EPISODE 1: THE WRONG REASONS FOR MARRIAGE

Counselling Session With Dr Timi Oyebode At Bethel Institute of Biblical Research Singles Summit,Gbongan,Osun State, Nigeria

… And I really need us to take note of this, please!

1. Do not really marry because somebody got pregnant for you or because you got pregnant for somebody.

In recent times, the reality of this has come so well. There os a young man, who the sister was sharing with us in a Program where we were recently: they are Born Again, they are Christians.

In fact the Sister was saying that it’s God that wants to deal with him, for fornicating. Because that one time formication ended in the Lady coming to say she was pregnant.

So just once, and the woman came and say she was pregnant. And he, of course being a responsible Brother, he was saying that the Sister said as at that time, she was saying ‘I don’t want to have children out of wedlock’.

He doesn’t love this Girl, they have not prayed together – it’s just an error!

That’s why the Sister kept saying because God wanted to catch you.

He married the woman!

This is ten (10) Years down the line, the Man’s life is shattered and they have DIVORCED.

When she was now telling us, she said: Will it now have been better if he didn’t marry her? Than he marrying and having it on record that he is divorced?

The same child he was trying to protect, that same child is going through the same pain of a “Separated Home!”

Not only that child (because they had another child). So the two (2) children are going to suffer for the mistake he made.

… It’s a long time ago that they used to say, she’s pregnant!

I have one of my brothers too that the same story happened to him. He is committing Adultery; he has a Girl in his house that has a child for him. He would say, am not even attracted to her: she’s too dirty, too this!

And he will tell you it’s the family that said because she was pregnant, he needed to marry her.

A mistake does not mean that you should continue to make mistakes.

And you see that pregnancy; whether it was a mistake by you or whoever; it was not God’s mistake!

God wanted that child to come, so you don’t try to correct a mistake by making more mistakes.

And I think that’s one place, especially for Pastors. They now cover up! That’s even the bad part.

Because the Lady is pregnant, they quickly come to Church, and do wedding. And some of us are suspicious, why the rush?

One of my girls asked me recently (there was a Wedding like that): Pastor, Mummy, was it not in April that we went for Pastor so, so Wedding? The wife’s stomach is like this…. I said, are you measuring her stomach? (Laughter!)

A young Girl; although they will then tell us it’s premature Baby – We have heard!

But who will suffer it, is it me? – You don’t need it!

I have a couple that came to me years ago. I will never forget those couple (elderly couple) – husband and wife. The son said all his life (the son is about thirty five (35) Years old). The son said all is life, he has always seen his parent fight – All his life!

And so when he heard about me, he decides that – I think you people need to come and meet this woman!

The day they came, it was the wife that entered first. When she entered, she went out, the husband entered. She then followed him and said, ‘you see your life, it’s your child’s age mate that we are now coming to meet’. That was what she said!

The man was telling me sorry, for bringing problem to me. I told him, no problem.

And of course, that was the way it was! I had to tell the Holy Spirit, please give me wisdom. Holy Spirit something is wrong!

They started fighting in my office there, they were exchanging words, they were abusing themselves (elderly couple). And then at some point I said, I need to know how you people met.

How did you even meet, that you decided, you are the one that wants to marry this?

Then both of them were silent; you talk!

And that was how the history came out: they were both Leaders!

The woman was the Head of Choir, she said she was Evangelist Bola Are’s friend. As in they were singing together, and Ministering.

She said the Ministry that God gave to her, it was supposed to be bigger, if not more than Mama Bola Are.

Immediately she said it, you know what the man said? He was CAC inclined and a young Pastor who just started Ministry. He said by now, he would have been a Big Known Name. He said ‘you are a witch, you truncated my Destiny’.

The woman too said, you are a bad man, you are the one that took my Ministry away from me.

They never talked about it all the Years they were married: They were preparing for their wedding, their wedding was three (3) Months to come. They were buying Aso Ebi, so the man said she should bring some Aso Ebi so that he will give his own family.

The woman went there, the man has gone to work. He was not at home. She waited for him, by the time he came it was late. Ah! It will be too dark for you to be going now. Maybe you should just stay till tomorrow morning. She stayed overnight till the following morning.

One month later, pregnancy! But you know the amazing thing, they didn’t know they were pregnant. That was where the shock was!

They had Prayed, they thought God has forgiven them. So they continued with the plan of the wedding. Three (3) days to their wedding day, the Church said they should go and do a Pregnancy Test.

Three (3) days to their wedding! And they had gone, the Test came out positive. And the Church canceled their wedding. Three (3) days to their wedding!

And that was it! So she just had to pack her bags and pack in to the Guy’s house. They never talked about it again; nobody raised it, nobody talked about it. And they started giving birth to children. They have four (4) in all.

But the children kept saying, all their lives, they see that their parents were always fighting.

Because when you marry somebody because the person is pregnant for you, the bitterness and anger, God will not forgive you – because you are bitter against that person.

So, is it not better you are taking care of your child as a Single Mother?

Take it as a punishment for being careless, and raise that child with Love? And the man being responsible, sending money, or taking the child to your parents.

One of our young Boys who did that recently, that is what his father did for him. He got admission to the University of Ilorin. The same Month a Girl came home to his mother that she is pregnant for him.

Do you know what the father did?

The father sent a message to him that he should come home – that there is an emergency. He got home, the father said, I can’t feed both of you. Sebi you now have a baby? I will take one – if am going to pay school fees for your baby, then you have to fend for yourself.

He was in Unilorin, he has to go and cater for himself. In fact the first one (1) Year he had to defer his admission because he couldn’t raise money. And his father refused to give him money because he has started paying Antenatal for the Girl he impregnated.

… Pregnancy is not synonymous to Marriage!

1. Another one, Pressure of Age!

There was a young Girl who was talking to me recently, and she said, eh, I want to get married.

And I said, how old are you? She said twenty six (26) Years – you know that at that age I should the married.

At twenty six (26)? She said, you know that is what the society believes:

If you are twenty six (26) Years old and you are not married, there is a problem? – The pressure of Age!

Who says? I know it’s peculiar to us the Yorubas.

A typical Ibo Guy, forty (40) something, you’ll see them single. He is hustling – that is what they say.

Let us not be put under Pressure, especially the Pressure of Age. God has different Timetable for everyone of us.

So somebody married at the age of twenty one (21), does not mean compulsorily you too you have to marry at age twenty one (21) – If your own is thirty (30) or thirty five (35); so be it!

Ah! By the time I’m thirty five (35) Years old; they will say am too old.

Who says?

I still remember one of my mum’s friends. As in saying my mum’s friend, which means I was matured then ( I was in secondary school) before that Aunty got married; and she still got married, and we still went for her wedding – Who says!

Recently, we heard this woman sixty (6O) Years old; Bukola Osagie Claire – Sixty (60) years old.

Although she was a widow; she has been married and her husband died and left her with children. You will even probably will know her – those of you who know Music very well. Simi’s mother! Simi, that girl, that Musician. Her Mother just got married at sixty (60).

So who is talking about age and marriage? If God has told you you will get married, then so be it!

1. Another one; The Quest to leave the house:

My father is wicked, I need to get out of this house. So the first man that comes, you jump and follow.

1. Religion, Revelation of Prophecies;

Thank you Pastor (because he spoke excessively on that). And he told, you are the first Prophet after Jesus who is seeing something for you. They see things for you, when wahala starts, they will back out!

One of my friends, that is her own situation: her Pastor encourage them, pushed them (she was quite young). The man was the head of choir. They pushed them, and they did the wedding – You are compatible, God brought you together.

Years down the line when their problems started. Ten (10) time, by the time they were going for a divorce, the Pastor that said it on the Altar; came out Publicly on the Altar and said Bro Lagbaja and Sister Lagbaja are going for a Divorce. So they are dismembered from the Church. We don’t want anybody to have anything to do with them again!.

The Lady was talking to me, she was crying. She said, can you imagine? And they were the one that were pushing her into the Marriage. When the trouble got there, they didn’t stand by her.

1. Threats and Blackmail: in fact, me I don’t even use to talk more about that one.

The one I talk about is Pity: You see you Sister that pities a brother: ‘I just feel for him, I pity his condition – the way he talks!’

Ah! You pity and marry somebody? You use pity and marry somebody? Please no pity; be sure and be clear. No sentiments!

1. Some people marry because of Joblessness – Financial Security. So that somebody else could help them.
2. Some people marry because they want to give their parents grandchildren – So that my Mother will see and dance with her grandchild.

Is your Mother and your own Destiny the same? If you her a grandchild, and she sees and dances with the grandchild, abi? And she finally now dies. And you now continue a Marriage of hell.

I don’t know, maybe some of you do not know some of these things ongoing now. But so you know that Domestic Violence Rate has changed? – Most of the records we have now, is women beating their men. Yes!

Recently, they created this Team where women are trained. A man told me, not quite long, you won’t believe it, but my wife is beating me.

1. Some people get married because that is the next Agenda after School.

… Now that you are done with School, so what next? – Marriage!

Ah! When some other people are making great things with their lives.

1. Some people go all out to get married, because somebody offered to take them Abroad.

There is a Guy Abroad who is looking for a wife. And you, you are available – Opportunity! American here I come!

I’m sure I said something: America is not Heaven – You need to get there once.

Maybe when you get there, the excitement will die off. And you will realise Nigeria is better!

America is not Heaven! They use it to deceive us and the Glamour are all lies. They have slums, they have villages, they have poor people, they are poor, they cannot eat. They have beggars, and when many of our people get there, they become beggars.

And unfortunately, somebody marries you and take you there, the person is in control. He will seize your Passport. He will flog you and beat you. And there is nothing you can do. Because you are an illegal Immigrant.

1. Some people get married, because everybody is getting married – All my friends have gotten married.

Ok, anyway these are the CORE THINGS you should consider to now choose.

So if you want to choose, we are talking about – doing any of these Reasons, DON’T get married.

Extracts from the Counselling Session With Dr Timi Oyebode @ Bethel Institute of Biblical Research Singles Summit, Gbongan, Osun State Nigeria.

… You can have Dr Timi in your location – Just talk to us!