EPISODE 10: SHOULD A LADY PROPOSE – IN A RELATIONSHIP?

Counselling Session With Dr Timi Oyebode At Bethel Institute of Biblical Research Singles Summit, Gbongan, Osun State, Nigeria

And I will quickly answer that question with two (2) Real Life examples

I have:I have a Sister who had explained ( that is a Sister in the Lord – a Friend!) Who had been a friend with this Brother for a long time (they were just friends); but he didn’t Propose, he didn’t say anything.

… They are good friends! Very good friends: in fact many people were already (you understand)? You know those kind of friendships that even they themselves will say: oh, there is nothing! But every other person is saying, ‘there is something!’

So one day, this Sister said, after a while she just got so frustrated. She had called him, and they were together in her house (I don’t know what she said they were doing). But she had looked at him and said – “eeh, so we are getting married in December!” – December 14th!

And that was how they started planning for Wedding: so even if you ask the husband, they will tell you ‘Nobody Proposed’. As in, she was just the one that picked a date, and then …

If you ask her till tomorrow, she will tell you that if she didn’t do that, that they would have still been on Friendship Level, till forever!

… Because probably, the guy does not have what it takes to Propose!

Am going somewhere! That’s one abi? And they are living well, they are fine. They have shared their story many times; they use it to tell people that sometimes, if you have been in a relationship…

Did you see that? They were Friends! Not that from the beginning, the Lady walked up to him to say, ‘I Like you’. There was a Friendship!

Because I keep explaining that there is a place in which a Lady can actually push the guy; because actually, some guys are highly pragmatic – meaning that, they don’t have what it takes!

In fact, I remember my immediate younger brother; we used to joke (when he was younger) that when he would marry, that we are sure it’s his next brother (as in the one that followed him) that will help him Propose – because he just doesn’t seem to have what it takes!

So there are some guys like that, who truly, truly … And if you happen to be the Lady around that person, it could be a challenge!

Another place where it could also be a challenge is: There are some guys, they have all it takes to talk, they know what they want; but they will not talk. They are Sampling!

And while they are doing the ‘Sampling’ up and down; they are preventing other Brothers from seeing you. Because they are always around you! So the other Brothers wound think: you are ‘Occupied!’ But the Brother has not Proposed.

So, their own type of situation, I tell the Sisters involved in that situations (remember that they are already Friends): the person is already all around you – O ti wa around (Meaning He is around)!

Going to five (5) Months, one (1) Year, two (2) Years, two and half (2½) Years, three (3) Years! – Everybody just know that you are best of friends (that’s what I will say next) Abeg ask him: ‘Bros, what are we doing?’

Now, get me right ooh; am putting a scenario. And that’s why am going to use this second Story to explain it again. Because the reality is this: our Culture stands; our Tradition stands!

In as much as we are revolving; there are some parts of our Tradition and Culture that are not healthy. And over time, we are dropping them.

For example: Where we do widowhood rites, they are not healthy!

And so, many of them in the Eastern part are dropped: circumcision of women have been dropped! And there are so many things, that I want you to know: the Western Culture we want to emulate, it’s not the best ooh. Oh my God!

I need you to know how many times I have been in the US, they will tell me: Timi, when you get back to your people, can you just help tell them: they should maintain the things that they have?

One of the things that we have, that they don’t have, that we have (that’s one of our own Culture); for those of you who are interested in their Culture. They don’t have Communalism;

Mummy was talking to me recently, about what she was supposed to help me send and do. And she was telling: “They said I should not tell you; they don’t know that in our place, we share together.”

If you have a problem, it’s easier for me (when I know that you are a Black man like me) to call you and start finding a way to help you resolve it. ‘Oyibo’ (Whites) don’t do that – it’s mind your business level.

We are highly Communal. One of the first things we do is: We would say – what? Which family do you come from? And before you know it, we will say, Ah! I know somebody who comes from your family.

We are Communal; they are not!

They said, there was a News of a woman who had died; they didn’t know she was dead ten (10) Years: ten (10) years locked up inside the house, she was dead and nobody knew. In fact, her Television was still on (am telling you). It was her skeleton that they saw!

So that we will know that when we are picking Culture, we should not throw away our own totally. Our own has value benefits.

And even in their own Culture, it is not as if women just go and meet a guy and Propose too – They also have boundaries.

It is just sad that when we want to emulate, it is the bad ones that we emulate. We pick the bad ones out of their behaviours – and that is what we want to claim.

Backing that up, is another story; recently a friend of mine told me (this one we went to the University together).

We were both Christian Sisters – we were doing a lot of vibrant Evangelism work for God. Do you understand?

And you knew the Brother too (because we were in Fellowship); we were all in Students’ Fellowship together! Very vibrant Brother, very vibrant Sister. In fact for that Brother, he was even like the President of a Fellowship.

She was their Prayer Coordinator, the Brother was the President. They were 1 and 2; they were just too closed! Later on, there was Wedding Plan, and they got married.

… This should be about, probably nine (9) or ten (10) Years they have been married.

Seven (7) Years ago, she called me when their marriage was about two (2) Years. And she called me; I can never forget that night. That day was her husband’s Birthday. She had posted on Facebook that “The Love of my life.. ”

She had Toasted this man to Heaven! So when she called me in the night, I thought it was still celebration galore. So I was still telling her ‘Congratulations to me Brother, Happy Birthday to him oooh, and all that!’

She said: Oh! ‘That one na Facebook post oooh’.

I said, what do mean?

She said, Ah! We have been ‘Cat and Mouse’ for the past seven (7) Years! She said, she sleeps in the Room, he sleeps in the Living Room.

These people are both Ministers; am talking about Ministers of the Gospel. They still Preach around, they go around as husband and wife! But they are are like not in Good Terms.

In fact, she was explaining to me: She said in the seven (7) Years of our Marriage, if we had sex; maybe like three (3) or four (4) times. And that those times, she can literally say she ‘Raped him’.

You know when a woman said she ‘Raped’ a man; she dragged him, pulled him. And unfortunately for her, anytime she had successfully ‘Raped’ him; she gets pregnant. So she had three (3) children!

And she was telling me practically that it’s possible, that is the only three (3) times they ever had sex in their Marriage.

Ah! What’s going on?

This is a spiritual Brother; you are spiritual Sister. What is it that you people can’t deal with?

Do you know when we asked the Brother, do you know what he said?

1. He said if he had known, he would not have married her. That he thought Spirituality was ENOUGH to marry a Sister!
2. And that he realised that No: ‘Iwa yato si (Behaviour is different from) Spirituality’ – As in; someone who is vibrant for God, is different from character.
3. She was the one that wanted the Marriage. That she was the one that kept saying: we need to get married. When are we getting married? And that finally, he agreed!

Do you know this man said the same thing to her father? ‘Nigbati wahala won po’ (when the cold war was much) and they took themselves to their parents; the parents had to intervene:

The father of the man came, the man said it to his face “Daddy, I told you the last time I was not ready”. Sebi you were the one; sebi you both planned the Wedding? And now we are still wedded. And now, ten (10) Years down, they are still there – Just imagine!

And that man kept saying: ‘you are the one that Proposed to me’. She was the one that wanted the Marriage – I didn’t want it!

Can you see that?

You know when some of us; somebody like me, I still remember the Years I said to my husband (when we were still young in Marriage), and I was hurt because something happened;

And then I will say to him ‘o ri mi koto femi oooh!’ (You saw me before you marry me oh)

You are the one that came and said you wanted to marry me. I sat in my father’s house! In fact, he will say: eh!

Those are part of the Cultural Heritage a woman can get; from when he pursued her. Other than the one that she pursued the man!

There are so many!

What am saying is that we can balance it.

In the Place where we have men who are lackadaisical (who are slow) okay? Already there is a Friendship.

And another way; like one of the Brothers (I cant remember who said it). Somebody said that you can actually tell somebody ‘I like that brother ooh, but he is not showing face’.

Ok, if he is not showing face; other people around know how to go and meet the ‘Bro’. Bro, you did not see that Sister?

Which Sister? – That Sister now!

And somehow it can be worked out! And it can work out well. But at the same time, it will not look as if the woman is the one that went pursuing.

Even if you look at Animal Kingdom: there is a pursuer and there is a receiver. Every animals also have their own pattern. Human beings (especially Africans): ‘awa lafe da gbogbo e ru!’ – we Africans want to turn the whole thing upside down!

Men pursue! The nature of a typical man is to conquer. So when they do not feel that they pursued or they conquered you, they still feel that something is missing; And that’s why the man, after that marriage; will still be looking for something to conquer.

So let him pursue you!

Prove difficult a little bit. Act hard to get; whatever it is, let him know: ‘Ah! Nkan to oju mi ri kin to fe (what my eyes saw before I married her)!

Amen!

Extracts from the Counselling Session With Dr Timi Oyebode At Bethel Institute of Biblical Research Singles Summit, Gbongan, Osun State, Nigeria

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