nabal’s servant telling Abigail (the wife of Nabal): “Please know what you will do! You know your husband would not listen to any one! This man would get us all killed with his foolishness “

You know when men, are asking you the wife: “who do you think can talk to your husband?” And they say, ‘he doesn’t listen to anybody’.

… And immediately, Nabal comes to your mind again!

If you are dealing with these kind of men, YOU ARE NOT ALONE: that is what I have come tell you today.

If you are dealing with men who don’t listen to any other person. When you can’t say: Oh, this is the Person that can help us talk to him? – YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Nabal servants were the ones saying it; his people, close handyman were the people saying: ‘You know he will not listen to anybody’.

Then Abigail (his wife) made haste to intercede for her family because David was determined to kill every single man he meets in Nabal’s house (1 Samuel 25:18-22).

David was even cursing himself. You know when someone has put himself on a curse that “if I leave one single man in his house, by morning time…”

… He has placed himself on a curse; that means he must do it. Yet Abigeal was able to stop him.

There’s a Power that an understanding woman has!

And that is why I keep saying; “That to every Fool, there is a Queen. And to every King, there is also a Queen”.

Every single man; whether he is a stupid one or an intelligent one: there is a woman who just needs to understand how to manage him, how best to get him and how he works!

In fact, we can only try to imagine how this woman (Abigail) had been living with Nabal – It shows indeed, that she is a “Woman of understanding”.

… For her to have been able to stay that long with this man, it shows indeed that even if the world did not recognise it; even if the world did not count it something tangible: The reality stands, that this woman has sacrificed a lot, to live with this man.

And so what did she do? (Read 1 Samuel 25:23-31)

Can you see the power of understanding?

She was toasting and begging David; dancing to and fro pleading ‘Please!’ In case those words did not work, she then tried to prevail on his emotions (his relationship with God)

Telling him, ah! ‘So you will not have blood shed on your hands. Ah! So that this man (Nabal) will not make you commit more sins.’ And she was smart enough to request for help from this warrior,

… “But when the LORD shall have dealt well with my lord, then REMEMBER thine handmaid.”

Now, do you want to know?

Not only did David listen to this woman; if you read on to verse 32-34; you will see how David blessed her. And thanked her for saving him from committing an offence.

But you see, the amazing part was that after she had this encounter with David; she went back to her house (to that foolish husband of hers) – okay? And had continued her life.

But something was going to happen; in as much as it seemed she was stuck there: she never knew when liberation will come! She never knew when she will be free from this foolish man that she is married to. She was determined to save this man and her household.

She didn’t offer to say: ‘Man (David) I will go with you’.

NO! She went back, even to her husband. She went back to that same house.

Many would have thought like some people – ‘Why will she even go back?’

She went back there, and she had stayed there, until the Tides turned!

… So she had gone back home!

And amazingly, many of us are still in that state also: You are in that state when you know you are in Pain; you are in that state when you know you are in a bad Marriage or you are in the situation where you know things that you can’t even share with another person – It is so strong and painful for you but it’s seems there is nothing you can do!

You know; just like Abigail knew that she was married to a Fool. You know, that you are probably in the wrong place; but yet, YOU’RE STUCK THERE!

Yet it seems as if: When will your freedom come?

It looks as if: ‘Is this what I will continue to do for the rest of my life?’

Now, I have come here to say to you: first, you are not alone! Second, the state of freedom is the state of our hearts.

Everyone desires freedom!

Unfortunately many are not free!

Many of us are walking on the road; we look free, with good makeup, cars, good dresses; but the truth is – we are not Free!

I was driving along recently, and I saw a Lady, been chauffer driven (that means a driver was driving her). She sat at the back of the car. And she sat there (we were in traffic), and her car was just by my car. I was the one driving, and I looked at her side, and I saw this woman was sobbing.

Of course, all the windows were up; the driver just faced the road and this woman was sobbing behind him! In this very big elegant car! I could literally feel her pain!

For you to know that many of us are actually looking free outside but we are not free within.

But Freedom is something that we all desire.

Unfortunately, many thinks it is the bad marriage that is keeping them chained but NO, it is not just the Marriage that is keeping you stucked- That is where the Game Changer is going to come for us today! That is where the understanding and the liberation is going to come!

Because the bad Marriage, or the unhappy situation you find yourself today, didn’t start with the marriage but it’s a Compilation of other issues and past pain.

Most of the times when we feel chained; we are responding to Past Abuse and Past Issues that have happened in our lives that seems to be repeating it self in other forms now- what we call trauma!.

And then coming into this Marriage with this man, and having your hopes dashed by him who is also struggling with his own past pain and abuse… We end up repeating the Circle again.

You might believe God is not answering you; You might have Prayed, you might have held unto Him. But you might still find out that you don’t seem to be able to get rid of your pain. You might be wondering where is God: Is it that God is not hearing?

The truth is this: While Salvation is often Immediate, Transformation- Healing from past pain is a Process! – And Process takes time!

… And this is one reality we need to come into.

You need to understand the peculiarities of healing from past pains and trauma and understand also that our Journey differs; our Timing also differs!

You might wonder: How long am I going to stay on this? How long am I going to cry in this phase?

Whatever time it takes you, you will definitely get there!

Let me share with you quickly some myths about trauma…

1. THAT REAL CHRISTIANS DO NOT MAKE MISTAKES NOR EXPERIENCE PAIN…

A young Lady said to me the other day: I served God, I loved God, I gave everything to God. I didn’t even rush to get married; I waited. When I married, I was a virgin. I kept myself!

Three (3) months into her Marriage, she discovered that her supposed Spiritually strong husband had deceived her; she was actually the third (3rd) woman married to him.

She kept lamenting: ‘So how did I get myself into this mess?’

The man already has two (2) other women married to him with kids!

How did I get here? – She kept on asking; talking about the disappointment, the shame, everything she felt. And then she looked on and said: ‘How did God even allow this happen to me?’ ‘I had thought marriage would make me happy but am in hell right now and I don’t know when I would be free. I had thought being a child of God would make me marry right, without any pain’

Another Lady shared her experience with me; as she was talking about her Marriage; they were both Spiritually inclines. Both of them; people knew them (and I knew them also) as Vibrant Brethren and then they had gotten married!

Few Months into the Marriage, the husband said: You know what, I just even realised that I do not even love you.

… And so they have been married for almost seven (7) years. They have been living together, they go out together. But when they get inside the house, they are Total Strangers: they sleep on different beds. The man sleeps in the living room, the wife sleeps in the room. They have two (2) kids – to have the two (2) kids; the wife said she literally raped him (because the man doesn’t desire sex with her). She also kept repeating, ‘How did I get here? Why did God allow this happen to me?’

2. Another part of the myth you might also be having is: I THOUGHT MY PAST WAS IN THE PAST? MY PAST CANNOT BE HURTING ME?

A woman had shared her experience, and talked about how rough she has had it as a single. Because she had struggled to get married but couldn’t. She had a married man who had tried dating her years back And she had said no!

Then she finally met this young man (who was to be her husband later on). And during the courtship time they had challenges so they separated for few months (giving each other abreak).

And then during this break, the woman said one day she had felt extremely emotionally low and found herself going back to that first married man, who was still pressurizing her for an affair and She had sex with him. And of course she said she realised, ‘I shouldn’t be doing this’ (because this man is even married).

So after reconciling with her Fiance (husband to be); in all sincerity of heart, she had confessed that sexual act to him, ‘you know that time we were not together, I actually had this experience’. And he had said that was your past and they had gone ahead with their Marriage!

Years down the line in the Marriage, the husband had kept talking about this experience: ‘You this cheat. You that went to sleep with somebody else’s husband. You that we just had few weeks break, you are already jumping around. How can I ever trust you…?’

“I thought my Past was in the PAST? Why can’t he forget and let go?”, That was what she kept repeating.

She said: ‘I thought when God said He has forgiven me; that He has forgiven me, and that is it. So why these?’ She thought time would had even made the pain less painful but that is not the case!

3. Another myth about pain is that you might be saying or thinking: “MY OWN EXPERIENCE WASN’T BAD COMPARED TO OTHERS”.

So if Sister Lagbaja comes now: Probably Sister Kemi comes and share her own story now; ‘My own is not that bad, so I shouldn’t even be talking about my own’. Is that what you think?

The reality is this and that is why we are talking about “TRAUMA” today – so that you can understand: THERE IS NO SMALL PAIN.

There is no such thing as small Pain: Nothing quantifies pain. As in – this one is small, this one is big! Pain is pain!

Oh, if your husband is beating you, is that when you should be pained! If your husband is ignoring you, you say it’s less painful – Who says?

“EMOTIONAL ABUSE IS AS PAINFUL AS PHYSICAL ABUSE”.

The fact that the man is not even talking to you in the house, or not eating your food, not sleeping on the bed with you, or avoiding you; is even most times, much painful than when he slaps you!

So someone is telling you: Oh, your own problem is not big. Or you are thinking in your mind, you know, I can’t be complaining, everybody will think: Sebi you have a car, you have this, you have that. Ah, don’t talk.

No! It doesn’t work like that in Trauma. And I will explain WHAT TRAUMA REALLY IS, to us:

There is no minor issue, and that is what am explaining – all of these issues are experienced differently and is big enough for the individuals having it tough!

I will still explain to you the reality; that the same way our Physical body feels pained; the same way our heart feel pained.

You will agree with me that the human being is made of three (3) things, right?

What are they? – Body, Spirit and Soul. Good!

1. PHYSICAL PAINS: Now, amazingly when anything is wrong with our body; you are feeling some pains and so you are uncomfortable.

What do you do? Who do you go to for help? -The Doctors!

And you believe them? And often times they help out – Yes!

They give us Medications or they tell you the things to do that could relieve the Physical Pains;

2. SPIRITUAL PAINS: When you have struggles Spiritually, who you turn to? – Pastors!

They become the right hand! “Ah, Pastor this is what am facing oh. Maybe there is a curse. Please pray for me” – am having bad dreams. Abi?

Or you feel you are not Spiritual enough; they just have a way of running to our Pastors.

3. When your SOUL IS PAINED; when your SOUL IS BURDENED who do you go to? -God????

Ok, let me even ask us: Where is your soul? Is it with the Soul Therapist? (Laughter)

You see what we are saying? You know who to go to when you are having Physical Pains, You know what to do when you are having Spiritual Pains.

But when you are having EMOTIONAL PAINS; you don’t even know where it is coming from. You don’t even know where to get help. You don’t even know what to do! Ah, that is where the challenges come from.

So am asking: ‘Where is your Soul?’ – The Mind!

So where is the position in our body? – Anywhere! If you say head or heart, you are correct!

You probably have heard the phrase, ”The Soul of the matter; the Core of the matter; the Heart of the matter.” Okay? It’s just talking about our EMOTIONS.

Unfortunately, many of us are EMOTIONALLY WOUNDED.

We are dragging and moving around with our wounds. But we thought that we can go on hiding it or better still pretending you are okay, that is the challenge! It’s so sad how much is going on out there… many souls are wounded whether within or outside of marriage!

And I often explain to people, it is the same way: If I come in here and hit my leg on the Latten: Ouch! It’s going to be painful, am going to probably cry – Okay?

… It is the same way when my heart is broken! The soul, the heart feels pain!

Ok, let me ask you this question; This year if you have cried as in shed tears- let me see your hands. You have shed tears – let me see your hands – Beautiful! Keep your hands up!

That tears that you cried this Year was it because somebody had beaten you – keep your hands up!

Oh, no hand is up again?

… So we were shedding tears without been beaten?

Now you need to understand: Sometimes our Emotions is pained even more than Physical pains. Even much more than somebody flogging you.

And that is why we are paying attention to OUR EMOTIONS going Way Forward!

So this is what we call ‘OUR MENTAL HEALTH’ and the moment we don’t have it together, we are done for!

A young Lady had come into my office and after talking to her, she said: ‘I think am loosing it’. And I said, I understand! She said it is so Bad: that since she started having doubts about her husband fidelity her life had turned upside down. Even when she is in her house alone, she is having panic attack; ‘I don’t even know what to expect next’ – I don’t even know what will happen to me next.’

And I said to her: “When we get to the Place of Calmness and Peace within; the world will succumb unto us”. Can you let me help you get to that place?

… It’s amazing how Powerful our EMOTIONS are, really!

The moment we can be in charge of our Emotions; the moment we can be in charge of that Space, you will be amazed how you can control so many times around you.

… Now you remember our Biblical character- the story of Abigail? that was one woman who was composed Emotionally.

When the servant came to tell her, ‘see, your foolish husband as done it again, David and his men are coming to destroy us.’

Many other women would have panicked. Many other women would have been afraid – ‘Ah! Am done for: this man has killed us!’.

… That is what most of the women would have done!

In fact, some would have gone into the corner of their room, crying, and weeping and waiting for the death! Or some would have gone back to the man to shout – ‘Foolish man, see what you have caused us’.

But the woman (Abigail) was Emotionally Balanced enough to know that ‘I need to think fast – think of the way out of this mess for us!’

… And that was the Big Deal!

So, what I am saying is simply this…

Pain is pain; irrespective of whether it’s Physical, Spiritual or Emotional.

Pain is Pain! Let me hear you say that – PAIN IS PAIN. (Say it to your neighbour); No Pain is too small. Say it again: No pain is too small… But to deal with your pain and ride above trauma, you need to be Emotionally strong!

Emotional wellness and solid mental health is a standard against pain anytime!

… What a Great Session with our Counsellor – Dr Timi – A Great Counsellor of People that has experienced Trauma, Abuse, Marriage Counsellor etc.

You will get to be reading a Dedicated Column of Dr Timi’s Messages on our DMC Websites on: www.discoveeymediacrew.com.

Also you can get to invite her to your Churches, Seminars and Conference – All you need do is to reach out to us @ DMC!

… Discovery Media Crew, Reaching out to the world through the Power of the Gospel!!!

COMPILATIONS BY

MOSES DURODOLA AND TITILAYOMI AJAYI

© DMC 2019