Category: Meet The Counsellor: Dr Timi Oyebode

Counselling sessions by Dr Timi

  • Audio: Talk on Sexual Abuse – Dr. Timi Oyebode, RCCG 68th Annual Convention

    Audio: Talk on Sexual Abuse – Dr. Timi Oyebode, RCCG 68th Annual Convention

    Interactive session on sexual abuse featuring Dr. Timi Oyebode during Evening Session, Day 2 of RCCG 68th Annual Convention.

    Convention Theme: Wonderful

    Discovery Media Crew brings to you the audio format of interactive session on sexual abuse featuring Dr. Timi Oyebode, Day Two (2) of RCCG 68th Annual Convention, August 4th 2020. Theme: Wonderful Topic – Sexual Abuse

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  • SUNDAY SERVICE WITH DR. TIMI OYEBODE @   RCCG (FOUNTAIN OF LIFE CHAPEL) 34/36, OLUWALOGBON STREET, KETU, LAGOS NIGERIA

    SUNDAY SERVICE WITH DR. TIMI OYEBODE @ RCCG (FOUNTAIN OF LIFE CHAPEL) 34/36, OLUWALOGBON STREET, KETU, LAGOS NIGERIA

    TOPIC: CRISIS: HEALING FROM TRAUMA, ABUSE AND ADDICTION

    DATE: 20th OCTOBER, 2019

    BIBLE TEXT: 2 SAMUEL 13:1-29

    Thank You Jesus!

    OPENING PRAYER:

    And so Father, we just want to say THANK YOU! Receive our Praises because only You deserves our worship; only You deserve the Honour. And only You deserve the Adoration.

    We give it to You this morning, with our hands lifted up; and You have said, if You be lifted up on high, You will draw men to yourself.

    Thank You because this is the Season of Migration, as you draw men to yourself ! Thank You for today’s Service – Dominion Service. Thank You because it’s a Season of Dominion; a Season of Victory. Thank You because You are here with us.

    Thank You Holy Spirit; we love You so much, Sweet Holy Spirit. And we are Grateful for this Encounter with you. We ask that You will take Preeminence over this Teaching Session.

    Even as we go through the the Question and Answer also, You will give us wisdom that supersedes all human understanding; in Jesus’ Name.

    We give You all the Honour! In Jesus’ Mighty Name we have Prayed – Amen!

    Somebody shout a big Hallelujah! Shout a very big Hallelujah to the King of kings, the Lord of lords, the One who is the Soon Coming King!

    Praise the Lord! – Amen.

    Please, let’s have our seats in the Presence of God; let’s sit Majestically as children of the Most High God! We are sons and daughters of the Great Father and He is here with us today.

    I have often times being called: “The Missionary of Healing”.

    The reason basically is because God gave me a mandate, years back – to take His Gospel of Healing to the Church (specifically, to His children).

    And at that time, I began to wonder: What really does He mean by HEALING? Is it Physically? And He told me specifically, He said – “EMOTIONAL HEALING”.

    When it comes to any area of our life; whether Marital, whether Health, whether Finance, whether Job (workplace), Ministry. Whatever area you are in, God is interested in your Wellness in that area.

    I remember a couple of years down; I think precisely 2001/2002, I had a dream. And in that dream, I saw a crowd of people: it was like a Warfront- battle ground.

    But this War was holding in a Field, where there are grasses (tall grasses). And I saw, like two (2) opponents firing at each other.

    And so when one side dodged, the other side will get up and will fire! And then when they fire, they will go down again; this other side here will get up and fire back!

    And I was looking at this Drama for a while in my dream. And then suddenly, I noticed that at some Point, something absurd of them who were getting up…… You know they were dodging; and then they will shoot back at the enemy.

    And some of them, as they were getting up; they had something around their head. It was like their head was double. So I moved closer to see, “What was it?” And I noticed that it was actually, children.

    As they were dodging from their enemy’s bullets; they picked up kids (children) and hung on their head. And so they are getting up to shoot at their enemies using the children as a shield.

    In case their enemies shoot back, who does it hit? – The CHILDREN!

    … DO you understand?

    So they used the children like a Shield to Protect themselves.

    And immediately, in that dream (this was a night dream); I was screaming, I was shouting. I kept saying: If you want to harm yourself, go ahead, but spare these young ones. Leave these children out of your battles.

    … But they were not listening!

    Obviously, they weren’t even aware that somebody was talking. And I got worked out and emotional about this. But then – I thought I could jump into the middle.

    So I thought, jumping into the middle of the battle and screaming will make them hear me. But still, they didn’t hear me; the bullets were going on, by passing me.

    Then I realised that, for real, they didn’t even see me, nor hear me. And at that point, someone dragged my hand; and this person took me from the battle field. And on and on I was lamenting to this person that: “What is going on?” He said: it’s a battle!

    ‘Yes I know However, why do the young ones have to be involved in this battle?’ And he said to me: you cannot stop the Battle nor the manner in which the warriors fight their wars. But this is what you can do;

    “Anyone wounded in that Battle, you go and take that wounded person, take them to this Place I’m showing you and get their wounds healed.”

    And in that dream, He led me to a flowing River and He showed me.

    He said: “Take the water from this River and wash the blood off that wounded person.”

    And there was a tree just by that River, He said: “Plug the leaves, He showed me the leaves, He said – squeeze the water on the leaf, on the wound of the injured ones and they would be healed”.

    And I don’t know the exact date, but I remembered, I had that dream, it was 2001/2002.

    It has has been a long time. But as the year comes on and on, the clarity of that dream became clearer and clearer.

    My Vision, my Assignment and the Purpose why am here with you this morning is because: some of us are those children, at some point or the other used as a bait or defence on the battlefield. We have been wounded, we have been injured. And right now, you are even crying, and we are as good as helpless.

    But the Lord has heard your cry; He has sent me down to let you know that He is still God. And that He was there in that battle. Whatever battle your life had to go through; He says, He is still God! He has been there, and He is still there! And He wants to heal you.

    … But you need to allow Him!

    Talking about Battles, talking about wounds; but what is my interest is ‘Trauma!’ And over the years, I have had to explain repeatedly that –

    In fact, some of us were traumatized; like when we didn’t know. Because peradventure it happened to you when you were a child.

    And most of this Inner wound that we face itself, now as adults: actually happened to us when we were quite young; when we didn’t have control over what was happening.

    … When the “Adults” in your life (at that time) were using you as a defence!

    … Trauma is inner wounds, inner wounds – DEEP wounds!

    You are the only one that knows those days, that you would sit up in your room and you don’t know who to talk to; but you are just crying.

    And anybody sees you outside later; Sister so, so and so, how are you? I am fine! Oh, Brother this, how are you? Oh, am great!

    .. But you know deep down, you are not fine. You know deep down, you are not great!

    The inner wounds that has no comparison; because you can’t even compare it to anything tangible. You are the one that knows it.

    … And that is what we call “TRAUMA”.

    While what we call “ABUSE” is when we are misused.

    … Unfortunately, many of us have been misused.

    Am going to show you all of these, I am talking about, from the Scriptures so that it won’t be, oh! She’s just talking!

    But it’s amazing what could have happened in our lifetime, based on other People’s decision; based on things we saw. And we have to live and walk with the repercussion from it.

    And you know what, also? Because it’s amazing! And this is one of the reasons I appreciate the Church; every time I have to step and stand on the Altar of God and talk. Every Church that is opened to let us talk about Addiction and the struggle of Members.

    Because the reality is that it is sad the way we see Christians struggle with these things: that we think should be with the world, but they are there in the Church!

    How many of us have seen the video or heard about the Pastor who was sleeping with another Person’s wife? How many of us? – Oh! Many of us did. Interesting!

    Even if you didn’t see that one, you probably have heard of some other things. Worse things that you probably wouldn’t want to talk about.

    You probably have heard; oh there is this Person, oh the things he did are so terrible, you won’t believe he is a Christian – Yes or No?

    But then, you wonder sometimes if this Person is a Believer. If this Person is a Believer (in any capacity) then why are they doing these things?

    What makes them not to have Power over their body to be able to say NO?

    What makes it so difficult for us to be able to trade off some of these our Personal struggles – which we call- “ADDICTION?”

    To drain up your lusting for masturbation; what makes it difficult for you to stop and STOP?

    What makes it difficult for you not to tell lies anymore? What makes it so difficult for you to look at that Boy; to look at that Lady, and take your eyes off?

    What makes it importantly, that you need to do sex every other day – every single day?

    Sometimes you don’t want to do it; but you just find yourself keep doing it – as if it is a marathon. It is ADDICTION!

    Usually, the way it plays out is this: when you have been wounded, possibly as a child (sometimes). However, we have some trauma that comes in as an Adult!

    For example, if you enter into a wrong marriage or you have a terrible experience at work. You have this kind of Boss that just keeps looking down on you. You have situations around you that you just can’t control.

    … It will give you TRAUMA, even as Adult!

    Also, experiences that give TRAUMA include: Accidents (things that you didn’t plan for). Okay? Unexpected painful or shocking experiences give you TRAUMA.

    What am saying is: there is a circle of whatever struggle of Addiction that you are going through. And that circle goes this way; from Trauma (which could be by Abuse or painful/shocking experiences) to Addiction (based on to the fact that the Nobody would stay in the Place of pain for so long! When you are uncomfortable, you will likely look for something to ease that pain off. And usually, that thing you look for (to ease off) – that is ADDICTION!

    For example your loins; oh! It’s burning seriously – the erection is so much! The only thing for you to do at that moment is to have sex with someone.

    When you do that, that becomes like ‘Ease off”; a relieve to that pain!

    Continuously doing of that behaviour is what we call – ADDICTION. That behaviour itself was meant to help you suppress a thing!

    And it is amazing how many times we have struggled as Christians with some of these behaviours. But we can’t even speak about it.

    And am going to show you in the Scriptures:

    2 SAMUEL 13: 1-29

    If you are with your Bible, please open with me. Because we are going to do a quick study. It is a story that we are all familiar with:

    … The Story of TAMAR AND AMNON.

    You know the Story? Okay! Well, I want to look at the story from another angle today.

    I believe that, so far what you have always heard about that story was on a brother who raped his sister (his half sister). Right? – Okay!

    And this Boy must be a very terrible Bad Boy. Yes! And of course, Tamar was a victim; right?

    But this is what am going to show you this morning; the fact that Tamar wasn’t the only VICTIM in that story!

    … There were so many VICTIMS in that story; including Amnon himself!

    So 2 SAMUEL 13:1-29 (PLEASE READ).

    Keep this information, “AFTER THIS…” Some other Translation says, “After a while”.

    That means that before Amnon, before this story; and if you go ahead to check the other story, you will see that it is the story of David and Bathseba (you remember the story?) That happened before this Chapter.

    So the Bible is telling us that after David and Bathsheba’s incident had happened; this then happened!

    Also Absalom – if you are a good Bible Student; you probably would have read that Absalom was a very handsome young man. Okay?

    In fact, history says: at a time, he was the most handsome!

    Now, it is not surprising, his sister (Tamar) was beautiful, too – You get it now?

    And possibly, if he was very handsome, you can imagine how the sister would look, she would have been amazing. Because, imagine Absalom was a woman; they called him the most handsome man! It tells you Tamar must had been a very beautiful sister.

    … But then, something goes wrong!

    Am going to pick some points specifically and I will want you to take note of those words.

    AMNON, the son of David; TAMAR, the daughter of David. They were siblings! But (of course, they were not of the same mother) – they were half siblings!

    … But they were still of the same Blood relation.

    If you go to Leviticus 18; you will see how God gave them instructions about sexual relationships; especially among family members.

    And one of the strong ones that came out was: “Never sleep with your father’s daughter or your father’s son”.

    In fact, the repercussion was that, that Person should be cast out or the Person could even be killed.

    But Amnon had this “LOVE”; now look at that word ‘Love!” They could have written for us that Amnon “LUSTED” after her. But it wasn’t written that way – They said, Amnon “LOVED” her.

    … Are you getting my POINT? He “LOVED” her!

    Meaning that some times, if you look at this word; when we talk about falling in love, and situations that happen to us about the feelings of love.

    You hear so many people say: I just have this feeling for her; or I just have this feeling for him!

    It wasn’t something Planned. Falling in love is not something Planned; it just happens! – Right?

    You don’t just wake up in a day and say: this is what happens – see, am going to just fall in love today. You just meet somebody and the Chemistry happens!

    And then you say: Yes! I fell in love. And then by the end of the day, you are at home and you are smiling to yourself on your bed.

    Unfortunately, if you look at it very well: You and I that are here today, ask yourself – “how many times have you fallen in love with the wrong Person?”

    Oh! Is it the first Person you fell in love with (in your life) that you married? – Ask yourself!

    Because I want you to put yourself, and begin to see how Amnon (the way that guy really was): he fell in love with the wrong Person – he had serious strong feelings!

    And this is one of the reasons I always say: When I talk to Teenagers and Young People, I always tell them: “The DANGERS of Falling in Love”.

    … Because this is an encounter that you cannot actually control.

    But Amnon fell in LOVE! And what did he do? The Bible says he was so distressed. He was so longing for her that he became sick!

    Now, because she was a Virgin! Obviously, Amnon before that time has been having sexual relationships. Obviously, that wasn’t his first time with a woman.

    But this was particularly difficult; because she was a Virgin! There were so many conditions that were making it a bit more difficult.

    … But when the Bible told us again, it said: “Amnon fell sick”.

    Now this is what I say; and when I explain it to People, I ask you: “When you are down with Physical malaria – when you feel distress in your body, what happens to you?”

    Are you the one that controls the fever? Are you the one that controls the fact that your hand cannot move? Are you the one that controls the fact that at that moment, your legs cannot move?

    The same way we fall sick Physically, the same way we fall sick Emotionally.

    If you can feel distressed in your Physical body; to the point that you cannot control what is going on Physically; the same way you can feel distressed Mentally!

    … The same way you can get to that point Amnon got to!

    Amnon got sick Emotionally; Amnon put himself in a situation that weakened him. He couldn’t control it!

    And many times we find ourselves putting up with such situations – circumstances you can’t control. And your Emotions are dead sick!

    AND WHAT HAPPENED TO AMNON NEXT?

    The Bible said, he was so sick that it was so critical!

    Some of us, the sickness we have been struggling with, is so critical that the hospital you have been going to, and Doctors, cannot find anything.

    You have been going to them yesterday; and today you are also going to the hospital. Because what is wrong with you is not Physical.

    What is wrong with you is an EMOTIONAL Pain! And you need to get Mental strength; the same way we get Physical strength – to be able to deal with that pain.

    So they went on; Jonadab (who was his cousin) – Jonadab was not only Amnon’s cousin; Jonadab was also Tamar’s cousin – Remember?

    You remember the Story? Because we are told that he is Amnon cousin. Remember, Amnon’s cousin, was also Tamar’s cousin. He was a strong man, crafty; almost like a snake. And he was quick to see!

    Now, this is where the problem lies; especially when we have EMOTIONAL challenges.

    It is always painful that People who are of the same Faith; People who are right thinking; People who are good in their heart: they don’t see our pain.

    … I hope you understand!

    Now, you can’t even understand why somebody who is in the Church; who is growing and then suddenly has some Emotional issues.

    And then People of the world are the ones helping them; when People of the same Faith do not!

    Am sure Jonadab was not the only cousin that Amnon had!

    Remember this; Amnon was the first son of David. He was the Crown Prince. He was the guy that was going to become King, after David – if all had done well.

    Probably you have not read that part of the Story. Oh! He had everything in his command; everything! He had everything! Am sure he had several friends, too.

    But the bad ones were the ones that came to check on him; and said ‘you are looking so down – oh! You are looking so distress’.

    Probably the Good ones just saw him and moved away: and he told this guy his problem!
    Actually…

    “Nobody will enter into your mind to know what you are going through, except you speak out!”

    So Amnon has told Jonadab, he had said it out – Oh, I have this longing, ‘I LOVE’ Tamar, my brother Absalom’s sister.

    And then Jonadab was saying to him; “Lay thee down on thy bed, and make thyself sick: and when thy father cometh to see thee, say unto him, I Pray thee, let my sister Tamar come, and give me meat, and dress the meat in my sight, that I may see it, and eat it at her hand.”

    … I always emphasis the Power of our Sight!

    When Tamar sat there baking this cake for her brother; the brother sat down (remember that he was not sick – he was pretending to be ill).

    So he sat down on the bed watching her; admiring her. Looking DEEP (Visual Pornography)! Taking time and looking, watching, nodding. The desire keeps lingering.

    When you are in a stage of Mental or Emotional distress, the worst thing you can do for yourself again is to go Visual.

    The more you see, the stronger your struggles will come. The more you see!

    And so, Amnon had sat there waiting! For people who make cake, you probably will know how long it will take that girl to have baked that cake that day! And she was there baking it.

    And after she was done, she kept feeding him. The guy said: No, No, No! I don’t want to eat. She kept pleading and begged. And then he said: if you want me to eat, let everybody step out!

    You know she was a Princess, also! So she had servants; she had People who were on her Service.

    Everybody stepped out! Now, this is where you see the servants also as victims.

    “The Place of accountability is the Place of you being responsible to other People; being able to give account of yourself and for others”.

    Well, in any way, Amnon, a Crown Prince. And at that time, nobody would have contended with him. And Amnon had asked that they should step out. They stepped out.

    And he had drawn his sister to himself, and has struggled with her. And the sister had begged him, had said to him: oh No! Don’t do this; you are my brother!

    Oh, No! You know how many times your mind has struggled with the fact that you know you shouldn’t do something.

    But you kept on struggling; But the force was just too strong for you to stop.

    Don’t do this, you are my brother! Oh what will the world say? Oh, you are going to bring shame to me! She said, have Mercy upon me. She even went further to say, what will People say about you? They will call you a fool! They will say so many things about you!

    But that time, the guy was sick. The guy was Mentally sick! And so he couldn’t reason properly anymore!

    … And that is what am telling you: That Amnon was a VICTIM there too!

    And I will tell you what made Amnon a Victim also! Because his father (king David just two (2) chapters before had seen a woman (Bathsheba) grabbed her; took her, possess her. He was a full grown man!

    What happened? There was this young son Amnon, who witnessed his father’s taking of a woman with his power; and this is what I say to Parent, that sometimes you do things (your children see) and you say ‘it doesn’t matter. They are watching you!

    And so it’s not surprising that Amnon could take, possess what does not rightly belong to him. Because his father just did!

    This same reason is why I usually do a ‘Family Tree tracing’ for issues people bring into Counselling… the principle of family of origin, is to trace family history or pattern with regards to the problem.

    Is there any other Person in your family who had this struggle? Is there any other Person in your family who had had these challenges?

    Lo and behold they start thinking: Yes! Actually, my Dad had an affair. Yes! My Mum had an affair.

    … And you wonder why you are struggling sexually?

    There is an history!

    You saw it as a child. And when you saw it as a child; remember that dream I said I had. The impact of your childhood is liviing you out even as an adult. Bright out your life!

    But then, let us simply go on; so that we go into the Core again.

    Amnon had done what he wanted to do – he had raped her! And I say to us at some point, that there were some People in the room there he had asked them to excuse, Right?

    One of the servants, probably Amnon’s bodyguard or his own PA, could have said something to him. As the event was presenting itself, obviously you should know probably that those servants knew what Amnon want to do. Do you agree?

    You don’t take a Princess, you don’t stay alone with a Princess in a room. It’s not done (at that time). And you have asked her to Cook for you, she has done the cooking. And then you are saying to everybody ‘please step out!’

    Many times, we also have experienced that. You know of a young girl in your neighbourhood.

    … Am speaking to adults and parents now!

    You know of somebody, and they are saying ‘that girl is just wayward!’

    Oh! You know that even the guy calling this girl to come over; you know what they want to do. But you just carry your eyes away!

    Oh, many times I have asked many guys; oh were you ever aware of a lady who was raped? And then I get this answer: oh No! Maybe after it has happened.

    But the truth is this, sometimes I have gotten this kind of answers too; that, yes! We saw her, but she is not my business.

    Probably there were People in your life too, that acted as if ‘it’s not their business’; and they left! They didn’t help you.

    Imagine if one of them had stood up for Tamar at that time. Even if they could not help her (they couldn’t beat up the Prince). You know of course, saying NO to a Prince is more like death, as at that time!

    But, they could have done something, when he told them to step out. Even Tamar’s servant, they could have run to call for help. But they all did as if they didn’t know what was going on.

    Sometimes when you think you are helpless (you can’t help somebody else); you can still do something!

    That is why like I said, this Topic we are having this morning concerns us all. Everybody should pick their own. Whatever it is God is speaking to you in this area, this morning: pay attention to it!

    And so, he had raped her. And immediately after, in 2 Samuel 13:15 – “Then Amnon hated her exceedingly; so that the hatred wherewith he hated her was greater than the love wherewith he had loved her. And Amnon said unto her, Arise, be gone.”

    Sometimes, the PAIN of the Abuse is so painful that you are even upset with yourself for what you have done. But rather than stop it, you do more than you had bargained for.

    I keep saying, that when you use a lie; a Lie covers another lie; one wrong covers another wrong. Until you are able to sincerely look at yourself and say: No! What I did was wrong. Then, you will get help.

    Until you are truthful to yourself, then help will come your way.

    But then, this has gone on! So she had said to him: “you know this evil of sending me away is worst than what you have even done to me”.

    But he could not listen to her! He called his servants who attend to him. That means he could call them; that’s what I just told us now. That means probably the servants were just behind the door.

    So they heard the noise! They heard how Tamar was screaming and shouting. Because if he could just stay in the room and say, Come! And they heard him (and they responded).

    And he said to them “take this woman out of here!” And lock the door behind her.

    Of course, they did that! And of course, Tamar had left. But this Guy, who thinks he is ok; and I have to tell you this morning, that he was also a Victim, for the fact that he had Mental illness. Beyond that also, the fact that he had foundational issues!

    Witnessing his father taking over another woman that wasn’t his! And so he was repeating a CIRCLE of Family Abuse!

    And indeed, it didn’t stop there! If you go down with the story, you will see that Tamar left, screaming and crying, and going out. She tore her clothes; she was ready to say to the whole World, “this is what have happened to me”.

    She had probably met her brother, Absalom. And told him what has happened to her. And Absalom has said to her: you know what, keep quiet.

    The same way we have People told us to keep quiet about Pains! The same way we have heard people say; don’t talk, don’t say it out!

    He had said to her “keep quiet”. But the Bible said it; if you check 2 Samuel 13:21; “But when king David heard of all these things, he was very wroth.”

    The only thing he did about it is that he was angry. He didn’t do anything about it!

    Sometimes we expect that people should act for you, but they failed you. David didn’t do anything!

    If you are a father, can you as a father, hear your daughter being raped. Will you fold your hands? Will you just sit down? And it is not just rape!

    That Generation is different from our own. At that time, a young Lady who is raped; who is not a virgin, can never be married. And that is why if you check the next verse, it says:

    “So Tamar remained desolate in her brother Absalom’s house.”

    It means that she was still in the King’s Arena (that’s a Place for women) permanently for the rest of her life; without a child, and without a husband.

    This is something someone has done to your daughter. We would expect that you would at least react. Yes! He was angry. The Bible told us he was angry, yet, he didn’t do anything about it.

    Amnon was a son he so much loved, remember?

    How people have failed you too? I don’t know how many people you have looked up to, to fight for you. Instead, they didn’t do that.

    I don’t know what is it that you have looked up to, but didn’t have. But whatever fall on this path;I have come to say to you, this would have done deep wounds in your heart – the same way it did for Amnon and Tamar.

    As I go on with the rest of the Story; we see Absalom plotting in his heart to deal with his brother (Amnon). And he had gone on ahead, to deal with his brother.

    Absalom also became a victim of that situation.

    And that is what I always say to us: every time there is a bit of an issue or perversion; you are not the only one that’s suffering!

    That same thing you are doing, and you feel that you are having fun at that moment; a lot of other People are suffering for it! Your children are suffering, your wife, your husband, your siblings!

    Absalom suffered for this event, greatly. Because; Absalom was a handsome youthful man, who probably would have become a King.

    Even when you make a decision; so imagine now, their mother had three (3) children. That is what the Bible recorded. She had Absalom, Tamar and the other guy!

    The first son, who was the handsome one, became a murderer; because Absalom killed his brother. And as a Murderer he had to run a way from the Town.

    That was why he was not in Town for a long time – for about three (3) years! He lost his Position, he lost his Power, because of what happened.

    And yet I am saying to you: that all of these would have been prevented, if David their father had lived a Presentable lifestyle to show them.

    I have not come to make any excuse for anybody. I have not come to say to you that: Oh! Whatever it is you are doing, that People led you into it.

    *But I have come to say to you that the error Amnon made was the fact that
    1)He saw pervasion with his father
    2)He did not talk to the right person

    Amnon did not get help for his lust or desire – that is strong Desire he was struggling with.

    … Amnon could not get help; he allowed his Pride, and that led to his destruction.

    And this is why I have come to say to you – I don’t know what your own journey is; I had my own fair share of journey, too!

    And I have always said this; I will let you know that our JOURNEYS differ! But there is only one major thing, the enemy has made many of us to hear often- that yours is worse!

    And he has focused from your childhood to attack you; trying to make sure that he succeeds. Trying to make sure that you will have behavioral challenges.

    Oh, he made you that person who is always angry; every little thing, you get angry. You are like a time bomb – that he has just prepared you and put that habit inside of you.

    But now that habit come on you suddenly; so many things went wrong!

    Now, you can correct them; now you can take life afresh; now you can begin to say: “let me take back my life”.

    I made that decision, and that is why am standing in front of you today. I probably would not be here, if I didn’t make that decision. I was abused at the age of seven (7) as a young child, in my parent’s house – My parents were Ministers (Pastors).

    And of course, many of my Abusers; because that was the beginning of Abuse that went on and on! And many of them were also People of the Faith. And of course it got to a point, I made a decision that it wasn’t possible anymore!

    I didn’t want to be a Christian, I didn’t want to live this FAKE life. I didn’t want to be just like them because I felt it was so fake! And so I left the Church. I left, and I began to do my own stuff.

    When I say I left the Church; I mean I left the Faith. But I was still attending Church (years back) you get me? Like many of us do. And I went, seating for Sunday Services. And sometimes even the Person Ministering, you are just doing like this: “Abeg finish, let us go!”.

    And then, when you are gone, you go back to your old lifestyles; because your Path is not connecting anymore! That was my state for several years.

    But at some point, I even began to try other Religion. What was I looking for? INNER PEACE and Healing for my Inner Wounds.

    Some of us do same! Of course, mine went on and gravitated to behavioral challenges that even my parents were not aware of. Oh, Sexual Problem: Big Time!

    But at some point, I knew it was either I find help or I Self Destroy! What that means is that, the way in which you are going: it is either you get help or you destroy yourself.

    And let me say this to you; because it is not about you! Maybe you think you are so important. Oh No! It is not about you; it is about Generations that are supposed to come out of you.

    Because when you Self Destroy, your children will also Self Destroy! And the Circle keeps on going like that.

    Oh! You just have this longing; you just feel like you cannot help it. Go check that! You will Excel, be a mighty man in so many things. And yet your Joy is gone; your Peace is gone!

    I told someone recently, I said three (3) things the devil take away from you with Sexual struggles, in particular are:

    1. Your peace- it takes away your Sanity – Your Peace. You keep having a constant fear of being discovered.
    2. Your health- It takes away your Health. Oh! Maybe you don’t know that some of the challenges you have health wise goes down to sexual intercourse you had.

    3.Your Wealth- that’s the 3rd thing, he takes from you. You keep spending so much to maintain or access this behavior

    A recent research in 2019 told us that every man a woman sleeps with; he drops his DNA inside of her. And as the DNA drops at the back of the ear, behind the eyes, behind the nose, and it goes on to the bloodstream.

    … Every single man, you ever had sex with!

    Oh, some people have said: Oh! It is all these Spiritual People that come up with their own gimmicks to scare people!

    I didn’t come up with this! It’s a proven research work.

    I went through my own struggles Until He in His Mercy decided to have Mercy on me.

    And it is the same I have brought His Mercy to you today. Because there are issues; there are challenges really!

    But I have come to say to you, that you can make a decision. You don’t have to be, and end like Amnon. Amnon had challenges – Amnon had seen his father does it! Amnon had longings! Amnon also had a choice… but he chose wrong!

    We have longings, we have desires; but we CAN BE IN CONTROL!

    And these are the QUICK NINE (9) RECOVERY STEPS I usually recommend, everywhere.

    I call it: BIBLICAL STEPS TO RECOVERY:

    1. ACKNOWLEDGE THAT YOU ARE WOUNDED:

    Say it to somebody; the Bible says: “Confess your sins one to another”. You need to say it to somebody:

    ABUSE thrives in Secrecy! Behavioral Struggles thrives in secrecy!

    There is a Book I wrote; you can get it Online or even YouTube. Called: “SEX – EYES WIDE SHUT”. It is all about sexual struggles. Am talking about how Christians can be able to overcome these things.

    But you need to first of all acknowledge that you are wounded. See! No one will help you, if you don’t say ‘I am down, Come and help me!’

    If you keep falling, keep behaving like you are okay; they give you responsibilities in Church and you are still mounting the Altar. And you are still Preaching and doing all sought. Everybody thinks you are fine!

    But you need to acknowledge first that you are not fine – something is wrong!

    1. TRACE THE SOURCE OF YOUR PAIN:

    The source of your Trauma; where did it start from? I just told you that of Amnon; his struggles started from his father.

    TRACE yours on what you are going through. Yours might not even be sexual. Yours might be Anger problem. Trace it: who else has that Anger History in your family.

    Oh maybe yours could be alcohol; TRACE it! Did you live with somebody who was an Alcoholic?

    Oh, maybe yours is even Beating your Wife. Oh, or yours is disobedience. Always quarrelling with your Husband. TRACE it!

    Healing starts from you! You probably learnt it somewhere!

    1. SEEK COUNSELLING; SEEK HELP!

    I explain oftentimes that the Place of Professional Counselling is just a Place where you have your Body, your Spirit and your Soul.

    Your Body is been attended to by Medical Doctors; Your Spirit is been attended to by Pastors; Your Soul (that is your Mind); the Place of your emotions oftentimes is neglected. Because you think you can MANAGE by yourself.

    Professional Counsellors help out! Some have been concerned about going to Psychologists who are not Christians. But there are many now, Professional Counsellors who are Christians; who would guide you, using Scriptures.

    Or even if they don’t go Biblical with you; they use Principles that are Scriptural. You understand what I mean! They are not going to be opening Bible for you, but they are going to Guide you and help your through Recovery.

    … But you need to SEEK HELP!

    So a lot of time when we are saying: you don’t know what we are going through; I don’t know where to run to. Now, there is HELP AVAILABLE!

    1. KNOW YOUR PERSONAL TRIGGERS:

    What are the things you see, that spurs you up? Amnon’s Trigger was his sight. And he sat there, sitting down watching the woman. Is Pornography your own Trigger?

    What is your Trigger? Is it sight? Is it Sound! Some of us, is what you hear! And that is why I keep saying that as Believers, you need to watch what you listen to: the Music you listen to; the Jokes, you listen to.

    Smell! For some of us, it is Smell – odour. You just perceived something and you will be sick. I mean having to work with those Addiction Clients – those who usually are faced with one form of Addiction and all of that. One of the strong addictions that work for them is Smell.

    In recent times, you must probably have heard of how People are using their urine; using all sorts, as an Addictive Measures. Smell!

    So find out yours! There was a time I found myself addicted, a kind of to Garlic. I used the sense Principle to check that; where is it coming from? I just had to chew Garlic! But then I realized there was a time I had to stay in a Place where there were loads of odour. And perceiving that strongly, overtime, gave me a strong craving for searching it out!

    … If you TRACE it; you will FIND it!

    We cannot deal with a problem on surface; It has a root! Do you get my point?

    1. COMMIT TO JOURNALING:

    Also, the Bible says in Isaiah 30:8; it says: “WRITE DOWN”.

    There is a Principle of writing. If you put down your journey of struggles and whatever emotional thing you are going through down; you will discovered that you will recover faster and better!

    … WRITE it down!

    1. IDENTIFY YOUR NEGATIVE THOUGHTS AND SELF SABOTAGING STATEMENTS:

    You are not your struggle! Stop saying ‘I am an angry man!’ You are not your struggle! Oh, ‘I can’t do without women’. You are not your struggle! STOP calling yourself what you are not!

    It is just like when we say to you; you don’t have to say ‘I am sick!’ Do not possess; do not take it. Oh, rather; that is why I often use this word; I recommend it to my Client to rather say:

    “I struggle with taking drugs; marijuana”.

    Don’t tell me ‘Am a drug addict’.

    Do you understand what am saying?

    “I struggle with: Lust, Formication”; don’t say to me ‘I fornicate’. You are NOT that behaviour! So check out your own negative thoughts. Track your thoughts!

    I usually explain also by saying; “Think about what you are thinking about!” If you find yourself thinking about something, can you take a minute to ponder about that thing you are thinking about?

    … So that you will be sure that you are thinking in the right lines you really want to think!

    1. ACCOUNTABILITY:

    Remember I told us about Jonadab (the bad friend). Who are your friends? Who are your Accountability Partners?

    I have a young boy who is struggling with Drug Addiction. Okay? And in recent time he was working really; his recovery was amazing!

    You know why? Because he kept saying: ‘Now we are getting better (repeatedly); I have gone a Month without it. I have done this! And then he is about resume back to School.

    And then he ran back to me and said: Doctor, Ma, am afraid to go to School. And I said ‘what is the problem?’ And he said; because in School, all my friends take it! And so, because all my friends take it, am not sure I will be able to continue this journey of Recovery!

    Accountability! Who are the people around you? Who do you report yourself to? Who do you tell your struggle?

    Remember, you keep it underneath to yourself; you are going to still feel hurt. But then, it hurts more, if you tell the Wrong Person!

    So you need to find the right Person to begin to use as your Accountability Partner.

    1. FORGIVE YOURSELF!

    Some of us have struggled with things that you can’t fix. You say, Oh, if I have not made this mistake, if I had not made this decision. You blame yourself! Must of you do.

    Because if you don’t forgive yourself, it becomes difficult to move on.

    Forgive your Abusers: the People who didn’t do what they were supposed to do for you – Just like the servants or bystanders of Tamar. People who were supposed to come and rescue her; but they didn’t rescue her!

    People that were supposed to support you, that didn’t do. The role that your father played in your life; that you know that if not for my father, well, I would have been a better Person today.

    Let Go! He didn’t know at that moment. He didn’t know better. If he had known at that moment that what he did would make you a terrible person; he probably wouldn’t have done it. But he didn’t know better!

    Maybe that was the best level of parenting that he had. You need to let go!

    Oh! You felt your mother abandoned you and left you alone! And that is why your life didn’t go well. That is why you are in this struggles; that is why things changed for you – It is time you let her go.

    Because the more you hold on to these People that hurt you, or maybe People who didn’t do what they were supposed to do in your life; the more you are holding yourself down.

    And of course, FORGIVE GOD!

    A lot of you might be in my category; for many years that I held God in grudges, I kept saying: He doesn’t like me.

    I believed so much that God didn’t like me. And I kept saying it. “You don’t like me, me too, I don’t like You!” And so, we were leaving as far apart.

    Why? Because I kept thinking: Where was God when I needed Him? Oh! I remember several nights I will Pray in my room, I will sit down, I would I Pray; I would say, God if You just exist, make sure this man does not come tonight.

    I would do so many things; I would beg. But No! He comes over! And of course, he was full of the Word, he would quote Scriptures. But God seem not to listen to me at that time.

    … And so I decided, He was my enemy!

    In fact, I usually use that Scriptures that says “Jacob I love, Esau I hate”. So I used to say, I believe God chose some People already, He hated some. And obviously, I am one of them.

    But I didn’t know, that our Father is ever loving; just always waiting.

    And that brings us to the last point: Everything He allow us go through is for a Purpose.

    1. USE YOUR PAIN FOR A PURPOSE

    Everything! If God allowed you to go through a difficult childhood, when you were hungry, when your parents didn’t care for you. Ordinary school, you couldn’t even meet up. Ordinary WAEC, they couldn’t pay! In fact, they couldn’t help you. There is a PURPOSE.

    If God allowed you to be raped; oh, you were abused, oh you were a victim. Whatever it is; it’s crazy. It sounds so crazy; but the truth is – there is a reason why it happened!

    And when you find a Reason for your Pain; you have conquered that Pain!

    But I found the reason of my Pain; for the issues I went through for several years of my life.

    But sincerely, when you master your Pain, and you think about why God allowed it. This is what I keep telling my Clients. Even if you are still cracking your head, why did God make me go through all these?

    I have been jobless for a long time, oh my children are not even in school. Why am I experiencing all these? And then somebody is saying to me this morning:

    Why am I experiencing all these? My parents did not pay my school fees. Am in the University, the Lecturer wants to sleep with me. One man wants to sleep with me. Why am I experiencing all these?

    The reason you are going through all of that, use this morning and find out all of that. But there is always one Universal reason: everyone of us, especially those who are of the household of God.

    God wants you to use that same event for someone else! It’s never about you! You are even blessed; it is even an honour that He chose you to go through that Path.

    Jesus had to go through the Cross; but it’s never about Jesus. It was for the Salvation of you and I.

    Your PAIN, whatever you are going through, it is not because of you; it is because of somebody else. And you need to go through that thing, so that you will find out much later,

    And when you have found that Person after all, you can say to that Person: if I have gone through this, you are not going to go through it also.

    You find out that people who are giving out Scholars now had problems with School Fees. They made up their mind they are going to help People go are going through the same thing.

    Whatever your own struggle is, if it is sexual, you are going through that is ,for a Purpose… discover your pain’s purpose and use it.

    Now, you have discovered your Purpose; reach out to others. Say am going to talk to young Boys about masturbation. Am going to talk to young Boys about lust.

    The more you do it, the more you CONQUER – Hallelujah!

    Thank You Lord Jesus!

    EDITORIAL NOTES

    … What a Great Session with our Counsellor – Dr Timi – A Great Counsellor of People that has experienced Trauma, Abuse, Marriage Counsellor etc.

    You will get to be reading a Dedicated Column of Dr Timi’s Messages on our DMC Websites on: www.discoveeymediacrew.com.

    Also you can get to invite her to your Churches, Seminars and Conference if you reach out to us @ DMC!

    … Discovery Media Crew, Reaching out to the world through the Power of the Gospel!!!

    COMPILATIONS BY

    MOSES DURODOLA AND TITILAYOMI AJAYI

    © DMC 2019

  • COUNSELLING SESSION WITH DR. TIMI OYEBODE @ RCCG THRONE OF GRACE UNDER THE THEME MENTAL & EMOTIONAL WELLNESS; DEALING WITH TRAUMA

    COUNSELLING SESSION WITH DR. TIMI OYEBODE @ RCCG THRONE OF GRACE UNDER THE THEME MENTAL & EMOTIONAL WELLNESS; DEALING WITH TRAUMA

    DATE: 13TH OCTOBER, 2019

    BIBLE VERSE: 3 JOHN 1: 2

    WHO, that is World Health Organization had told us that about 30% of Nigerians are believed to be suffering with Mental illness

    They have gone on further to tell us that about 15.1% of every one thousand (1,000) persons are likely to commit suicide.

    They went on to tell us again, that only in the Year 2018 (as June last Year) over forty five (45) people had committed suicide.

    Now, coming into this Year (2019), in fact as as May/June this Year; more than forty two (42) people, have committed suicide.

    But you know, all of these are Statistics, and they are not new information. In fact, you know these are the reported cases – Many have gone unreported!

    But you see, none of these would really have made any sense or being of concerned to me as a Person anyway if not of the fact that I went to check out history of some of these People who committed suicide.

    And I saw that many of them were Christians.

    And then it dawned on me again that unfortunately, the Church is not exempted from that menace; from that monster out there, taking out people away.

    It dawned on me again, that Spirituality is still not stopping our people from going through depression or suicidal thoughts.

    But you see; I have always known this anyway! Because I had my own fair share of depression, of suicidal thoughts, and actually, even suicidal attempt.

    Pain is real!

    I have come in this morning with just a Message, and that is to say to one of us here (I don’t know who you are); but when I was Praying and meditating, I heard it very clearly in my Spirit:

    He said, you are going out there for one of my daughters; one of my sons. Someone out there who has been crying to God for a period of time. Because it seems no other Person can understand.

    Pain is REAL!

    And He has sent me to tell you that He still has the Power to take away your pain.

    God is still God; it doesn’t matter how painful it is, He remains God.

    And so the Bible verse that He has laid on my heart to use for the Message this morning is taken from 3 JOHN 1: 2;

    “Beloved, I Pray that you may Prosper in all things and be in health, just as your Soul Prospers.”

    We are talking about “MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL WELLNESS”.
    We are talking about “DEALING WITH TRAUMA AND THE PAINS THAT HOLD YOU BOUND.”

    Many of us indeed, desire to be free from those things. It’s heart aching for you; in fact, you can’t even share some of those things you are going through because if you dare open your mouth, they will say:

    “Oh! Aren’t you Born Again enough?

    Oh they will say: “So you are not Spiritual enough”.

    Oh, they will say: You have not eaten the Word enough. That is why you are going through all of that.

    … So you would rather keep quiet.

    Yet if the Apostle could write that he; Prays for the emotional Wellness of individuals who are already Believers…it tells us it’s not automatic.

    … This Passage was written to People who were Believers already!

    It says: “Beloved” (Brethren of the house of God);

    He said;: “I Pray that you may Prosper in all things and be in Health, just as your Soul Prospers.”

    Now, this makes me ask this question always: In as much as we know, or we are in that Place where we understand HEALTH. And we understand PROSPERITY; how much do we understand the SOUL-Emotional Wellness?

    The point is this: Man is made up of three (3) Parts – Do you agree with me?

    You agree with me! Can you chorus it?

    … The SPIRIT, the BODY and the SOUL!

    When our body is in pain or we are uncomfortable – as in we are having pain on every parts of our body.

    What do we seek for? – Medical HELP!

    When our Spirit is down, when our Spirit is disconnected, what do we seek for? – Spiritual Help!

    When our soul; particularly, when your soul is down, where do you go to for help? – Amazingly, often times,no response!

    It’s sad how we pay so much attention to our Physical Wellness, our Physical Being as well as Spiritual Growth (our Spiritual Wellness). But often time, we forget that other part- our Mind.

    And you see, this is amazing because God who created us knows that we need the three (3)! That is why we are made up of the three (3)!

    One is not supposed to supersede the other!

    But unfortunately, we have ended up feeding the flesh (the Physical) much more, many times even more than the Spirit; many times, even more than the Soul!

    And when we talk about the soul exactly, it means is- The MIND!

    Have you ever heard the phase- ‘the Soul of the matter’, ‘the Core of the Matter?’

    The MIND – the Place where thought reign. The place where things happens before it happened Physically; – Is in your MIND.

    God is saying to us in 3 John 1:2 that “your SOUL may prosper”; that your MIND may be WELL.

    And the same thing I have come to say to you today, that God is interested in your Mind.

    God is very interested in your thoughts – in the things going on in your head, at every single point in time.

    The ‘Soul Prospering’; is as well as saying: ‘Your Mind is Healthy!’

    If we say you have Mental Health; and let me quickly explain this; because probably what you have been hearing has been, Mental illness.

    Mental Illness is totally different

    • Mental illness is the opposite of Mental Health – Okay?

    Mental Health means you are fine!

    Every single one of us has a Mental Health capacity that we need to maintain – Okay?

    And so, when we are not on that space, or we are not able to manage that, then we begin to talk about Mental Illness!

    And being Mentally Healthy means that:

    You are able to cope with the challenges life throws at you.

    Being Mentally Healthy means that you are able to manage stress effectively.

    Being Mentally Healthy means that you are able to manage Emotional Stressors or things that comes to hit you: Work Place stress, Relationship stress, Parenting stress, Marital stress.

    … That’s Mental Health!

    The moment you are able to manage yourself, despite whatever is coming your way; then we would say: You are Mentally Healthy!

    However, the moment you are having challenges in any of these; you find yourself struggling. Probably overnight, you are having sleepless nights, you keep having persistent nagging headaches – because you are thinking – overly thinking!

    Then you might already be digressing into illness.

    THERE ARE TYPES OF MENTAL ILLNESS – Various types of it!

    So for our sake, probably this morning I will just mention the common ones, which include;

    1. ANXIETY DISORDER: It’s amazing how many of us are overwhelmed with the fear of daily living.

    “Oh, I don’t know what will happen tomorrow; oh, ok what is happening right now?”

    We are here right now, you are seated in this Congregation right now. But your mind is even not here. You are already thinking: “oh, where is so and so? Oh, did I drop the key?

    Some of us, find ourselves so anxious; even sometimes having palpitating heart beats or even panick attack, this is what we call the general anxiety.

    There is what is call social anxiety disorder too- Okay?

    So some People have Social Anxiety Disorder, which makes them not to be able to stay where other People are.

    Some have General Anxiety Disorder: which simply just makes you anxious at every single thing! But the bottom line of anxiety is FEAR.

    I remember the Bible telling us, that we have not been given the spirit of fear.

    Do you remember that Scripture? – Fear!

    … Anxiety disorder is a common one!

    2. Another common Mental Illness that you want to consider is MOOD SWING or MOOD DISORDER, rather.

    Oh, some of us have this mood struggle, you just go into this sad mood for a long period of time.

    I understand Pastor was talking to us earlier today, and he was sharing about being in control of your emotions.

    But the reality is, you just find yourself go into this mood that you can’t even control. You don’t even know what is wrong. And it could go on for days.

    I have heard someone saying – something like, ‘I have not stepped out of the house for the past five (5) days. In fact, I have not had my bath, I have not eaten – Am just there!

    And then by the sixth (6th) day or the seventh (7th) day thereabout, the person is up again. And you see him outside looking glamorous, beautiful and laughing.

    And then a week or two down the line, you are back to that Phase again!

    You can’t even understand it yourself – you just find yourself repeating that circle.

    And you think everything is okay with you? – No!

    Mood Disorder: one minute up, and the next minute down! And you can’t actually trace it.

    And you find out that you are just going deeper and deeper into a mire – that you can’t pull yourself out of it.

    3. Another common one, which Mood Disorder often lead into, is DEPRESSION.

    Now, reality there is, that Depression is an Illness.

    And it amazes me so much, sometimes when I hear someone use it as a comment: “Oh, I think am depressed’.

    Who diagnosed you?

    How did you know you are depressed?

    … Because it’s a big deal to be depressed!

    Because often time, at that stage, you can’t even control the emotions anymore. It begins to control you. It determines whether you will smile or not.

    Oh! In fact, you would have forgotten when last you even smiled. At least, maybe smile from your heart, anyway!

    Because some people could actually be depressed and they could paste a smile on their face, and you think everything is ok; and actually, nothing is ok with them, internally.

    4. Of course another common one (which I spoke earlier about) is SUICIDAL THOUGHTS.

    Someone sent a message to me over the weekend asking – why can’t Christian be allowed to commit suicide and still make Heaven?

    Obviously you could see that this Person is struggling with the fact that she would have wanted to commit suicide, if not for the fact that she is a Christian;

    And possibly because in her Church or some teachings she had heard are insisting and telling her, she will go to hell fire – if she commits suicide.

    But if the options was opened, you and I, ask yourself sincerely: if truly you kill yourself, and you can still make Heaven today, today. Where will you be right now?

    Chorus: Heaven

    Oh! Heaven?- Are you sure?

    So many of us would have gone – Fast Track!

    Especially when you find yourself struggling with some particular pain that we cannot share.

    I struggled so much with depression, for several years. And it got to a point, I remember thinking the best way was to end it all, was to just take my life.

    It didn’t even matter as at that time, anyway; I think I shared it with them at the Sisters’ Meeting. I had left Christianity; I had left God. As in, I didn’t even want to have anything to do with Christians- Okay? Sometimes the pain is so much you aren’t even bother about hell or heaven.

    I had converted to other Religions – about two (2) or three (3) other Religions, at that time. I can tell you about the perversions going on in the Church. And so, I wasn’t interested.

    I got to that point where I just lost it all and I felt that the best thing to do was to end it.

    And I had gone on to take insecticide, and gone to bed! And I woke up the next morning, I was wondering, ‘how come I am still here?

    And then I had thought, after a while, that possibly that kind of poison, or whatever, wasn’t strong enough to kill me – you know!

    But I kept hearing in my Spirit: “You won’t die”. And I kept saying: No! I just have to die.

    Of course, it’s not that I didn’t believe in God. I knew there was God. I grew up in a Christian family before I backslide and left the whole thing – Okay?

    So I knew the principles of Christianity, I knew there is God. So I wasn’t in that category of people that says there was no God.

    It’s just the fact that I felt that God loved some people, He hated some people. And I was in the category of those people He hated. And I was meant to live my life the way I wanted – Okay?

    So that was just it: I was just a rebellious child… You understand?

    I heard it: “You won’t die”.

    And I said, No! I just have to. Even if they say Hell Fire. Hell is hell; let me get there and see the Hell. Because I thought Earth here was even Hell.

    And so, I made up my mind to try it again. But this time around, I decided I wasn’t going to use any thing that wasn’t going to make it final. I had decided I would rather go and jump from a building!

    Then I was in school. And I had gone up to the 2nd floor, I have written a letter and I have explained to the whole world, the reasons why I was tired!

    And before then (I probably need to mention this to you); that I have been writing God a lot of Letters; asking Him if ‘You truly He exist, help me’. But it seemed, He was on sabbatical.

    And so, I had dropped the Letter, and I had stood at the other edge and I had said: “I just have to jump!”

    You probably would be wondering, what could be so bad?

    But sometimes, even if I tell you how bad; you would probably even say: Is that ALL? And so what is the essence of even sharing with you what was that bad!

    But you see, part of the badness was the fact that I was struggling sexually. I was going from one end to the other. And I knew I was running a race that was destructive already.

    I have been abused as a young girl; at age seven (7) and by the time I was 14- 15 years. I was messed up. I was still being sexually tormented by one of my guardians and had gone into sexual perversion you can imagine. And I just knew that, it is either I get help or end my life.

    You know why? – Because sleeping at night was also distressing!

    When I sleep, am always been pursued by masquerade or some men who were having sex with me in my dream.

    When am awake, Physically, when my eyes are opened, I am tormented by people who want to take advantage or have sex with me too!

    And these marathon was just too much for me to bear.

    At some point, I just thought the whole thing has to end.

    … And there was I, making that decision to jump and end it all!

    And probably I would have done it that day. Maybe God saw my determination that today, this girl will do this thing; and she will end in Heaven. Or is it Hell? (Laughter)

    For His Mercies, He had prepared someone. And coincidentally, that someone walked in and dragged me up. But of course, I didn’t come to bore you with that details today!

    Because what I have come majorly to say to you today: I don’t know what your own pain is; I don’t know what is causing the Depression or the Suicidal Thoughts that you are having.

    Whether it is Financial problems. Whether it is Family problems, Whether it is Sexual problems or Addiction.

    Whatever it is that is making you think that you just have to end it all. Whatever it is that is making you think that you have no value or no worth anymore.

    Then, I have come to tell you this: God is actually involved in that story!

    What He told me years later; He said: ‘Do you know I was there?’

    I said, so when I was raped, You were there?

    God said, Yes! I was very much there when the guy was opening his trousers.

    So You were there when this man was…

    He said, Yes, I was very much there!

    Maybe that is His Supremacy. Maybe that is why He is God!

    Probably that is the Place we cannot question – Why He is making you go through what you are going through right now.

    But I want you to know that, whatever it is you are going through: He has an AGENDA. He has a Purpose for that PAIN!

    He has a Reason for that Pain! And peradventure, the capacity to bear that pain has been given to you. But of course, the pressure out there is too much, that it seems as if you can’t take it anymore.

    Some of the Pressures actually come from stressors, from friends, families. Oh, colleagues at work – some of us have terrible Bosses that is just frustrating. In fact, your workplace is toxic!

    Oh! Your family; it seems as if you are the odd one out! Nobody is helping you, nobody is supporting you, it is just as is you are there alone!

    Oh! The Church: because you have ran into the Church. Don’t let me tell you history about the Church – you also know. Right? How the Church can be a Stressor.

    Because you have thought these are Brethren, I can fall back on and then you realize that the brethren are not ready to have you lean on them…

    Well, let me give you a little gist of when I got Born Again: and I had thought that ok, now coming into the House of God, am going to get all the support I needed.

    But you see, amazingly what we were getting were backlash.

    But because my Salvation was so Genuine – JESUS Himself GRABBED me! – Do you understand what am saying?

    Otherwise, probably I would have been stressed all over again.

    Oh! Sadly how the church had become The Place of make believe; people are not living up a fulfilled life despite being believers.

    I have had Christians chat me up; send messages: “Oh, Madam you are right, am into the choir – am a Singer, am a Leader. Am in Ushering, am doing this. But actually, I struggle with Sexual Addiction every night.

    There is a guy who consistently talks about every time at Month end when he earns his salary, he needs to go to a Brothel and spend it all!. And he was Leader in his Church!

    “Please can you help me?” A lot of men who are married; that is their cry in their heart! But you see, they can’t come to Church and say: See, this is my struggle!

    Because if they say that in Church, what happens to them? They will be Stigmatized!… yet the church is supposed to be a place where the sick can admit that they are sick and get helped but alas, it’s not the case.

    … But this is actually what the situation is!

    There is something we call the “TRAUMA CIRCLE”.

    So when we say to someone: You need to stop lying, you need to stop stealing – Okay? If you don’t stop that formication or adultery, you are not a Christian anymore!

    We need to also consider what brought the Person to that space, first!

    The Bible talks about the renewing of the heart;

    The Mind is a Powerful Space, and so, the fact that you are Born Again or you gave your life to Christ, is not all. It talks about: “working out your Salvation”.

    There is a Place of now WORKING, through the process of healing. And that is where many of us have missed it.

    So you thought you got Born Again, and then you start Church activities; you start everything; forgetting that you needed to go and deal with your PAST – with your Pain!

    And when you don’t deal with your pain, it deals with you. And so what do we have in the church? We have people struggling with Behavioural Issues!

    The trauma cycle actually often, start from an Abuse. And when we say abuse; sex is not the only form of abuse. You know that? – Yes!

    Verbal abuse, Emotional abuse, Parental Abuse – there are different kinds!

    Now the moment there is an abuse- as in, someone goes through an abusive situation, the mind goes into a PAIN mood.

    When you are in the Pain Mood, automatically, the mind begins to look for rescue – as in, you can’t stay in pain always- you would seek temporary relieve.

    The way you are seated now, the moment you begin to feel uncomfortable, what are you likely to do?

    You will adjust – Right?

    That is the same way the mind is.

    The moment the mind is in a Pain Mood; whatever your own pain is, after a while, your mind begins to look for alternative to that pain. And usually, that alternative gives you immediate release from the pressure or the pain you are going through.

    However, unfortunately, that alternative often then becomes a routine – an habit. And that Habit is what is now call ADDICTION.

    … Did you get the pattern?

    And that is why dealing with Addiction, you need to go through that Process, to find the original Pain, to find the pressure and the pleasure that you are getting, in replacement!

    And this explains why you find people living their life in the Circle.

    Am going on to: HOW TO DEAL WITH YOUR TRAUMA; HOW TO DEAL WITH YOUR STRUGGLES, HOW TO DEAL WITH YOUR PAIN.

    The first thing I will always recommend anytime, is to first of all ACKNOWLEDGE that something is wrong with you.

    Enough of covering up, enough of packaging.

    See, the world doesn’t care – And you need to know! If you are down today, you are gone, and nobody cares.

    Oh! Have you know how many Ministers they said, oh, the man slept with two thousand (2,000) women. Did the Church not continue? – You are not answering me? His own worship house might shut down but the church of God moves on.

    The Music Minister that they said slept with all the Choir Members, and he is gone. Did the Church not continue? – It did!

    If you keep on with your struggle, it’s going to end as it is- your own Personal struggle. And it will only lead you to Hell; the Church of God will go on!

    And that is why you need to first of all acknowledge that there is a problem. Rather than keeping face up with the spiritual titles or church activities.

    I have men & women coming into my office, and I will often ask them: Tell me about your sexuality not their spirituality, Because this is the Key thing!

    I tell people, If I know your sex life – what your sex life looks like; I can tell you what your other lives is going to look like; including your Financial Life & spiritual life.

    Because Sexuality is Powerful and big. It influences what happens all around you; it influences your relationship, your finances – almost every part of you, okay?

    Many would reply and say “my sex life is average”
    And so, I will say: Ok you are an average guy.

    Let me give you an average guy assessment.

    When I give an assessment, it’s amazing how many are on the borderline of addiction. Because what we look out for is frequency.

    If you find yourself longing for that thing much more regularly than you can control, it is often a struggle. So,

    1. ACKNOWLEDGE that you have a challenge: Acknowledge that there is a problem.

    You do not have to cover up anymore, acknowledge that something happened to you. Acknowledge that there is an inner wound. Because Trauma means ‘Inner Wound’.

    … So No. 1, Acknowledge that you are wounded!

    2. GRIEVE Your wound; grieve your Pain. Everyone of us has a right to cry over what we have lost in life.

    You have every right to lament about how the whole thing didn’t work out for you. How it worked out for someone else. You have every right to it. It’s your right!

    Because one of the challenges we have had is people thinking – No! I shouldn’t be complaining because if I complain it shows I am not grateful. If I complain it shows that I am not trusting God enough. If I complain it means that…

    It’s amazing; our Father wants you to talk! He says “come to me, let us reason together”. He wants you to complain to Him. He wants you to say it!

    Stop being strong for everybody; God didn’t make you that way.

    3. STATE YOUR GAIN – In every Pain, there is a GAIN!

    In every experiences; I don’t know what yours is, but in every pain there is a gain. There is something GOOD about that experience – Oh yes!

    Many times when I am working with a Client, I say to them; you need to STATE your GAIN. What have you benefited from this behaviour?

    Ah Ha; okay? If it’s as a person, they go like ‘what if I was raped. So what will you say is the benefit or is the gain of being raped?

    But the reality is this: If you look at the situation properly, and you open your sense of awareness, there will be something you can take away POSITIVELY, from that experience.

    4. IDENTIFY your Negative Thoughts And your Self Sabotaging EFFORTS!

    Self Sabotaging Effort means that you are TRYING to get better! You are trying – you are really trying. But then one thing or the other happens again; you go back to square one – It is actually in you!

    And so we call it ‘Self Sabotaging Effort’.

    And it stems from your thought! Something you say! Something you do!

    Remember I told us earlier, your Soul place is the Mind; is the thoughts! And the need to be conscious of your thoughts.

    “… THINK about what you are thinking ABOUT”.

    If you say to yourself; Ok, so what am I thinking about right now? Oh! This is what am thinking. So, this thing am thinking now, is it okay?

    Because you realize, by the time you allow the thoughts to go on, you yourself will go and ACT it out or you can control it.

    Don’t self sabotage, stop using negative terms to describe yourself. Stop the negative thoughts.

    5. The next one is, USE YOUR PAIN (2ce).

    I said to you earlier: “if you don’t deal with your PAIN, it’s going to deal with you”.

    Your Mental Capacity, your ability to work alright; or to be whole, is because you are learning to manage ‘you’ as a whole – Use your PAIN!

    As many people who have learnt to use whatever they have gone through, positively to help other people; it’s amazing how their own speed of recovery goes on.

    … And of course am going to say this to you: which is the next one, anyway!

    6. GET THERAPY – Get to see a professional counselor

    There are some issues, sincerely speaking that you need, probably a Professional Christian Therapist.

    Get a Professional Therapist who can help you align your thoughts with your Spirit and your behaviour – the three (3) of them has their own places.

    I had posted online recently about how: “It’s amazing how many of us wants to get help alone, in our bedroom.”

    But you see, God didn’t create us alone; God wanted us to have relationship. And that could be one of the reason why you are still struggling, you refuse to seek help.

    I know Some of us as so untrusting, you don’t want to talk to anybody.

    The only reason you are still struggling, is because you are isolating yourself.

    You need not to isolate yourself anymore. If the people around you cannot help you; go in for Professional Help!

    … And of course, the last Point in that is;

    7. Forgive yourself (2ce) and Forgive the people who had messed you up.

    Forgive the people who had made you to become a shadow of yourself. Forgive yourself for allowing them!

    Because in some cases, you are even bitter with yourself because you felt – “I went to meet him by myself: I let him do this to me, I let him do that to me!”

    Forgive yourself, Forgive them, and of course, Forgive God.

    Yes! Some of us are holding grudges against God. I also did, for several years – remember that I told you that.

    … But does it stop Him from being God?

    No,He is still God!

    Ok, quick summary of this, is that: For you to have Emotional or Mental Wellness, there are four (4) major ‘S’ that I used – which am going to just use to summarize everything, that I had explained today.

    To deal with Depression and maintain solid Emotional Wellness, I used Four (4) Principles – I call them the four (4) “S”.

    1. The first ‘S’ is – SHARE Your Story.

    So you find me almost everywhere I had to Speak or Share.

    I keep telling a part of my Story. Because the importance of your story is the fact that you are letting it loose. And it is no longer controlling you!

    As much as you keep your Story to yourself; it still controls you. So share your story! Speak to someone!

    2. The second ‘S’ is what I call – SEEK Connections!

    The Human Capacity is often distorted because we stay in Isolation.

    Seek Connection!

    Connection is what God has created us for. And that is one of the reasons why we can thrive.

    If you find yourself going through Loneliness, Emotional Pain, Anxiety, or what we call Panic Attack’ – your heart is just beating speedily;

    Please get connected with friends, families. Call People up – People you have not called nor spoken to in a long time.

    Maybe after Service today, call them up!

    Chat up somebody. Social Media had become (I don’t know!) It has disconnected us! That is just the word.

    Okay? Some of us have brothers and sisters you have not called in years! You have been chatting on WhatsApp. Please, CONNECT with people! Arrange a visit.

    Physical Connection helps your Emotional Wellness; TOUCH, helps your Emotional Wellness. – So SEEK connection, okay!

    … And I also mean, SEEK HELP, anyway – let people know something is wrong.

    3. Of course, the third ‘S’ is SELF CARE.

    Am so particular about SELF Care!

    Most of my people (even at ADI) they know that. They will say: Oh, Mama SELF CARE.

    Am so particular about Self Care because the truth is this, when your Physical body – remember I explained to us, it’s Body, Spirit and Soul. Right?

    The moment your Physical body is weak; or your Spirit man is weak, your Soul man would also be WEAK!

    … I don’t know if you get that!

    So you need the three (3) of them to be strong. And that is why I explained to us that, over the years we have been laying so much emphasis on the Physical and the Spiritual.

    Now we need to look into your MENTAL – into your MIND.

    So the emphasis is: for you to even be ok Mentally. Your Physical body has to be ok. Your Spiritual man has to be ok too.

    Do Self Care – take care of ‘Yourself!”

    You can’t love others if you have not loved ‘yourself’.

    Yes, the whole world needs you, we agree! Everybody needs you, yes!

    But they need you alive, first. Before they can even need you at all.

    Take a Break! Deliberately do what we call “SELF Indulgence- SELF love”.

    This is October, right? How many of us here have gone on Vacation this Year? This is October! The year is running to an end already – Take a Break.

    A Vacation necessarily does not have to be something big or huge: just a break and sleep well – Sleep!

    I can’t tell you the Place of sleep. See, even for Mental illness, those whom we now see displaying Mental Illness, Oftentimes, what breaks them down to that point, is lack of sleep.

    Psychology tells us, that if you loose your sleep consistently for seventy two (72) hours – like three (3) days you have not slept, you are likely to have a Mental Breakdown!

    And so, it’s sad for me when some of us are still boasting in: “I don’t get to sleep”. And you take that as a pride?

    Some of us are still priding in, you know, I sleep just three (3) hours in a day.

    … Oh my Goodness!

    Please, average sleep is seven (7) hours for an adult- Sleep WELL, if you can sleep!

    … Sleep well! That is my emphasis. And stay active – Exercise, Dance and do a lot of dancing.

    I teach a lot of my clients to do Dance therapy and I encourage people to dance a lot.

    You are driving in your car, just put some Music and dance.

    Do you know what you are doing? – You are pumping an Hormone called Serotonin”.

    The Serotonin Hormone is what is also called, the Happiness Hormone.

    Even when you are feeling down, depressed, when you dance, it kind of just makes you smile for no reason.

    And when you are in that state, the Mind takes the message that “If you are dancing, that means everything is ok – Even when nothing is ok!

    So please, engage in dance.

    A recent research came out and told us that the couples who dance together, stay longer together.

    They told us also, that the individual who dance, live longer!

    So, you see the benefit of dancing?

    And it doesn’t have to be a rigorous one! – Just move your body, in a rhythm.

    Everybody move it. OK!

    Can you see you are smiling already, for no reason – Alright!

    And I say, please REDUCE STRESS.

    … Am emphasizing that: PLEASE REDUCE STRESS.

    4. And the last of them (at which Point I will drop the Mic this morning) is STAY CONNECTED TO GOD. – That’s the fourth (4th) ‘S’!

    I told you, I operate with four (4) ‘S’. The last one is STAY CONNECTED TO GOD.

    The Yoruba people will say: “the river which forget its Source, will dry up!”

    That was why the song that young boy was singing, was so touchy for me. Because every time I remember that if not for Jesus who stepped in and rescued me, I was going to self destruction.

    … Stay connected to God!

    The Enemy will do everything; and I repeat – everything to rob you of your confidence in God.

    The Bible says; he robs us of our confidence in God!

    He makes you keep thinking: you are not good enough; you can’t be standing in front of God – you this messed up thing! Can’t you see how dirty you are? Can’t you see your garment is stained?

    He keeps giving you all of those bags. But keep telling him back – the fact that I messed up does not stop me from bearing my Father’s Name. The Blood of my Father runs in my vein!

    So the prodigal son went away; he remembered he is still the son of that man. So even if the enemies come to tell you whatever; you are still a “CHILD OF GOD”.

    Say: “I AM A CHILD OF GOD!” And the enemy cannot rob me of my Right!

    … STAY Connected to God!

    For you to STAY CONNECTED to God, there is a place of the HOLY SPIRIT.

    And on that note, am explaining this to you. Because remember, the Trinity – the God fold is also Three (3): God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit.

    And this is the way I represent it: God the Son (Jesus) was the One who came in the flesh – the BODY.

    … The BODY – Jesus!

    God the Father is the One who represents the Spirit – (His breathe) your SPIRIT MAN;

    And then God the Holy Spirit is the One who represents our MIND (our thoughts).

    He is the called the Greatest Counsellor – the One who teaches and speaks in our thoughts!

    Jesus said, He will come to remind you all things.

    Who reminds you? Your head, your brain – the Holy Spirit!

    He tells you how Powerful God is about this. And that everything about the Church today, is cleaved to the Holy Spirit. He is that still gentle voice!

    And so am leaving us with that; even as we end this Session. Just bow your head and sing this song with me.

    I want you to connect with Him right now. Because beyond everything I have said to us this morning; only Him can help you. Only Him can teach you beyond everything I have said. Only Him can be the Source.

    So take this Song with me:

    SONG:

    Holy Spirit moving now,
    Make my life whole again
    Spirit move over me
    Spirit move over me.

    I want you to quickly just talk to the Holy Spirit, and ask Him to come in afresh into your life.

    I cannot over-emphasis the Place of the Holy Spirit for you. He was the One who helped me, even when I kept falling. Even when I gave my life to Christ, and I said I was Born Again; and I kept having struggles again, the Holy Spirit kept holding me up!

    He kept reminding me all Truth. He kept bringing Scriptures to me that ruled my thoughts. He kept telling me, reminding me.

    Talk to Him right now. And I can assure you; He would help you. The Holy Spirit can do what no man can do. The Holy Spirit can give you Strength to go through every stress you are carrying. The Holy Spirit can step in to do the Miraculous for you.

    Sweet Holy Spirit, we are coming to You today, we have come again to acknowledge that You are the One who represents our thought, our mind. Come in and help us.

    Come in and Help us!

    Thank You Sweet Holy Spirit. Thank You Father!

    I don’t know who you are, but God said He has heard your cry. He said you have been crying to Him for a long time; over your Marital struggle. You couldn’t share it with anybody.

    He said, with everything you have heard today; He said I should tell you that He has you in mind. But He needs you to speak out. He wants you to know that He is in that struggle with you.

    Thank You Sweet Holy Spirit (2ce)!

    And there is someone also; in your workplace, you are going through a lot of stress right now. You are going through a lot of stress – it is giving you depression, in your own way.

    He said I should also remind you what we have discussed today: that you should “SPEAK OUT” and “SEEK HELP” because He has made help available for you.

    He said He has made help readily available to you. But need you to go out and take the help available.

    Thank You Sweet Holy Spirit (3ce)!

    And of course, there are some of us here, who, you know you are not even connected to God at all. You know you are not even connected. Your heart is just bleeding!

    You know you are not connected; you can’t even flow in Prayers anymore!

    Talk to Him right now: He is healing us. He says the Healing Balm is in the house – Tell Him!

    You will be shocked, by the time you get home tonight, about the vibrancy at which your Prayer life will increase.

    …Talk to Him right now.

    Thank You Jesus!

    CLOSING PRAYER:

    And so Father, we give You Thanks; We give You Worship, we give You Honour and Adoration. Thank You for everything You have done for us today;

    For the Lessons, for the Learning, for the Healing, for the Restoration. We give You Praise, Lord!

    In Jesus’ Mighty Name we have Prayed – Amen.

    Somebody shout a Big Hallelujah – Hallelujah!

    EDITORIAL NOTE:

    … What a Great Session with our Counsellor – Dr Timi – A Great Counsellor of People that has experienced Trauma, Abuse, Marriage Counsellor etc.

    You will get to be reading a Dedicated Column of Dr Timi’s Messages on our DMC Websites on: www.discoveeymediacrew.com.

    Also you can get to invite her to your Churches, Seminars and Conference if you reach out to us @ DMC!

    … Discovery Media Crew, Reaching out to the world through the Power of the Gospel!!!

    COMPILATIONS BY

    MOSES DURODOLA AND TITILAYOMI AJAYI

    © DMC 2019

  • EPISODE 4: JOURNEY / STEPS TO RECOVERY.

    EPISODE 4: JOURNEY / STEPS TO RECOVERY.

    COUNSELLING SESSION WITH DR TIMI OYEBODE @ RCCG AREA 27, PROVINCE 44; SISTER FELLOWSHIP UNDER THE THEME: RECOVERY FROM EMOTIONAL ABUSE, TRAUMA AND LOW SELF ESTEEM

    1. The first thing you can do on this Journey of Recovery is to first of all IDENTIFY & DETACH YOURSELF from the pain you are going through.

    … Your PAIN doesn’t define you! – it doesn’t.

    Oh! So your Marriage is not happy? Does that make you an unhappy person? – NO!

    Oh! Because the man does not love you or is not acting good to you, does that make you a bad person? – NO.

    Oh! Does it make you less Spiritual? – NO.

    “Your Pain doesn’t define you; it is your words that defines you”. And you have to define yourself. You are who you say you are!

    I have shared my story in a lot of places; I have gone within and outside the Country to share my experience.

    I have had Press Guys come over and say: Ok, Interview Sessions and they say ‘Madam: So you were a Lesbian?’ Or ‘you are a Lesbian’.

    And I say to them – NO; ‘I struggled with Lesbianism, I struggled with Masturbation – My struggle with sexual challenge doesn’t make me one!

    “… I am NOT my Struggle!” You are not your struggle too!

    2. And you need to stand in that space of SELF IDENTITY – See it the way God sees you.

    … That’s a good step step to Recovery.

    And the only way you can do that, is to search the Scriptures; you need to search the Scriptures: So “What is God saying about me?”.

    During my Journey of Healing, I had this big exercise book, and I was writing everywhere I saw in the Scripture starting with: “I love you!”.

    In fact, if you see that, you will be amazed:

    I started writing out from Genesis to Revelation; everywhere God used direct Word of: ‘I Love you’.

    From there, I started taking them literally..

    Isaiah 43:1; stands with me all the time; oh! Isaiah 60:3. (Let’s check it, to understand what am saying. You need to have an Identity.

    “But now thus saith the LORD that created thee, O Jacob, and he that formed thee, O Israel, Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by thy name; thou art mine.”

    When God has called us; another Version says “because I have LOVED you”.

    Before any of the mess we ever found ourselves: God loved us!

    One thing that the enemy wants us to believe, over the years is that: “God doesn’t care about our feelings” – No, He cares!

    You know why I know?

    Because if you now look at this Recovery Journey you will see what it means; because at the end of the journey, the Focus is always that “YOUR PAIN IS NOT YOURS’.

    Jesus didn’t go to the Cross to save Himself. Jesus didn’t experience the pain to liberate Himself – He was already liberated!

    Jesus went through the pain because of You and I.

    You are going through your pain: whether Marital, Emotional, Financial, Physical Pains.

    Whatever form of Pains you are going through: it is not because of you, it is because of someone else – That is the dynamism of God!

    I don’t know why He does it, I don’t know how He does is; but that is how He does His things! – He may makes you GO THROUGH IT.

    A woman was explaining to me recently, her passion for Widows. And then one day finally, she got a call, and her husband is dead!

    She started crying and God said: “I saw that you are not taking that thing seriously; so you need to FEEL the Pains!”

    … And that is why am telling you; you see, there are some things that you cannot question.

    She said God told her: ‘So that you can feel the Pains of those people I have called you to help’.

    Your experience in life is for you to feel the Pains!

    So if you refuse to feel the Pains; if you start deadening that Pain – if you keep saying ‘it didn’t happen’; it doesn’t matter, it didn’t happen!

    Whatever you have been through; the more you deaden it; eh! The more you are neglecting an Assignment God has called you into.

    So pick up your Pains again; open those wounds – let us start cleaning them afresh!

    And then the second one; Always, and that is why I said: ‘TAKE UP YOUR PAIN AGAIN!’

    What do you do with it?

    Track your first experience: when was the first time this thing ever happened to you?

    Oh! Someone is Abusive; they are abusing the person, they keep abusing you.

    When was the first time you can remember in your life that someone used negative words on you? Because that line was what informed you!

    3. GRIEVE YOUR LOSS: That’s another thing to do!

    Every abuse, everything in our Path takes something from us: whether it is our Abusive Marriage – it’s bad, it’s painful!

    You have every right to cry over it. Don’t let someone tell you: ‘Your pain is too small’.

    4. Identify the Negative Thoughts and Self Sabotaging Statements.

    And that is why I said: ‘you are not your Struggle’.

    Don’t join the world to say: You know ‘am addicted to Pornography’.

    Who says? It is a struggle – a struggle is NOT YOU, okay?

    … So please don’t use those words to define you.

    5. FORGIVE YOUR ABUSERS (that’s another step).

    Forgive your Abusers, forgive yourself!

    Because that is why some of us feel ‘I caused it’. Or you were told!

    Like a woman told me her own experience; she is an adult who has gone to look for a house. She has gotten Agents to take her; and they told her they have found the house. They took her to the house and they entered the house.

    And while she was still looking around in the room, the man pushed her down on the floor there and raped her.

    Yes! She was saying: I was not raped at age fifteen (15) to twenty (20). A thirty (30) something years old woman!

    She said, maybe I should have not gone alone; maybe I should have called somebody – Self Blame!

    Many of us are good at that – you start blaming yourself.

    But I have come to tell you today; it doesn’t matter if you think you are at fault.

    No! Because they are some Forces that were working against you – that was not even in your control.

    It could be your unconscious mind attracting it; it could be that the situations around you that are actually attracting it.

    …. It has nothing to do with you directly.

    So I want you to drop the template today. Say: I am not at fault. I am not my Abuser, I didn’t make my Abuser do what he did to me. That is God’s own Daughter!

    6. DRAG YOUR TRIGGERS – that’s another thing!

    At what point do you usually feel that sadness? At what point do you usually know that ‘I feel worthless?’ Is it when they talk to you anyhow? What is it exactly that makes you know you are feeling that pain again?

    7. ACCOUNTABILITY: And of course get Accountability!

    What that means is that you can’t get your Recovery alone; you can’t go on the journey of Recovery alone.

    When myself and Pastor (Mrs) were talking the other time, explaining how some of us feel like; ‘I don’t need to talk to somebody’. God didn’t direct us in isolation: there is a Place of expressing and sharing your pains.

    But the reality is this: You cannot afford to share your own with just anybody. And that is the reality.

    Because if they don’t use it against you (and that is another big trauma again all over) okay?

    And that is why now you need to know that there are helps available; there are Professional Counsellors available.

    I have chosen the Path of Counselling; I took that Path when God called me years ago. And I had to go into School to start learning it afresh! I left what I studied initially, to go and start studying about human mind and how to help people heal -because my Call is Healing.

    And there are so many people like myself; and not just me. But you need to find them, you need to get out of your comfort space and look for help. You need to get helped!

    … Do you get my pont? And that’s it!

    8. And then LEARN TO RISE AND FALL AGAIN: Your recovery is not Automatic.

    And that is why I explained to us earlier, I said: “Salvation is instantaneous, but Healing (Recovery) is a PROCESS”.

    So you might find yourself fumbling again. And then you just find yourself in that Place where you are unhappy – it seems am unhappy again!

    But you just need to say to yourself NO! My happiness is in my hands. I determine what happens to me. It doesn’t matter what am seeing: I just have to focus on myself and get my happiness from within.

    9. CONFRONT YOUR FEARS please! That’s another thing.

    How do you respond to the things you are afraid of? Because most of the times your fears happen to you.

    … Job said: “the things I feared most have befallen me!”

    If you are afraid that your Marriage will crush; sorry it will clash.

    But if you stand up and say that even if this is my reality; even if it is the things I see;

    He says, beyond what we see, is what we believed.

    That is why I say to us, the Body, the Spirit and the Soul – the threw (3) of them are important!

    So we are not moved; we are not humans by what we see alone!

    So if my reality is saying this, I just need to get helped; and I need to stand on the ground that I know this, and that this is what I have. And you will get what you want.

    But if you allow your fears take over (and some of us are in that space). Some of us are not even married: we have seen young Ladies who say, their Marriage will break – before they get married (you have not even seen the husband).

    … Confront your fears!

    And of course like always say, the last:

    10. Use your PAIN to HEAL other people (repeatedly)

    Healing is your choice!

    That is what I have come to say to you today.

    I can’t teach you how to get healed on the spot but I can say to you: There is a Healer. And I can say to you there is a Balm in Gilead!

    If God could heal me, if God could forgive me to stand before you today: remember I told you earlier “Am not better than anyone of us”.

    I am the same with you in so many ways; but our Journey might differ. Your experience could be worse than me.

    But if I can stand today, and still show my face among Christians and say ‘I am a child of God’.

    It doesn’t matter what you have faced, God has a Purpose for your Pains!

    I want us to get up on your feet; put your hand on your chest quickly.

    … Don’t worry, I will still take questions. We will still go into the Questions and Answer Section.

    … What a Great Session with our Counsellor – Dr Timi – A Great Counsellor of People that has experienced Trauma, Abuse, Marriage Counsellor etc.

    You will get to be reading a Dedicated Column of Dr Timi’s Messages on our DMC Websites on: www.discoveeymediacrew.com.

    Also you can get to invite her to your Churches, Seminars and Conference – All you need do is to reach out to us @ DMC!

    … Discovery Media Crew, Reaching out to the world through the Power of the Gospel!!!

    COMPILATIONS BY

    MOSES DURODOLA AND TITILAYOMI AJAYI

    © DMC 2019

  • EPISODE 3: ABUSE IS TRANSGENERATIONAL

    EPISODE 3: ABUSE IS TRANSGENERATIONAL

    COUNSELLING SESSION WITH DR TIMI OYEBODE @ RCCG AREA 27, PROVINCE 44 SISTERS FELLOWSHIP UNDER THE THEME: RECOVERY FROM EMOTIONAL ABUSE, TRAUMA AND LOW SELF ESTEEM

    Abuse is transgenerational. You didn’t deal with it, you think you have moved on? Then it goes on again to your kids.

    And you see, most of our parents; some of you will remember the struggles they fought with you before you married the man you married; or even when you were having relationships.

    Some of us would even say: if not for the way my mother was behaving, I won’t have married this man I married. Because maybe the pressure they were putting on you was so much. And the next available man you met proposing marriage, you just hopped on!

    Yet the truth is this; you might need to ask your Mum and find out what her own story was. That is how her own story was, usually! And that is why you need to deal with your own Pains… so you also do not pass it on to your kids.

    You can’t sweep it under the carpet, you can’t deal with it the way your parents dealt with theirs. How did they deal with it? They would rather call you and be telling you ‘You will just get pregnant’; your life will just scatter,

    As in; they wanted to prevent you from making the mistakes they made. But unfortunately, they are actually tickling your brain to go ahead and make the mistakes – and that is why many of us make the same mistakes.

    Another funny way to see it also, is when you say: ‘I don’t want to marry a man like my father’.

    What usually happens; the woman marries the man, even worse than than her father.

    It is sad really… that it is a Generational Link of Abuse. And that is why we need to nib it! We need to get to a point where we deliberately own up and speak out!

    It is amazing, many times when I meet women; some would go on to say that they want to tell me something they had never shared before.

    I met a Lady recently, she was telling me her story: she said she knew that when she was a young girl, she had this thing with their house girl. And that they did it even to her when she was in Secondary School.

    That even when she was in Secondary school, she remembered that she now still had sexual encounter with other girls. That she thought that it has gone!

    But now that she is married, it’s ok, she is not having the urged. But the thought keeps coming to her.

    And I asked her: ‘so what did you do?’ She said, I thought it was gone!

    I said, No! The pain of abuse doesn’t go. You have to deal with it! You have to DEAL with you!

    I am standing in front of you, and so I want to say to you ‘that if I can stand in front of you; if I can be a product of Rape and healed, you also can be’.

    I was abused; my first encounter with sex was when I was age seven (7), okay? And in my house! In my house, a pastor’s lodge. It is a family full of Pastors.

    Most of my Abusers (all my life) were Christians and Pastors. They were not Lay People; they were not ordinary Fellowship Members, they were Leaders in the Church!

    And so I understand the place of the Abused; even as a young girl, begging and pleading with a Man of God, and the Man of God is telling you ‘I carry Grace, don’t worry my own Grace has forgiven you’: as in forgiveness is from me over to you.

    Another place, if you sitting in the congregation and the person is coming to Minister; and all you are thinking of is what is going to happen tonight again? And all of that!

    And it got to a point I remembered begging God and pleading with God; in fact I remember nights of going naked, saying ‘God if You exist, just make him not to come’. Because he will come again! It was terrifying!

    The wife is there, even in the same house, and I will be begging him: ‘do you know your wife is in the…. (It doesn’t work!)

    And then, I remembered going to school, with these terrible experiences (and remember am still talking about the Generational Circle of Abuse). Even in school, I had male teachers who were exploitative too – you see, a victim of abuse is an easy target for the next pedophile…. once an Abuse has occurred, if not dealt with, it becomes a pattern!

    The moment there is a continued Circle of Abuse, it keeps repeating itself…; and that is why some are still in marriages, and the Abuse is continuing – Because you have not dealt with that Abuse (with that Pain)!

    That is why it is continuing; because everywhere you get to, you are carrying it on your forehead already: Victim, Victim, Victim!

    And so Abusers, automatically pick on you easily!

    They know you are struggling with LOW SELF ESTEEM: They know you don’t have what it takes to defend yourself. They know how you feel already – I don’t have anybody to defend me! And that is why it’s easy to pick on you.

    But I remember in my story, I moved on!

    I remember the first time I tried taking my life, I think I was roughly fifteen (15) Years old at that time. I couldn’t take it anymore! I felt, I just need to end it all. But yet, I didn’t die!

    I tried again when I was a bit older – I think at that time I was about leaving school. I still remember the experience wherein I had this mature boyfriend and I thought:

    Because a friend was telling me ‘Tell this guy, he is older, he can help you out to put a stop to the abuse going on with my Guardian and all of that’.

    And then, the guy too had reacted and said; oh, I thought I was keeping you for myself, I didn’t know somebody has been touching you… So he raped me in his room there! And still I had to pack myself and come out.

    And I still remember my friend going there to fight for me. And I will never forget how I was crying and sobbing that day. And my friend was hugging me and begging me. And telling me ‘it is going to be fine’.

    And I kept saying ‘it’s not going to be fine; nothing is going to be fine – am just messed up, am just terrible’. And we started kissing.

    … And that began my journey to Lesbianism! And that was a Journey for several years again.

    The journey – a life of hell, a life of frustration; where you have secrets that you dare not let people know that you are struggling with this!

    ADDICTION: I knew what it meant, struggling with masturbation, struggling with Porn, struggling with things that you can’t really share…

    A woman sent me a message recently: She has been married for years. But she realised she doesn’t get any interest in sex except she masturbates! And so the struggle continues.

    I remember up till the point when I left Christianity, when I left the Church. When I decided I didn’t want to have anything to do with God again. When I decided that God doesn’t love me, so I won’t love Him. I want to be!

    And I started living my life the way I thought was best for me. That is what Abuse can do!

    … ABUSE is one of the things that birth ADDICTIONS!

    You are wondering, how come you are struggling with Masturbation, You are wondering? You are wondering how come you can’t do without watching Porn?

    It is because your mind has been wounded. There is a wound inside of you. And the way the body is wired – we are not wired to stay in the Place of Pains!

    So the moment you are in that Place of Pain, your body and your mind will automatically be looking for relieve;

    And so if you find relieve through any of these behaviours, you adopt that behaviour. It’s the continuity of that behaviour we now call ADDICTION – because that behaviour begins to control you.

    But this is what we are saying, that all of it: whether you are a victim of ABUSE, going on to give you TRAUMA (that is inner wound). And then going on to form ADDICTION in your life that you are struggling with LOW SELF ESTEEM!

    A husband told me about his wife – he said, my wife masturbate in her sleep. I said, are you monitoring her in her sleep?

    But the reality is this: the more acting out your ADDICTION is; the more acting out your PAIN is – you act out your pain! Just that we have to act it out in different ways;

    Some people act out their Pains by picking an ADDICTION (a behaviour)!

    Some people act out their Pains in anger, by being angry. – Okay?

    When you see a young girl, who, probably gets pregnant today (and she is not married); and so you are expecting that she should know better. And before you know it, she has taken in again the next year- Acting out!

    And I have come to let you know, that God has heard your cry – Amen!

    God heard my cry repeatedly; even when I didn’t know He was listening. Even when I have searched and concluded that God doesn’t listen. Even when I have searched and concluded that God picks the people He liked – He knows how to attend to the people He loves, and even when we feel He has abandoned us… He is there!

    Even at that time, God was still saying: “I am there!”

    In your Pain, He is there.!

    He is the reason why that thing that happened didn’t take your life:

    You were raped, abi?

    Some other Girls were raped; some women were raped and they died – Do you know that?

    Oh, you had Abortion, abi? Oh! Some people had abortions, and they DIED.

    Which one is yours?

    Oh, you suffered abi?

    You were on the streets; your father didn’t care for you, your parents sent you out. You ended up being on the road.

    Some people ended up on the road; the same day they ended up on the road; a car hit them and they died!

    Some once street, a car did not hit them, but the Police arrested them with vagabonds for loitering- they ended up in prisons!

    You need to know what other people are going through; you need to know no matter how bad your case was – God was there with you; God was the one that didn’t make it bad than how bad it was!

    That was my reality; that was the point I had to come into: I can’t tell you the whole of my life story today (because time will not allow me).

    But I want you to know that if I can; if God can pick me out of the mess of my life, and began to reform me, and began to give me the Assignment of taking His Healings to His Own daughters; then He has a Purpose for your being!

    But unfortunately, except you stand up to it, except you decide and say ‘Enough is Enough!

    Except you say to yourself ‘No more pity; enough of sitting down and lamenting in the situation I have found myself. Enough is Enough!

    … What a Great Session with our Counsellor – Dr Timi – A Great Counsellor of People that has experienced Trauma, Abuse, Marriage Counsellor etc.

    You will get to be reading a Dedicated Column of Dr Timi’s Messages on our DMC Websites on: www.discoveeymediacrew.com.

    Also you can get to invite her to your Churches, Seminars and Conference – All you need do is to reach out to us @ DMC!

    … Discovery Media Crew, Reaching out to the world through the Power of the Gospel!!!

    COMPILATIONS BY

    MOSES DURODOLA AND TITILAYOMI AJAYI

    © DMC 2019

  • EPISODE 2: ADVERSED CHILDHOOD EXPERIENCES (ACE)

    EPISODE 2: ADVERSED CHILDHOOD EXPERIENCES (ACE)

    COUNSELLING SESSION WITH DR TIMI OYEBODE @ RCCG AREA 27, PROVINCE 44 UNDER THE THEME: RECOVERY FROM EMOTIONAL ABUSE, TRAUMA AND LOW SELF ESTEEM

    Do you know also that research even tells us that experiences we had as children ends up affecting us even as Adults?

    There is something we call ACE – ADVERSED CHILDHOOD EXPERIENCES.

    ADVERSED CHILDHOOD EXPERIENCES (ACE) says: “If you have ever encountered any of these Traumatic Experiences as a child; your brain will computerize it – your brain will store it”. And it will have effects even in Adulthood.

    For example, if you were ever ABUSED as a child – whether sexual, physical, emotional or whatever – it did not go away with your childhood as you think.

    You might think, oh am an adult now so that means, it’s gone; it’s not there – It’s still very much there!

    If you ever lost a parent as a child – maybe you had to live with a single parent. Or maybe your parents died, you had to live as an orphan; it has its own place for you, even as an adult.

    If you ever were abandoned or had a sense of abandonment, or neglect from parents or caregivers. It has a place for you as an adult.

    Not just its place; in fact research has shown us, not just what you will be doing; if I meet with you now, you tell me some of your challenges – I probably will tell you your experience as a child. It’s that serious now!

    I can tell you; if you experience this as a child, you are likely to experience it as an adult.

    For example, if you were a victim of Sexual Abuse as a child; you are likely to experience suicidal thoughts, You are likely to even have what we call: ‘A Feeble feel of God’.

    And usually what causes that: is because ‘our Sexuality is synonymous to our identity.’

    And so many times when you were violated, there is a tendency for you to then believe as you grow up, ‘that means my body is nothing’; there’s nothing good in me. And unconsciously you keep on repeating that psycho like idea to yourself.

    Sexuality is expression of our inner self. And that is why it’s a big deal, when we come into the space of Trauma as we begin to explain what Trauma means;

    TRAUMA simply means “An inner wound”.

    It is a wound that is very deep – deep inside of our consciousness – It’s there!

    In fact, i always explain that emotional pain is as painful as physical pain…; Ok let me give this example again; that if you hit your leg or have a cut: and you decide that, oh this my cut, would heal on its own – it will go! Deep wound, and you decide to cover it. What happens?

    Yes, you have covered it successfully; but not long later – it’s either it makes you handicap (you start leaping); two, it starts stinking.

    And many times, I look at some women, and I would say to them, ‘You are stinking!” – Not body odour; but your ‘wound’ is stinking.

    You thought you have buried it, you thought you have dealt with it; but you find yourself struggling with anger issues – Your wound is stinking!

    You find yourself struggling with self-esteem; your wound is stinking!

    It’s there! You didn’t let it heal; you covered it up. ‘moved on’, like many of us say!

    And I have come here to let you know today, ‘that time does not heal wound’.

    It’s a myth. Time doesn’t heal emotional wounds! It may cover it up… but that’s just for a while.

    Oh, it happened years ago; so so and so have moved on! The mind has mastered it; your consciousnesses has taken it in, and it’s there in your Programming.

    That is why you find out that you act in some ways, in some places and you are shocked!

    Even you yourself is like, I didn’t expect I will do that. But there is an inner anger that makes you do those things; even when you least expect.

    And that is why today, I want us to become deliberate about our Pains, about our Pasts, about our Abuses – particularly Abuse!

    Abuse is one of the major lead to Traumas.

    WHAT DO WE CALL ABUSE?

    Abuse simply means – “The Misuse of a thing” –

    When something is not used the way it should be used; then an Abuse has occurred!

    If am married, my husband and I are supposed to be one before God, right? The moment there is a third person or sense of somebody else; that means an ABUSE has occurred.

    Are you getting me now?

    So Abuse is not only what you think an Abuse is. Abuse is the moment something is been misused!

    The Purpose of this Union is this; and when the Purpose is forfeited – it’s not working out that way, then an Abuse has occurred.

    Abuse goes down, even farther down to when we were children. So many times when I ask women, ‘if you were abused as a child?’ The responses are sad!

    Some doesn’t even understand what abuse means nor sure if they should referred to what happened to them as abuse. Because of the things that happened to them; some even thought it is normal.

    Oh, some people say ‘but there was no penetration!’ And since they didn’t penetrate, it means I was not abused – since you did marry me as a Virgin – It doesn’t matter!

    I had a young Bride who had come into a Session, because the husband and her had been married for Months and they couldn’t have sex; and they had been referred to come over for a Sex Therapy.

    And in the Session, this woman, ok! Were you ever abused?

    She said, No ooo!

    Did anything ever happen to you? – No ooo!

    Did you see somebody being raped? – No ooo!

    Were you raped? – No ooo!

    Ok, so what gets you frigid?

    She couldn’t place it!

    Until We had to do a ‘Mindfulness Exercise’ for her.

    The ‘Mindfulness Exercise’ was able to bring her back to her childhood; and then she remembered!

    When she was around the age of eight (8) and nine (9) (there about); they had their Dad’s driver living in their Boys quarters.

    She said herself and her younger brother (about seven (7) years old brother) usually go to peep when this man is watching a movie in his apartment. And so on this particular day, they had gone there as usual.

    And as they were peeping (watching what he was watching through his window) the man saw them. When the man saw them, the man came out and called them over; that ‘you these little children, you want to see abi?’ Why are hiding? Come inside!

    He had dragged them into his room, sat them down, and made them to face the screen: he was watching ‘Blue Film’ – Pure Blue film! Orgy and everything you can imagine, in there!

    And the Lady said she can even recollect that some of the scenes could be so disgusting; that you know as a child, they tryed to remove their face. And the man will push their face, and say ‘Sebi you want to see? Be looking; you must see ooo!’

    … And that was it! That was it; just been made to see Exotic Pornographic video, Abused her psyche about sex! And affected her, over twenty (20) years later – in marriage!

    Now you see what I mean; when I say that ‘It is not only Penetrative sex that is an Abuse’.

    Abuse is also when you show phonographic pictures to children or to anyone. Or when someone feels uncomfortable!

    A young Lady shared her own experience also: Her family had people come from the village to work for her Dad. Her Dad has a workshop, and all of that!

    So she had some of these people who had come from the village to work with them! And so she said, overtime, one of them, she just noticed that as she is passing (she was a young girl); she said she was probably twelve (12) or thirteen (13) years of age when these happened.

    And as she was passing, this guy will just flash her; flash here means he is actually naked: wears an overall, and waits at the corner for her, and suddenly just removes the overall – so that she could see his erected Penis.

    He didn’t touch her, remember? He even stayed far from her! Of course, other times he doesn’t do that, their eyes catches, he signals to her like ‘you and I know something other people don’t know’.

    She said it kept on going till the day she couldn’t take it anymore; she went to tell her Mum that ‘this uncle, he will just suddenly remove his trousers’. He will just suddenly open his chest! You know, he was doing things like that to her!

    And the Mum in response, said ‘Eh!’ Instead of attacking the man, she attacked her (the daughter); the man went on to teach her the lesson of her life, so that when she sees sex, she would run! And so she did that for years!

    The Mum put pepper in her virgina, the Mum flogged her, told her everything, that she should not be seeing a man – as if she was the one putting the man on the road – Abused!

    Many of us also have our own stories of Abused. I was a victim of Abuse myself! Many of us had it, too.

    And one Core thing, which I need us to understand is that: ‘you need to admit to yourself that something was done to you, that was wrong’.

    It is unfortunate how many of us take responsibility for our Abuse or justify the abuse: ‘see, am at fault, am sure I caused it’. And it will go on with you for years!

    In fact, mine was even bad, because one of my Abusers said my eyes were seducing him. I was a young girl of twelve (12) with a tiny body frame.

    Of course you can imagine how I was as a young child. I was very thin and tall, and just straight like that. Yet you are saying that this tiny girl’s eyes were seducing you.

    And so for years, I believed it! Even after the abuse had stopped. Even when I became an Adult; LOW SELF ESTEEM came in.

    … Because you feel like you are the one causing it. It is because you look at them, and your eyes pulled them to you.

    You see, ABUSE IS IN DIFFERENT FORMS: You need to admit that those things that happened to you, shouldn’t have happened. We need to admit that it had affected your psyche one way or the other.

    As a young girl in Primary school, I still remember I had one of my teachers picked on me; and nobody could do anything to stop it.

    … ABUSE – Psychological And Emotional Abuses!

    Many of us have gone through some of these things. And that is the Point am explaining.

    I know You have had these experiences, especially abuse… but then it had hold you down long enough.

    It’s time to rise above it all.!

    … What a Great Session with our Counsellor – Dr Timi – A Great Counsellor of People that has experienced Trauma, Abuse, Marriage Counsellor etc.

    You will get to be reading a Dedicated Column of Dr Timi’s Messages on our DMC Websites on: www.discoveeymediacrew.com.

    Also you can get to invite her to your Churches, Seminars and Conference – All you need do is to reach out to us @ DMC!

    … Discovery Media Crew, Reaching out to the world through the Power of the Gospel!!!

    COMPILATIONS BY

    MOSES DURODOLA AND TITILAYOMI AJAYI

  • EPISODE 1: RECOVERY FROM EMOTIONAL ABUSE (A CASE STUDY OF NABAL AND ABIGAIL)

    EPISODE 1: RECOVERY FROM EMOTIONAL ABUSE (A CASE STUDY OF NABAL AND ABIGAIL)

    COUNSELLING SESSION WITH DR TIMI OYEBODE @ RCCG AREA 27, PROVINCE 44; UNDER THE THEME: RECOVERY FROM EMOTIONAL ABUSE, TRAUMA AND LOW SELF ESTEEM

    BIBLE TEXT: 1 SAMUEL 25:2-42

    For this particular Meeting, the story God gave me for illustration is the story of Nabal and his wife.

    Do we know her? Do we remember that woman – the wife of Nabal? Who remembers her? – Let me hear her name – ABIGAIL!

    Thank You!

    You remember that story, of this woman (Abigail) who was married to this man (Nabal); who was so full of himself. This man was so arrogant, and so ready to risk the whole family’s life.

    The story had gone on and on; but let’s quickly just see – let me take some Scriptures right here and read it out to us. And then explain the story, and then we will go to the Full Session.

    1 SAMUEL 25:2-42 (please read through).

    I want you to pick some words specifically in this story; because you will be amazed that whatever it is that your journey is and your peculiarity is – it is there! It’s there in the Scriptures.

    Ok so here is a very beautiful woman Abigeal – Fantastic. The scripture says ‘She had good understanding’.

    Do you know what that means? For a woman to have good understanding?

    That means she is accommodating, enduring, amiable – She can be tolerant; highly tolerant!

    But when a tolerant woman gets into a Marriage with a hard man; it’s a tough deal really. Your patience level gets tested to the extreme – that you see yourself doing some things, If they told you when you were sixteen (16) Years old, you would probably say ‘I can never do this’.

    But now, you see yourself Years down the line that you become the ‘Margaret Thatcher’ that you thought you can never be. You see yourself fighting battles with your spouse and you are wondering: This is not me!

    Let’s check the story again, As at that time (please note) David was in trouble – David was running away from the people who wanted to kill him in his own kingdom. So he was a bit more like a ‘Vagabond’- okay?

    He had his own Soldiers who were going with him – but they lodged in different Places, they hanged around. And usually, because he is a Warrior, many times, communities have heard about him even before he arrives at their villages. They know about this displaced man or King who is so Powerful but running for his life.

    So if he comes asking for something, because they also understood his battles – that King Saul wanted him dead (that is the King of Israel), some people offer him their help as his team needs food and upkeep on their journey.

    So David was going around, without food. And he heard about this rich man – remember Nabal was a rich man! They said he had over three thousand (3,000) Sheep as at that time! So you see he was a very, very rich man.

    So David sent a Message: I have heard about this rich man, please you ten (10) guys go and meet him. Tell him that we are passing by, and we might need some food – Just a little!

    … Remember, Nabal lives in Prosperity!

    David was literally begging Nabal (as seen in our Text 1 Samuel 25:5-9). So when his men got to Nabal – according to all these words (in the name of David); and they waited!

    You can only imagine what Nabal said to them in return: “Who’s David? He dare sent you people to me? You all must be stupid.” You can only imagining what he would have actually said. (1 Samuel 25:10-13)

    Remember, David sent only ten (10) men earlier. Nabal could have given only the ten (10) of them food. And they would have been contented. And remember he said ‘on a Feast Day’: that means there was celebration going on, there was plenty of food going round.

    And so when David heard of Nabal’s insulting respond, he said to his people obviously in anger, …“come on guys, this man needs to be taught a lesson – a very good lesson!”

    David had been known, to teach arrogant communities hard lessons: they get in, they destroy a place, they take over, they conquer; and all that! – He is a Warrior, remember? He was angry and set to destroy Nabal.

    However, in 1 Samuel 25:14-17; we saw Nabal’s servant telling Abigail (the wife of Nabal): “Please know what you will do! You know your husband would not listen to any one! This man would get us all killed with his foolishness “

    You know when men, are asking you the wife: “who do you think can talk to your husband?” And they say, ‘he doesn’t listen to anybody’.

    … And immediately, Nabal comes to your mind again!

    If you are dealing with these kind of men, YOU ARE NOT ALONE: that is what I have come tell you today.

    If you are dealing with men who don’t listen to any other person. When you can’t say: Oh, this is the Person that can help us talk to him? – YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

    Nabal servants were the ones saying it; his people, close handyman were the people saying: ‘You know he will not listen to anybody’.

    Then Abigail (his wife) made haste to intercede for her family because David was determined to kill every single man he meets in Nabal’s house (1 Samuel 25:18-22).

    David was even cursing himself. You know when someone has put himself on a curse that “if I leave one single man in his house, by morning time…”

    … He has placed himself on a curse; that means he must do it. Yet Abigeal was able to stop him.

    There’s a Power that an understanding woman has!

    And that is why I keep saying; “That to every Fool, there is a Queen. And to every King, there is also a Queen”.

    Every single man; whether he is a stupid one or an intelligent one: there is a woman who just needs to understand how to manage him, how best to get him and how he works!

    In fact, we can only try to imagine how this woman (Abigail) had been living with Nabal – It shows indeed, that she is a “Woman of understanding”.

    … For her to have been able to stay that long with this man, it shows indeed that even if the world did not recognise it; even if the world did not count it something tangible: The reality stands, that this woman has sacrificed a lot, to live with this man.

    And so what did she do? (Read 1 Samuel 25:23-31)

    Can you see the power of understanding?

    She was toasting and begging David; dancing to and fro pleading ‘Please!’ In case those words did not work, she then tried to prevail on his emotions (his relationship with God)

    Telling him, ah! ‘So you will not have blood shed on your hands. Ah! So that this man (Nabal) will not make you commit more sins.’ And she was smart enough to request for help from this warrior,

    … “But when the LORD shall have dealt well with my lord, then REMEMBER thine handmaid.”

    Now, do you want to know?

    Not only did David listen to this woman; if you read on to verse 32-34; you will see how David blessed her. And thanked her for saving him from committing an offence.

    But you see, the amazing part was that after she had this encounter with David; she went back to her house (to that foolish husband of hers) – okay? And had continued her life.

    But something was going to happen; in as much as it seemed she was stuck there: she never knew when liberation will come! She never knew when she will be free from this foolish man that she is married to. She was determined to save this man and her household.

    She didn’t offer to say: ‘Man (David) I will go with you’.

    NO! She went back, even to her husband. She went back to that same house.

    Many would have thought like some people – ‘Why will she even go back?’

    She went back there, and she had stayed there, until the Tides turned!

    … So she had gone back home!

    And amazingly, many of us are still in that state also: You are in that state when you know you are in Pain; you are in that state when you know you are in a bad Marriage or you are in the situation where you know things that you can’t even share with another person – It is so strong and painful for you but it’s seems there is nothing you can do!

    You know; just like Abigail knew that she was married to a Fool. You know, that you are probably in the wrong place; but yet, YOU’RE STUCK THERE!

    Yet it seems as if: When will your freedom come?

    It looks as if: ‘Is this what I will continue to do for the rest of my life?’

    Now, I have come here to say to you: first, you are not alone! Second, the state of freedom is the state of our hearts.

    Everyone desires freedom!

    Unfortunately many are not free!

    Many of us are walking on the road; we look free, with good makeup, cars, good dresses; but the truth is – we are not Free!

    I was driving along recently, and I saw a Lady, been chauffer driven (that means a driver was driving her). She sat at the back of the car. And she sat there (we were in traffic), and her car was just by my car. I was the one driving, and I looked at her side, and I saw this woman was sobbing.

    Of course, all the windows were up; the driver just faced the road and this woman was sobbing behind him! In this very big elegant car! I could literally feel her pain!

    For you to know that many of us are actually looking free outside but we are not free within.

    But Freedom is something that we all desire.

    Unfortunately, many thinks it is the bad marriage that is keeping them chained but NO, it is not just the Marriage that is keeping you stucked- That is where the Game Changer is going to come for us today! That is where the understanding and the liberation is going to come!

    Because the bad Marriage, or the unhappy situation you find yourself today, didn’t start with the marriage but it’s a Compilation of other issues and past pain.

    Most of the times when we feel chained; we are responding to Past Abuse and Past Issues that have happened in our lives that seems to be repeating it self in other forms now- what we call trauma!.

    And then coming into this Marriage with this man, and having your hopes dashed by him who is also struggling with his own past pain and abuse… We end up repeating the Circle again.

    You might believe God is not answering you; You might have Prayed, you might have held unto Him. But you might still find out that you don’t seem to be able to get rid of your pain. You might be wondering where is God: Is it that God is not hearing?

    The truth is this: While Salvation is often Immediate, Transformation- Healing from past pain is a Process! – And Process takes time!

    … And this is one reality we need to come into.

    You need to understand the peculiarities of healing from past pains and trauma and understand also that our Journey differs; our Timing also differs!

    You might wonder: How long am I going to stay on this? How long am I going to cry in this phase?

    Whatever time it takes you, you will definitely get there!

    Let me share with you quickly some myths about trauma…

    1. THAT REAL CHRISTIANS DO NOT MAKE MISTAKES NOR EXPERIENCE PAIN…

    A young Lady said to me the other day: I served God, I loved God, I gave everything to God. I didn’t even rush to get married; I waited. When I married, I was a virgin. I kept myself!

    Three (3) months into her Marriage, she discovered that her supposed Spiritually strong husband had deceived her; she was actually the third (3rd) woman married to him.

    She kept lamenting: ‘So how did I get myself into this mess?’

    The man already has two (2) other women married to him with kids!

    How did I get here? – She kept on asking; talking about the disappointment, the shame, everything she felt. And then she looked on and said: ‘How did God even allow this happen to me?’ ‘I had thought marriage would make me happy but am in hell right now and I don’t know when I would be free. I had thought being a child of God would make me marry right, without any pain’

    Another Lady shared her experience with me; as she was talking about her Marriage; they were both Spiritually inclines. Both of them; people knew them (and I knew them also) as Vibrant Brethren and then they had gotten married!

    Few Months into the Marriage, the husband said: You know what, I just even realised that I do not even love you.

    … And so they have been married for almost seven (7) years. They have been living together, they go out together. But when they get inside the house, they are Total Strangers: they sleep on different beds. The man sleeps in the living room, the wife sleeps in the room. They have two (2) kids – to have the two (2) kids; the wife said she literally raped him (because the man doesn’t desire sex with her). She also kept repeating, ‘How did I get here? Why did God allow this happen to me?’

    2. Another part of the myth you might also be having is: I THOUGHT MY PAST WAS IN THE PAST? MY PAST CANNOT BE HURTING ME?

    A woman had shared her experience, and talked about how rough she has had it as a single. Because she had struggled to get married but couldn’t. She had a married man who had tried dating her years back And she had said no!

    Then she finally met this young man (who was to be her husband later on). And during the courtship time they had challenges so they separated for few months (giving each other abreak).

    And then during this break, the woman said one day she had felt extremely emotionally low and found herself going back to that first married man, who was still pressurizing her for an affair and She had sex with him. And of course she said she realised, ‘I shouldn’t be doing this’ (because this man is even married).

    So after reconciling with her Fiance (husband to be); in all sincerity of heart, she had confessed that sexual act to him, ‘you know that time we were not together, I actually had this experience’. And he had said that was your past and they had gone ahead with their Marriage!

    Years down the line in the Marriage, the husband had kept talking about this experience: ‘You this cheat. You that went to sleep with somebody else’s husband. You that we just had few weeks break, you are already jumping around. How can I ever trust you…?’

    “I thought my Past was in the PAST? Why can’t he forget and let go?”, That was what she kept repeating.

    She said: ‘I thought when God said He has forgiven me; that He has forgiven me, and that is it. So why these?’ She thought time would had even made the pain less painful but that is not the case!

    3. Another myth about pain is that you might be saying or thinking: “MY OWN EXPERIENCE WASN’T BAD COMPARED TO OTHERS”.

    So if Sister Lagbaja comes now: Probably Sister Kemi comes and share her own story now; ‘My own is not that bad, so I shouldn’t even be talking about my own’. Is that what you think?

    The reality is this and that is why we are talking about “TRAUMA” today – so that you can understand: THERE IS NO SMALL PAIN.

    There is no such thing as small Pain: Nothing quantifies pain. As in – this one is small, this one is big! Pain is pain!

    Oh, if your husband is beating you, is that when you should be pained! If your husband is ignoring you, you say it’s less painful – Who says?

    “EMOTIONAL ABUSE IS AS PAINFUL AS PHYSICAL ABUSE”.

    The fact that the man is not even talking to you in the house, or not eating your food, not sleeping on the bed with you, or avoiding you; is even most times, much painful than when he slaps you!

    So someone is telling you: Oh, your own problem is not big. Or you are thinking in your mind, you know, I can’t be complaining, everybody will think: Sebi you have a car, you have this, you have that. Ah, don’t talk.

    No! It doesn’t work like that in Trauma. And I will explain WHAT TRAUMA REALLY IS, to us:

    There is no minor issue, and that is what am explaining – all of these issues are experienced differently and is big enough for the individuals having it tough!

    I will still explain to you the reality; that the same way our Physical body feels pained; the same way our heart feel pained.

    You will agree with me that the human being is made of three (3) things, right?

    What are they? – Body, Spirit and Soul. Good!

    1. PHYSICAL PAINS: Now, amazingly when anything is wrong with our body; you are feeling some pains and so you are uncomfortable.

    What do you do? Who do you go to for help? -The Doctors!

    And you believe them? And often times they help out – Yes!

    They give us Medications or they tell you the things to do that could relieve the Physical Pains;

    2. SPIRITUAL PAINS: When you have struggles Spiritually, who you turn to? – Pastors!

    They become the right hand! “Ah, Pastor this is what am facing oh. Maybe there is a curse. Please pray for me” – am having bad dreams. Abi?

    Or you feel you are not Spiritual enough; they just have a way of running to our Pastors.

    3. When your SOUL IS PAINED; when your SOUL IS BURDENED who do you go to? -God????

    Ok, let me even ask us: Where is your soul? Is it with the Soul Therapist? (Laughter)

    You see what we are saying? You know who to go to when you are having Physical Pains, You know what to do when you are having Spiritual Pains.

    But when you are having EMOTIONAL PAINS; you don’t even know where it is coming from. You don’t even know where to get help. You don’t even know what to do! Ah, that is where the challenges come from.

    So am asking: ‘Where is your Soul?’ – The Mind!

    So where is the position in our body? – Anywhere! If you say head or heart, you are correct!

    You probably have heard the phrase, ”The Soul of the matter; the Core of the matter; the Heart of the matter.” Okay? It’s just talking about our EMOTIONS.

    Unfortunately, many of us are EMOTIONALLY WOUNDED.

    We are dragging and moving around with our wounds. But we thought that we can go on hiding it or better still pretending you are okay, that is the challenge! It’s so sad how much is going on out there… many souls are wounded whether within or outside of marriage!

    And I often explain to people, it is the same way: If I come in here and hit my leg on the Latten: Ouch! It’s going to be painful, am going to probably cry – Okay?

    … It is the same way when my heart is broken! The soul, the heart feels pain!

    Ok, let me ask you this question; This year if you have cried as in shed tears- let me see your hands. You have shed tears – let me see your hands – Beautiful! Keep your hands up!

    That tears that you cried this Year was it because somebody had beaten you – keep your hands up!

    Oh, no hand is up again?

    … So we were shedding tears without been beaten?

    Now you need to understand: Sometimes our Emotions is pained even more than Physical pains. Even much more than somebody flogging you.

    And that is why we are paying attention to OUR EMOTIONS going Way Forward!

    So this is what we call ‘OUR MENTAL HEALTH’ and the moment we don’t have it together, we are done for!

    A young Lady had come into my office and after talking to her, she said: ‘I think am loosing it’. And I said, I understand! She said it is so Bad: that since she started having doubts about her husband fidelity her life had turned upside down. Even when she is in her house alone, she is having panic attack; ‘I don’t even know what to expect next’ – I don’t even know what will happen to me next.’

    And I said to her: “When we get to the Place of Calmness and Peace within; the world will succumb unto us”. Can you let me help you get to that place?

    … It’s amazing how Powerful our EMOTIONS are, really!

    The moment we can be in charge of our Emotions; the moment we can be in charge of that Space, you will be amazed how you can control so many times around you.

    … Now you remember our Biblical character- the story of Abigail? that was one woman who was composed Emotionally.

    When the servant came to tell her, ‘see, your foolish husband as done it again, David and his men are coming to destroy us.’

    Many other women would have panicked. Many other women would have been afraid – ‘Ah! Am done for: this man has killed us!’.

    … That is what most of the women would have done!

    In fact, some would have gone into the corner of their room, crying, and weeping and waiting for the death! Or some would have gone back to the man to shout – ‘Foolish man, see what you have caused us’.

    But the woman (Abigail) was Emotionally Balanced enough to know that ‘I need to think fast – think of the way out of this mess for us!’

    … And that was the Big Deal!

    So, what I am saying is simply this…

    Pain is pain; irrespective of whether it’s Physical, Spiritual or Emotional.

    Pain is Pain! Let me hear you say that – PAIN IS PAIN. (Say it to your neighbour); No Pain is too small. Say it again: No pain is too small… But to deal with your pain and ride above trauma, you need to be Emotionally strong!

    Emotional wellness and solid mental health is a standard against pain anytime!

    … What a Great Session with our Counsellor – Dr Timi – A Great Counsellor of People that has experienced Trauma, Abuse, Marriage Counsellor etc.

    You will get to be reading a Dedicated Column of Dr Timi’s Messages on our DMC Websites on: www.discoveeymediacrew.com.

    Also you can get to invite her to your Churches, Seminars and Conference – All you need do is to reach out to us @ DMC!

    … Discovery Media Crew, Reaching out to the world through the Power of the Gospel!!!

    COMPILATIONS BY

    MOSES DURODOLA AND TITILAYOMI AJAYI

    © DMC 2019

  • INSIGHTS AND CONTRIBUTIONS TO VANGUARD NEWSPAPER INVESTIGATION INTO DRUG AND SUBSTANCE ABUSE BY SCHOOL CHILDREN (YOUTHS AND TEENAGERS)

    INSIGHTS AND CONTRIBUTIONS TO VANGUARD NEWSPAPER INVESTIGATION INTO DRUG AND SUBSTANCE ABUSE BY SCHOOL CHILDREN (YOUTHS AND TEENAGERS)

    DR TIMI OYEBODE

    One of the current trending things in the Society nowadays is Drug and Substance Abuse among School Children (Youths and Teenagers) through the usage of a substance called SOKUDAYE.

    Sokudaye is an intake of herbal mixture capable of sending children to early grave. This the Lagos State House of Assembly has even kicked against its usage as well as call for the stoppage of its Production with immediate effect.

    Intake of harmful substances among Youths has been described as disruptive and capable of sending them to their grave.

    The substances which have been discovered to be more prevalent among Primary and Secondary School students are said to be reasons for various criminal activities and vices among Youths and Teenagers.

    Under the influence of this substance for instance, these Youths and children practice all sorts of vices including, rape, gambling, killing, robbery, ritualism among others.

    Sokudaye is one of the local herbs sold at motors parks, garages among others.

    Investigations revealed that the effect of Sokudaye on Youths and children is fast becoming dangerous not only to them but the entire Country as a whole.

    Speaking on the effect of Sokudaye on children and Youths, the CEO/ Head Counsellor, Attitude Development International, ADI, Dr Timi Oyebode explained that: “Drinking of harmful substances by school children and Youth is a Sign of the level of Emotional Pain and struggle many of our young ones are going through.

    The facts remain that addiction of any sort is traceable to trauma (an inner wound/pain).

    Most times people use different means to suppress their trauma/inner pains, including these children.

    Trauma is “Inner Pain or Wound” that buries itself deep in our consciousness.

    Often times, it is a tragedy too heavy for the mind to bear: For instance Sex-too-early, Sudden death of a parent or close family or friend, Accident, Violence, Betrayal, Neglect, Abuse, Pain, Violation, Failure and many more others.

    Unfortunately many of these children had experienced one or more of such traumatizing situation without getting appropriate Emotional Support and Counselling to help them handle the pains caused by these experiences.

    And since the pain is there, they just have to look for a means to suppress it and that is where drugs and other harmful substances come handy as they give momentarily relieve from these inner pain.

    Sadly, it means as a Nation we are breeding a generation of emotionally injured Youths and children. This as well infers, having adults who are emotionally unbalanced and dependent on substances or what may be, for Emotional Support.

    The total man is a rounded Physical, Spiritual and Emotional being and once a part is injured; the other parts are at risk too.

    Sadly however, many parents do not know the Emotional Status of their children, teachers are not informed too and the Government seems to focus only on academics.

    SOLUTIONS AT SIGHT

    To help these children and our Nation at large, we need to become deliberate about meeting the Emotional Needs and these children and Youths:

    1. Parents should show love and be Emotionally available to their children.
    2. Teachers should go beyond classroom work to identify and be supportive of children who are struggling or seems to be unhappy.
    3. Government should put up Emotional Support Systems in Schools and Communities like Counselling Centres; Carry out Drug and Substances Abuse Awareness Campaigns and as well as Promoting Extra Curriculum Activities for these children and Youths.
    4. Religious and Motivational Leaders should also be involved to engage these Young Ones and help raise a balanced adult at the end of the day.
    5. The Legislative Arms of Government should enact Laws that should be stringent to curb consumption and sales of these harmful substances especially when it comes to selling to Youths and children.
    6. We should not allow children and teenagers to have access to these dangerous substances.

    What the Products are being used for is different from what the Producers intend them for.

    7. We have to immediately find a way to stop Primary and Secondary Schools children from abusing the drugs by reaching out to the necessary Departments in the State Ministry to assist with the Campaign for this.

    The Ministries of Information, Health and Education should embark on an Awareness Campaign on these Products.

    Market women and men, as well as Transport Workers, should embark on a Campaign against these Products as well.

    On its own, it has been discovered that ‘Sokudaye was not a Product but Chemical.

    When this Product was taken to the Laboratory, it was discovered that, it is a Chemical used for Embalmment and that the instruction on the bottle stated that it should not be inhaled.

    “Sokudaye is from chlorophyll.

    It has the capacity to destroy the Central Nervous System that destroys the kidney – This might be the cause of constant kidney problem in many of these children and Youths.

    As a Product therefore, the Government should immediately banned the Product.

    The Public Generally is hereby advised to be wary and aware of the consequences of the consumption of these substances.

    … Culled from the Session of Dr Timi Oyebode with the Vanguard Newspaper.

    You can get to have Dr Timi in your midst by talking to us!

    REPORTS BY DISCOVERY MEDIA CREW

  • EPISODE 10: SHOULD A LADY PROPOSE – IN A RELATIONSHIP?

    EPISODE 10: SHOULD A LADY PROPOSE – IN A RELATIONSHIP?

    Counselling Session With Dr Timi Oyebode At Bethel Institute of Biblical Research Singles Summit, Gbongan, Osun State, Nigeria

    And I will quickly answer that question with two (2) Real Life examples

    I have:I have a Sister who had explained ( that is a Sister in the Lord – a Friend!) Who had been a friend with this Brother for a long time (they were just friends); but he didn’t Propose, he didn’t say anything.

    … They are good friends! Very good friends: in fact many people were already (you understand)? You know those kind of friendships that even they themselves will say: oh, there is nothing! But every other person is saying, ‘there is something!’

    So one day, this Sister said, after a while she just got so frustrated. She had called him, and they were together in her house (I don’t know what she said they were doing). But she had looked at him and said – “eeh, so we are getting married in December!” – December 14th!

    And that was how they started planning for Wedding: so even if you ask the husband, they will tell you ‘Nobody Proposed’. As in, she was just the one that picked a date, and then …

    If you ask her till tomorrow, she will tell you that if she didn’t do that, that they would have still been on Friendship Level, till forever!

    … Because probably, the guy does not have what it takes to Propose!

    Am going somewhere! That’s one abi? And they are living well, they are fine. They have shared their story many times; they use it to tell people that sometimes, if you have been in a relationship…

    Did you see that? They were Friends! Not that from the beginning, the Lady walked up to him to say, ‘I Like you’. There was a Friendship!

    Because I keep explaining that there is a place in which a Lady can actually push the guy; because actually, some guys are highly pragmatic – meaning that, they don’t have what it takes!

    In fact, I remember my immediate younger brother; we used to joke (when he was younger) that when he would marry, that we are sure it’s his next brother (as in the one that followed him) that will help him Propose – because he just doesn’t seem to have what it takes!

    So there are some guys like that, who truly, truly … And if you happen to be the Lady around that person, it could be a challenge!

    Another place where it could also be a challenge is: There are some guys, they have all it takes to talk, they know what they want; but they will not talk. They are Sampling!

    And while they are doing the ‘Sampling’ up and down; they are preventing other Brothers from seeing you. Because they are always around you! So the other Brothers wound think: you are ‘Occupied!’ But the Brother has not Proposed.

    So, their own type of situation, I tell the Sisters involved in that situations (remember that they are already Friends): the person is already all around you – O ti wa around (Meaning He is around)!

    Going to five (5) Months, one (1) Year, two (2) Years, two and half (2½) Years, three (3) Years! – Everybody just know that you are best of friends (that’s what I will say next) Abeg ask him: ‘Bros, what are we doing?’

    Now, get me right ooh; am putting a scenario. And that’s why am going to use this second Story to explain it again. Because the reality is this: our Culture stands; our Tradition stands!

    In as much as we are revolving; there are some parts of our Tradition and Culture that are not healthy. And over time, we are dropping them.

    For example: Where we do widowhood rites, they are not healthy!

    And so, many of them in the Eastern part are dropped: circumcision of women have been dropped! And there are so many things, that I want you to know: the Western Culture we want to emulate, it’s not the best ooh. Oh my God!

    I need you to know how many times I have been in the US, they will tell me: Timi, when you get back to your people, can you just help tell them: they should maintain the things that they have?

    One of the things that we have, that they don’t have, that we have (that’s one of our own Culture); for those of you who are interested in their Culture. They don’t have Communalism;

    Mummy was talking to me recently, about what she was supposed to help me send and do. And she was telling: “They said I should not tell you; they don’t know that in our place, we share together.”

    If you have a problem, it’s easier for me (when I know that you are a Black man like me) to call you and start finding a way to help you resolve it. ‘Oyibo’ (Whites) don’t do that – it’s mind your business level.

    We are highly Communal. One of the first things we do is: We would say – what? Which family do you come from? And before you know it, we will say, Ah! I know somebody who comes from your family.

    We are Communal; they are not!

    They said, there was a News of a woman who had died; they didn’t know she was dead ten (10) Years: ten (10) years locked up inside the house, she was dead and nobody knew. In fact, her Television was still on (am telling you). It was her skeleton that they saw!

    So that we will know that when we are picking Culture, we should not throw away our own totally. Our own has value benefits.

    And even in their own Culture, it is not as if women just go and meet a guy and Propose too – They also have boundaries.

    It is just sad that when we want to emulate, it is the bad ones that we emulate. We pick the bad ones out of their behaviours – and that is what we want to claim.

    Backing that up, is another story; recently a friend of mine told me (this one we went to the University together).

    We were both Christian Sisters – we were doing a lot of vibrant Evangelism work for God. Do you understand?

    And you knew the Brother too (because we were in Fellowship); we were all in Students’ Fellowship together! Very vibrant Brother, very vibrant Sister. In fact for that Brother, he was even like the President of a Fellowship.

    She was their Prayer Coordinator, the Brother was the President. They were 1 and 2; they were just too closed! Later on, there was Wedding Plan, and they got married.

    … This should be about, probably nine (9) or ten (10) Years they have been married.

    Seven (7) Years ago, she called me when their marriage was about two (2) Years. And she called me; I can never forget that night. That day was her husband’s Birthday. She had posted on Facebook that “The Love of my life.. ”

    She had Toasted this man to Heaven! So when she called me in the night, I thought it was still celebration galore. So I was still telling her ‘Congratulations to me Brother, Happy Birthday to him oooh, and all that!’

    She said: Oh! ‘That one na Facebook post oooh’.

    I said, what do mean?

    She said, Ah! We have been ‘Cat and Mouse’ for the past seven (7) Years! She said, she sleeps in the Room, he sleeps in the Living Room.

    These people are both Ministers; am talking about Ministers of the Gospel. They still Preach around, they go around as husband and wife! But they are are like not in Good Terms.

    In fact, she was explaining to me: She said in the seven (7) Years of our Marriage, if we had sex; maybe like three (3) or four (4) times. And that those times, she can literally say she ‘Raped him’.

    You know when a woman said she ‘Raped’ a man; she dragged him, pulled him. And unfortunately for her, anytime she had successfully ‘Raped’ him; she gets pregnant. So she had three (3) children!

    And she was telling me practically that it’s possible, that is the only three (3) times they ever had sex in their Marriage.

    Ah! What’s going on?

    This is a spiritual Brother; you are spiritual Sister. What is it that you people can’t deal with?

    Do you know when we asked the Brother, do you know what he said?

    1. He said if he had known, he would not have married her. That he thought Spirituality was ENOUGH to marry a Sister!
    2. And that he realised that No: ‘Iwa yato si (Behaviour is different from) Spirituality’ – As in; someone who is vibrant for God, is different from character.
    3. She was the one that wanted the Marriage. That she was the one that kept saying: we need to get married. When are we getting married? And that finally, he agreed!

    Do you know this man said the same thing to her father? ‘Nigbati wahala won po’ (when the cold war was much) and they took themselves to their parents; the parents had to intervene:

    The father of the man came, the man said it to his face “Daddy, I told you the last time I was not ready”. Sebi you were the one; sebi you both planned the Wedding? And now we are still wedded. And now, ten (10) Years down, they are still there – Just imagine!

    And that man kept saying: ‘you are the one that Proposed to me’. She was the one that wanted the Marriage – I didn’t want it!

    Can you see that?

    You know when some of us; somebody like me, I still remember the Years I said to my husband (when we were still young in Marriage), and I was hurt because something happened;

    And then I will say to him ‘o ri mi koto femi oooh!’ (You saw me before you marry me oh)

    You are the one that came and said you wanted to marry me. I sat in my father’s house! In fact, he will say: eh!

    Those are part of the Cultural Heritage a woman can get; from when he pursued her. Other than the one that she pursued the man!

    There are so many!

    What am saying is that we can balance it.

    In the Place where we have men who are lackadaisical (who are slow) okay? Already there is a Friendship.

    And another way; like one of the Brothers (I cant remember who said it). Somebody said that you can actually tell somebody ‘I like that brother ooh, but he is not showing face’.

    Ok, if he is not showing face; other people around know how to go and meet the ‘Bro’. Bro, you did not see that Sister?

    Which Sister? – That Sister now!

    And somehow it can be worked out! And it can work out well. But at the same time, it will not look as if the woman is the one that went pursuing.

    Even if you look at Animal Kingdom: there is a pursuer and there is a receiver. Every animals also have their own pattern. Human beings (especially Africans): ‘awa lafe da gbogbo e ru!’ – we Africans want to turn the whole thing upside down!

    Men pursue! The nature of a typical man is to conquer. So when they do not feel that they pursued or they conquered you, they still feel that something is missing; And that’s why the man, after that marriage; will still be looking for something to conquer.

    So let him pursue you!

    Prove difficult a little bit. Act hard to get; whatever it is, let him know: ‘Ah! Nkan to oju mi ri kin to fe (what my eyes saw before I married her)!

    Amen!

    Extracts from the Counselling Session With Dr Timi Oyebode At Bethel Institute of Biblical Research Singles Summit, Gbongan, Osun State, Nigeria

    … You can have Dr Timi in your location – Just talk to us!

  • EPISODE 9: MARRIAGE IS NOT FOR A CHILD

    EPISODE 9: MARRIAGE IS NOT FOR A CHILD

    Counselling Session With Dr Timi Oyebode At Bethel Institute of Biblical Research Singles Summit, Gbongan, Osun State, Nigeria

    A young Lady called me from her school recently. She said one Brother was pressurizing her, telling her how much God told him – she was lusting. And she was also feeling it. She was still a student. This man was a Staff of that school. So that means, he is an Adult!

    And this is one other thing; I remember Pastor saying something about a thirteen (13) Years old girl. Marriage is not for a child (anyone below the age of eighteen (18) Years).

    So you met this girl: she below eighteen (18) Years. You can’t propose to her – it’s an abuse!

    Whether you are crazy or sure; whether God had told you she is the one. The fact that she is still below eighteen (18) Years, you must still keep on pushing – and let love and patience prevail.

    Otherwise, it’s an abuse. It’s a pure abuse! If Government catches you, you are gone for it: the present day style of Social Work that’s going on.

    Because so many of those young girls who will come – Sixty (60) Years old; he wants to marry me. The part of the brain that is used to make decision, is not fully developed yet until you are aged twenty one (21) Years.

    And so I say to Young Girls: you can’t even know who is right. Yes! That’s why we have parents and elders.

    If you are not yet twenty one (21) Years, you can’t decide. That’s the Truth!

    There are some major life decisions that you cannot make. Am not the one, it’s Biology that says it.

    See, because of time let me go on; because sincerely if I break it down for you; in fact, we of African origin…

    But you see the reality? The reality is that these little children that we are talking about, it is these so called ‘Adults’ that go and meet them.

    Yes, if they allow them to be, these young ones will not be focus on what is not necessary. But when you have a thirty two (32) Years old man pursuing a seventeen (17) Years old Girl, giving her close marking: the girl, she gets to school today, she gets Text Message ‘you know I love you’. She gets home, ‘you know am thinking of you’ – Haba! Brother!!!

    Praise the Lord!

    Extracts from the Counselling Session With Dr Timi Oyebode At Bethel Institute of Biblical Research Singles Summit, Gbongan, Osun State, Nigeria

    … You can have Dr Timi in your location – Just talk to us!

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