EPISODE 1: RECOVERY FROM EMOTIONAL ABUSE (A CASE STUDY OF NABAL AND ABIGAIL)

COUNSELLING SESSION WITH DR TIMI OYEBODE @ RCCG AREA 27, PROVINCE 44; UNDER THE THEME: RECOVERY FROM EMOTIONAL ABUSE, TRAUMA AND LOW SELF ESTEEM

BIBLE TEXT: 1 SAMUEL 25:2-42

For this particular Meeting, the story God gave me for illustration is the story of Nabal and his wife.

Do we know her? Do we remember that woman – the wife of Nabal? Who remembers her? – Let me hear her name – ABIGAIL!

Thank You!

You remember that story, of this woman (Abigail) who was married to this man (Nabal); who was so full of himself. This man was so arrogant, and so ready to risk the whole family’s life.

The story had gone on and on; but let’s quickly just see – let me take some Scriptures right here and read it out to us. And then explain the story, and then we will go to the Full Session.

1 SAMUEL 25:2-42 (please read through).

I want you to pick some words specifically in this story; because you will be amazed that whatever it is that your journey is and your peculiarity is – it is there! It’s there in the Scriptures.

Ok so here is a very beautiful woman Abigeal – Fantastic. The scripture says ‘She had good understanding’.

Do you know what that means? For a woman to have good understanding?

That means she is accommodating, enduring, amiable – She can be tolerant; highly tolerant!

But when a tolerant woman gets into a Marriage with a hard man; it’s a tough deal really. Your patience level gets tested to the extreme – that you see yourself doing some things, If they told you when you were sixteen (16) Years old, you would probably say ‘I can never do this’.

But now, you see yourself Years down the line that you become the ‘Margaret Thatcher’ that you thought you can never be. You see yourself fighting battles with your spouse and you are wondering: This is not me!

Let’s check the story again, As at that time (please note) David was in trouble – David was running away from the people who wanted to kill him in his own kingdom. So he was a bit more like a ‘Vagabond’- okay?

He had his own Soldiers who were going with him – but they lodged in different Places, they hanged around. And usually, because he is a Warrior, many times, communities have heard about him even before he arrives at their villages. They know about this displaced man or King who is so Powerful but running for his life.

So if he comes asking for something, because they also understood his battles – that King Saul wanted him dead (that is the King of Israel), some people offer him their help as his team needs food and upkeep on their journey.

So David was going around, without food. And he heard about this rich man – remember Nabal was a rich man! They said he had over three thousand (3,000) Sheep as at that time! So you see he was a very, very rich man.

So David sent a Message: I have heard about this rich man, please you ten (10) guys go and meet him. Tell him that we are passing by, and we might need some food – Just a little!

… Remember, Nabal lives in Prosperity!

David was literally begging Nabal (as seen in our Text 1 Samuel 25:5-9). So when his men got to Nabal – according to all these words (in the name of David); and they waited!

You can only imagine what Nabal said to them in return: “Who’s David? He dare sent you people to me? You all must be stupid.” You can only imagining what he would have actually said. (1 Samuel 25:10-13)

Remember, David sent only ten (10) men earlier. Nabal could have given only the ten (10) of them food. And they would have been contented. And remember he said ‘on a Feast Day’: that means there was celebration going on, there was plenty of food going round.

And so when David heard of Nabal’s insulting respond, he said to his people obviously in anger, …“come on guys, this man needs to be taught a lesson – a very good lesson!”

David had been known, to teach arrogant communities hard lessons: they get in, they destroy a place, they take over, they conquer; and all that! – He is a Warrior, remember? He was angry and set to destroy Nabal.

However, in 1 Samuel 25:14-17; we saw Nabal’s servant telling Abigail (the wife of Nabal): “Please know what you will do! You know your husband would not listen to any one! This man would get us all killed with his foolishness “

You know when men, are asking you the wife: “who do you think can talk to your husband?” And they say, ‘he doesn’t listen to anybody’.

… And immediately, Nabal comes to your mind again!

If you are dealing with these kind of men, YOU ARE NOT ALONE: that is what I have come tell you today.

If you are dealing with men who don’t listen to any other person. When you can’t say: Oh, this is the Person that can help us talk to him? – YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Nabal servants were the ones saying it; his people, close handyman were the people saying: ‘You know he will not listen to anybody’.

Then Abigail (his wife) made haste to intercede for her family because David was determined to kill every single man he meets in Nabal’s house (1 Samuel 25:18-22).

David was even cursing himself. You know when someone has put himself on a curse that “if I leave one single man in his house, by morning time…”

… He has placed himself on a curse; that means he must do it. Yet Abigeal was able to stop him.

There’s a Power that an understanding woman has!

And that is why I keep saying; “That to every Fool, there is a Queen. And to every King, there is also a Queen”.

Every single man; whether he is a stupid one or an intelligent one: there is a woman who just needs to understand how to manage him, how best to get him and how he works!

In fact, we can only try to imagine how this woman (Abigail) had been living with Nabal – It shows indeed, that she is a “Woman of understanding”.

… For her to have been able to stay that long with this man, it shows indeed that even if the world did not recognise it; even if the world did not count it something tangible: The reality stands, that this woman has sacrificed a lot, to live with this man.

And so what did she do? (Read 1 Samuel 25:23-31)

Can you see the power of understanding?

She was toasting and begging David; dancing to and fro pleading ‘Please!’ In case those words did not work, she then tried to prevail on his emotions (his relationship with God)

Telling him, ah! ‘So you will not have blood shed on your hands. Ah! So that this man (Nabal) will not make you commit more sins.’ And she was smart enough to request for help from this warrior,

… “But when the LORD shall have dealt well with my lord, then REMEMBER thine handmaid.”

Now, do you want to know?

Not only did David listen to this woman; if you read on to verse 32-34; you will see how David blessed her. And thanked her for saving him from committing an offence.

But you see, the amazing part was that after she had this encounter with David; she went back to her house (to that foolish husband of hers) – okay? And had continued her life.

But something was going to happen; in as much as it seemed she was stuck there: she never knew when liberation will come! She never knew when she will be free from this foolish man that she is married to. She was determined to save this man and her household.

She didn’t offer to say: ‘Man (David) I will go with you’.

NO! She went back, even to her husband. She went back to that same house.

Many would have thought like some people – ‘Why will she even go back?’

She went back there, and she had stayed there, until the Tides turned!

… So she had gone back home!

And amazingly, many of us are still in that state also: You are in that state when you know you are in Pain; you are in that state when you know you are in a bad Marriage or you are in the situation where you know things that you can’t even share with another person – It is so strong and painful for you but it’s seems there is nothing you can do!

You know; just like Abigail knew that she was married to a Fool. You know, that you are probably in the wrong place; but yet, YOU’RE STUCK THERE!

Yet it seems as if: When will your freedom come?

It looks as if: ‘Is this what I will continue to do for the rest of my life?’

Now, I have come here to say to you: first, you are not alone! Second, the state of freedom is the state of our hearts.

Everyone desires freedom!

Unfortunately many are not free!

Many of us are walking on the road; we look free, with good makeup, cars, good dresses; but the truth is – we are not Free!

I was driving along recently, and I saw a Lady, been chauffer driven (that means a driver was driving her). She sat at the back of the car. And she sat there (we were in traffic), and her car was just by my car. I was the one driving, and I looked at her side, and I saw this woman was sobbing.

Of course, all the windows were up; the driver just faced the road and this woman was sobbing behind him! In this very big elegant car! I could literally feel her pain!

For you to know that many of us are actually looking free outside but we are not free within.

But Freedom is something that we all desire.

Unfortunately, many thinks it is the bad marriage that is keeping them chained but NO, it is not just the Marriage that is keeping you stucked- That is where the Game Changer is going to come for us today! That is where the understanding and the liberation is going to come!

Because the bad Marriage, or the unhappy situation you find yourself today, didn’t start with the marriage but it’s a Compilation of other issues and past pain.

Most of the times when we feel chained; we are responding to Past Abuse and Past Issues that have happened in our lives that seems to be repeating it self in other forms now- what we call trauma!.

And then coming into this Marriage with this man, and having your hopes dashed by him who is also struggling with his own past pain and abuse… We end up repeating the Circle again.

You might believe God is not answering you; You might have Prayed, you might have held unto Him. But you might still find out that you don’t seem to be able to get rid of your pain. You might be wondering where is God: Is it that God is not hearing?

The truth is this: While Salvation is often Immediate, Transformation- Healing from past pain is a Process! – And Process takes time!

… And this is one reality we need to come into.

You need to understand the peculiarities of healing from past pains and trauma and understand also that our Journey differs; our Timing also differs!

You might wonder: How long am I going to stay on this? How long am I going to cry in this phase?

Whatever time it takes you, you will definitely get there!

Let me share with you quickly some myths about trauma…

1. THAT REAL CHRISTIANS DO NOT MAKE MISTAKES NOR EXPERIENCE PAIN…

A young Lady said to me the other day: I served God, I loved God, I gave everything to God. I didn’t even rush to get married; I waited. When I married, I was a virgin. I kept myself!

Three (3) months into her Marriage, she discovered that her supposed Spiritually strong husband had deceived her; she was actually the third (3rd) woman married to him.

She kept lamenting: ‘So how did I get myself into this mess?’

The man already has two (2) other women married to him with kids!

How did I get here? – She kept on asking; talking about the disappointment, the shame, everything she felt. And then she looked on and said: ‘How did God even allow this happen to me?’ ‘I had thought marriage would make me happy but am in hell right now and I don’t know when I would be free. I had thought being a child of God would make me marry right, without any pain’

Another Lady shared her experience with me; as she was talking about her Marriage; they were both Spiritually inclines. Both of them; people knew them (and I knew them also) as Vibrant Brethren and then they had gotten married!

Few Months into the Marriage, the husband said: You know what, I just even realised that I do not even love you.

… And so they have been married for almost seven (7) years. They have been living together, they go out together. But when they get inside the house, they are Total Strangers: they sleep on different beds. The man sleeps in the living room, the wife sleeps in the room. They have two (2) kids – to have the two (2) kids; the wife said she literally raped him (because the man doesn’t desire sex with her). She also kept repeating, ‘How did I get here? Why did God allow this happen to me?’

2. Another part of the myth you might also be having is: I THOUGHT MY PAST WAS IN THE PAST? MY PAST CANNOT BE HURTING ME?

A woman had shared her experience, and talked about how rough she has had it as a single. Because she had struggled to get married but couldn’t. She had a married man who had tried dating her years back And she had said no!

Then she finally met this young man (who was to be her husband later on). And during the courtship time they had challenges so they separated for few months (giving each other abreak).

And then during this break, the woman said one day she had felt extremely emotionally low and found herself going back to that first married man, who was still pressurizing her for an affair and She had sex with him. And of course she said she realised, ‘I shouldn’t be doing this’ (because this man is even married).

So after reconciling with her Fiance (husband to be); in all sincerity of heart, she had confessed that sexual act to him, ‘you know that time we were not together, I actually had this experience’. And he had said that was your past and they had gone ahead with their Marriage!

Years down the line in the Marriage, the husband had kept talking about this experience: ‘You this cheat. You that went to sleep with somebody else’s husband. You that we just had few weeks break, you are already jumping around. How can I ever trust you…?’

“I thought my Past was in the PAST? Why can’t he forget and let go?”, That was what she kept repeating.

She said: ‘I thought when God said He has forgiven me; that He has forgiven me, and that is it. So why these?’ She thought time would had even made the pain less painful but that is not the case!

3. Another myth about pain is that you might be saying or thinking: “MY OWN EXPERIENCE WASN’T BAD COMPARED TO OTHERS”.

So if Sister Lagbaja comes now: Probably Sister Kemi comes and share her own story now; ‘My own is not that bad, so I shouldn’t even be talking about my own’. Is that what you think?

The reality is this and that is why we are talking about “TRAUMA” today – so that you can understand: THERE IS NO SMALL PAIN.

There is no such thing as small Pain: Nothing quantifies pain. As in – this one is small, this one is big! Pain is pain!

Oh, if your husband is beating you, is that when you should be pained! If your husband is ignoring you, you say it’s less painful – Who says?

“EMOTIONAL ABUSE IS AS PAINFUL AS PHYSICAL ABUSE”.

The fact that the man is not even talking to you in the house, or not eating your food, not sleeping on the bed with you, or avoiding you; is even most times, much painful than when he slaps you!

So someone is telling you: Oh, your own problem is not big. Or you are thinking in your mind, you know, I can’t be complaining, everybody will think: Sebi you have a car, you have this, you have that. Ah, don’t talk.

No! It doesn’t work like that in Trauma. And I will explain WHAT TRAUMA REALLY IS, to us:

There is no minor issue, and that is what am explaining – all of these issues are experienced differently and is big enough for the individuals having it tough!

I will still explain to you the reality; that the same way our Physical body feels pained; the same way our heart feel pained.

You will agree with me that the human being is made of three (3) things, right?

What are they? – Body, Spirit and Soul. Good!

1. PHYSICAL PAINS: Now, amazingly when anything is wrong with our body; you are feeling some pains and so you are uncomfortable.

What do you do? Who do you go to for help? -The Doctors!

And you believe them? And often times they help out – Yes!

They give us Medications or they tell you the things to do that could relieve the Physical Pains;

2. SPIRITUAL PAINS: When you have struggles Spiritually, who you turn to? – Pastors!

They become the right hand! “Ah, Pastor this is what am facing oh. Maybe there is a curse. Please pray for me” – am having bad dreams. Abi?

Or you feel you are not Spiritual enough; they just have a way of running to our Pastors.

3. When your SOUL IS PAINED; when your SOUL IS BURDENED who do you go to? -God????

Ok, let me even ask us: Where is your soul? Is it with the Soul Therapist? (Laughter)

You see what we are saying? You know who to go to when you are having Physical Pains, You know what to do when you are having Spiritual Pains.

But when you are having EMOTIONAL PAINS; you don’t even know where it is coming from. You don’t even know where to get help. You don’t even know what to do! Ah, that is where the challenges come from.

So am asking: ‘Where is your Soul?’ – The Mind!

So where is the position in our body? – Anywhere! If you say head or heart, you are correct!

You probably have heard the phrase, ”The Soul of the matter; the Core of the matter; the Heart of the matter.” Okay? It’s just talking about our EMOTIONS.

Unfortunately, many of us are EMOTIONALLY WOUNDED.

We are dragging and moving around with our wounds. But we thought that we can go on hiding it or better still pretending you are okay, that is the challenge! It’s so sad how much is going on out there… many souls are wounded whether within or outside of marriage!

And I often explain to people, it is the same way: If I come in here and hit my leg on the Latten: Ouch! It’s going to be painful, am going to probably cry – Okay?

… It is the same way when my heart is broken! The soul, the heart feels pain!

Ok, let me ask you this question; This year if you have cried as in shed tears- let me see your hands. You have shed tears – let me see your hands – Beautiful! Keep your hands up!

That tears that you cried this Year was it because somebody had beaten you – keep your hands up!

Oh, no hand is up again?

… So we were shedding tears without been beaten?

Now you need to understand: Sometimes our Emotions is pained even more than Physical pains. Even much more than somebody flogging you.

And that is why we are paying attention to OUR EMOTIONS going Way Forward!

So this is what we call ‘OUR MENTAL HEALTH’ and the moment we don’t have it together, we are done for!

A young Lady had come into my office and after talking to her, she said: ‘I think am loosing it’. And I said, I understand! She said it is so Bad: that since she started having doubts about her husband fidelity her life had turned upside down. Even when she is in her house alone, she is having panic attack; ‘I don’t even know what to expect next’ – I don’t even know what will happen to me next.’

And I said to her: “When we get to the Place of Calmness and Peace within; the world will succumb unto us”. Can you let me help you get to that place?

… It’s amazing how Powerful our EMOTIONS are, really!

The moment we can be in charge of our Emotions; the moment we can be in charge of that Space, you will be amazed how you can control so many times around you.

… Now you remember our Biblical character- the story of Abigail? that was one woman who was composed Emotionally.

When the servant came to tell her, ‘see, your foolish husband as done it again, David and his men are coming to destroy us.’

Many other women would have panicked. Many other women would have been afraid – ‘Ah! Am done for: this man has killed us!’.

… That is what most of the women would have done!

In fact, some would have gone into the corner of their room, crying, and weeping and waiting for the death! Or some would have gone back to the man to shout – ‘Foolish man, see what you have caused us’.

But the woman (Abigail) was Emotionally Balanced enough to know that ‘I need to think fast – think of the way out of this mess for us!’

… And that was the Big Deal!

So, what I am saying is simply this…

Pain is pain; irrespective of whether it’s Physical, Spiritual or Emotional.

Pain is Pain! Let me hear you say that – PAIN IS PAIN. (Say it to your neighbour); No Pain is too small. Say it again: No pain is too small… But to deal with your pain and ride above trauma, you need to be Emotionally strong!

Emotional wellness and solid mental health is a standard against pain anytime!

… What a Great Session with our Counsellor – Dr Timi – A Great Counsellor of People that has experienced Trauma, Abuse, Marriage Counsellor etc.

You will get to be reading a Dedicated Column of Dr Timi’s Messages on our DMC Websites on: www.discoveeymediacrew.com.

Also you can get to invite her to your Churches, Seminars and Conference – All you need do is to reach out to us @ DMC!

… Discovery Media Crew, Reaching out to the world through the Power of the Gospel!!!

COMPILATIONS BY

MOSES DURODOLA AND TITILAYOMI AJAYI

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