EPISODE 2: ADVERSED CHILDHOOD EXPERIENCES (ACE)

COUNSELLING SESSION WITH DR TIMI OYEBODE @ RCCG AREA 27, PROVINCE 44 UNDER THE THEME: RECOVERY FROM EMOTIONAL ABUSE, TRAUMA AND LOW SELF ESTEEM

Do you know also that research even tells us that experiences we had as children ends up affecting us even as Adults?

There is something we call ACE – ADVERSED CHILDHOOD EXPERIENCES.

ADVERSED CHILDHOOD EXPERIENCES (ACE) says: “If you have ever encountered any of these Traumatic Experiences as a child; your brain will computerize it – your brain will store it”. And it will have effects even in Adulthood.

For example, if you were ever ABUSED as a child – whether sexual, physical, emotional or whatever – it did not go away with your childhood as you think.

You might think, oh am an adult now so that means, it’s gone; it’s not there – It’s still very much there!

If you ever lost a parent as a child – maybe you had to live with a single parent. Or maybe your parents died, you had to live as an orphan; it has its own place for you, even as an adult.

If you ever were abandoned or had a sense of abandonment, or neglect from parents or caregivers. It has a place for you as an adult.

Not just its place; in fact research has shown us, not just what you will be doing; if I meet with you now, you tell me some of your challenges – I probably will tell you your experience as a child. It’s that serious now!

I can tell you; if you experience this as a child, you are likely to experience it as an adult.

For example, if you were a victim of Sexual Abuse as a child; you are likely to experience suicidal thoughts, You are likely to even have what we call: ‘A Feeble feel of God’.

And usually what causes that: is because ‘our Sexuality is synonymous to our identity.’

And so many times when you were violated, there is a tendency for you to then believe as you grow up, ‘that means my body is nothing’; there’s nothing good in me. And unconsciously you keep on repeating that psycho like idea to yourself.

Sexuality is expression of our inner self. And that is why it’s a big deal, when we come into the space of Trauma as we begin to explain what Trauma means;

TRAUMA simply means “An inner wound”.

It is a wound that is very deep – deep inside of our consciousness – It’s there!

In fact, i always explain that emotional pain is as painful as physical pain…; Ok let me give this example again; that if you hit your leg or have a cut: and you decide that, oh this my cut, would heal on its own – it will go! Deep wound, and you decide to cover it. What happens?

Yes, you have covered it successfully; but not long later – it’s either it makes you handicap (you start leaping); two, it starts stinking.

And many times, I look at some women, and I would say to them, ‘You are stinking!” – Not body odour; but your ‘wound’ is stinking.

You thought you have buried it, you thought you have dealt with it; but you find yourself struggling with anger issues – Your wound is stinking!

You find yourself struggling with self-esteem; your wound is stinking!

It’s there! You didn’t let it heal; you covered it up. ‘moved on’, like many of us say!

And I have come here to let you know today, ‘that time does not heal wound’.

It’s a myth. Time doesn’t heal emotional wounds! It may cover it up… but that’s just for a while.

Oh, it happened years ago; so so and so have moved on! The mind has mastered it; your consciousnesses has taken it in, and it’s there in your Programming.

That is why you find out that you act in some ways, in some places and you are shocked!

Even you yourself is like, I didn’t expect I will do that. But there is an inner anger that makes you do those things; even when you least expect.

And that is why today, I want us to become deliberate about our Pains, about our Pasts, about our Abuses – particularly Abuse!

Abuse is one of the major lead to Traumas.

WHAT DO WE CALL ABUSE?

Abuse simply means – “The Misuse of a thing” –

When something is not used the way it should be used; then an Abuse has occurred!

If am married, my husband and I are supposed to be one before God, right? The moment there is a third person or sense of somebody else; that means an ABUSE has occurred.

Are you getting me now?

So Abuse is not only what you think an Abuse is. Abuse is the moment something is been misused!

The Purpose of this Union is this; and when the Purpose is forfeited – it’s not working out that way, then an Abuse has occurred.

Abuse goes down, even farther down to when we were children. So many times when I ask women, ‘if you were abused as a child?’ The responses are sad!

Some doesn’t even understand what abuse means nor sure if they should referred to what happened to them as abuse. Because of the things that happened to them; some even thought it is normal.

Oh, some people say ‘but there was no penetration!’ And since they didn’t penetrate, it means I was not abused – since you did marry me as a Virgin – It doesn’t matter!

I had a young Bride who had come into a Session, because the husband and her had been married for Months and they couldn’t have sex; and they had been referred to come over for a Sex Therapy.

And in the Session, this woman, ok! Were you ever abused?

She said, No ooo!

Did anything ever happen to you? – No ooo!

Did you see somebody being raped? – No ooo!

Were you raped? – No ooo!

Ok, so what gets you frigid?

She couldn’t place it!

Until We had to do a ‘Mindfulness Exercise’ for her.

The ‘Mindfulness Exercise’ was able to bring her back to her childhood; and then she remembered!

When she was around the age of eight (8) and nine (9) (there about); they had their Dad’s driver living in their Boys quarters.

She said herself and her younger brother (about seven (7) years old brother) usually go to peep when this man is watching a movie in his apartment. And so on this particular day, they had gone there as usual.

And as they were peeping (watching what he was watching through his window) the man saw them. When the man saw them, the man came out and called them over; that ‘you these little children, you want to see abi?’ Why are hiding? Come inside!

He had dragged them into his room, sat them down, and made them to face the screen: he was watching ‘Blue Film’ – Pure Blue film! Orgy and everything you can imagine, in there!

And the Lady said she can even recollect that some of the scenes could be so disgusting; that you know as a child, they tryed to remove their face. And the man will push their face, and say ‘Sebi you want to see? Be looking; you must see ooo!’

… And that was it! That was it; just been made to see Exotic Pornographic video, Abused her psyche about sex! And affected her, over twenty (20) years later – in marriage!

Now you see what I mean; when I say that ‘It is not only Penetrative sex that is an Abuse’.

Abuse is also when you show phonographic pictures to children or to anyone. Or when someone feels uncomfortable!

A young Lady shared her own experience also: Her family had people come from the village to work for her Dad. Her Dad has a workshop, and all of that!

So she had some of these people who had come from the village to work with them! And so she said, overtime, one of them, she just noticed that as she is passing (she was a young girl); she said she was probably twelve (12) or thirteen (13) years of age when these happened.

And as she was passing, this guy will just flash her; flash here means he is actually naked: wears an overall, and waits at the corner for her, and suddenly just removes the overall – so that she could see his erected Penis.

He didn’t touch her, remember? He even stayed far from her! Of course, other times he doesn’t do that, their eyes catches, he signals to her like ‘you and I know something other people don’t know’.

She said it kept on going till the day she couldn’t take it anymore; she went to tell her Mum that ‘this uncle, he will just suddenly remove his trousers’. He will just suddenly open his chest! You know, he was doing things like that to her!

And the Mum in response, said ‘Eh!’ Instead of attacking the man, she attacked her (the daughter); the man went on to teach her the lesson of her life, so that when she sees sex, she would run! And so she did that for years!

The Mum put pepper in her virgina, the Mum flogged her, told her everything, that she should not be seeing a man – as if she was the one putting the man on the road – Abused!

Many of us also have our own stories of Abused. I was a victim of Abuse myself! Many of us had it, too.

And one Core thing, which I need us to understand is that: ‘you need to admit to yourself that something was done to you, that was wrong’.

It is unfortunate how many of us take responsibility for our Abuse or justify the abuse: ‘see, am at fault, am sure I caused it’. And it will go on with you for years!

In fact, mine was even bad, because one of my Abusers said my eyes were seducing him. I was a young girl of twelve (12) with a tiny body frame.

Of course you can imagine how I was as a young child. I was very thin and tall, and just straight like that. Yet you are saying that this tiny girl’s eyes were seducing you.

And so for years, I believed it! Even after the abuse had stopped. Even when I became an Adult; LOW SELF ESTEEM came in.

… Because you feel like you are the one causing it. It is because you look at them, and your eyes pulled them to you.

You see, ABUSE IS IN DIFFERENT FORMS: You need to admit that those things that happened to you, shouldn’t have happened. We need to admit that it had affected your psyche one way or the other.

As a young girl in Primary school, I still remember I had one of my teachers picked on me; and nobody could do anything to stop it.

… ABUSE – Psychological And Emotional Abuses!

Many of us have gone through some of these things. And that is the Point am explaining.

I know You have had these experiences, especially abuse… but then it had hold you down long enough.

It’s time to rise above it all.!

… What a Great Session with our Counsellor – Dr Timi – A Great Counsellor of People that has experienced Trauma, Abuse, Marriage Counsellor etc.

You will get to be reading a Dedicated Column of Dr Timi’s Messages on our DMC Websites on: www.discoveeymediacrew.com.

Also you can get to invite her to your Churches, Seminars and Conference – All you need do is to reach out to us @ DMC!

… Discovery Media Crew, Reaching out to the world through the Power of the Gospel!!!

COMPILATIONS BY

MOSES DURODOLA AND TITILAYOMI AJAYI